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205449 
'13 



CLARISSIMO VlRO 

H. L. A. 

PRyESIDI OPTIMO: 

FRATRES 

SODALITATIS AUGUSTISSIMjE 

HUNC LIBRUM 

-FELICIUM DIERUM MEMORIA GRATUM— 

D. D. D. 



MDCCCLXXV. 



205449 

'13 



- PREFACE ! 



What need of 1 1V.JJ1 ilU JJ I Surely, all is told 
In our brief " Dedication ; " — there behold 
The meaning .of this little work of ours, — 
" Collected Memories of a hundred Tours," — 
Gathered with care ; and now — at last — complete, 
Gladly presented at our Chairman's feet. 

Remembrances of our past happy days 

Court not the public's or the critic's praise. 

No stranger could our mysteries e'er learn ; 

For none — except ourselves — do they concern. 

Our private joys we seek not to reveal, — 

Even our names we're careful to conceal, — 

And why? Our very selves are here reviewed, 

Old sayings treasured, and old jokes renewed. 

Such souvenirs of our united band, 

A Wanderer's mind alone can understand ; 

And so 'tis not for others we prepare 

Pleasures which others cannot with us share. 

" Our book, and ours alone," — a selfish sound ; 

Yet, doubt we not, the volume will be found 

Dear to each Wanderer, — somewhat serious thought ! 

Priceless to others, — for it can't be bought. 

Enough ! Our garland have we twined at last, 
The happy offspring of a happier past ; 
And oh ! should future Wanderers, gifts supply 
Of fairer flowers, and this our wreath should die, 
From its dead leaves may new-born buds arise, 
And waft fond Memory's incense to the skies. 



PAGE 



CONTENTS. 



ADDRESSES, CORRESPONDENCE, PETITIONS, 
REPORTS, &c, &c. 

The Opening of the Session i 

Address of the Right Hon. J. C. P 5 

Report of the Chief Secretary for Ireland .... 8 

Petition 9 

Action on the above 13 

The Ratcatcher's Lament 20 

Judgment thereon 22 

Letter from T. S. 23 

Communication from Mrs. Brown . . . . .24 

On the Mercy of the Court 30 

Detective's Report, No. 1 39 

Detective's Report, No. 2 43 

The Prorogation Speech 47 

For other Addresses, Reports, &r°c, see Album. 

CABINET CAROLS. 

{Dedicated respectfully and respectively to the following Members 

of Her Majesty f s Most Honourable a?id Wanderi?ig 

Privy Council.) 

The First Lord of the Treasury 53 

The Lord Chancellor 55 

The Lord President of the Council 57 

The First Lord of the Admiralty 61 



Vlll 

The Secretary of State for Home Affairs 

The Secretary of State for War . 

The Secretary of State for the Colonies 

The Secretary to the Treasury 

The Secretary to the Admiralty . 

The Chief Secretary for Ireland . 

The President of the Board of Trade 

The Secretary of the Board of Trade 

The First Commissioner of Works 

The Lord Chamberlain 

The Vice-President of the Council 

The Lord Steward of the Household 

The Chancellor of the Exchequer 

The President of the Local Government Board 

The Ambassador at Rome .... 

The Right Hon. the Secretary of State for India 



65 

67 
7i 
76 

79 
83 
86 
86 
89 
92 

94 
98 

99 
103 
108 
112 



FANCIES OF THE FACULTY. 

The Pill and Draught Album 

Anodyne 114 

The Bashful Leech Album 

Rhubarb and Blue 116 

Cod Liver Oil Album 

The Domestic Gargle 117 

Colchicum 119 

THE "MYSTIC ROLL" AND ITS CONSEQUENCES. 

Introductory Letter 121 

The " Roll" itself 122 



IX 

PAGE 

An Inquiry 123 

The " Mystery " continued . . 126 

Acrostic 129 

On Reading " The ' Mystery ' continued " . . . .129 

Letter to the Chief . 132 

" Pats " of Butter, &c . . .133 

On Rolls and Rollers 138 

A Moral 141 

Parting Suggestion 142 



MISCELLANEOUS. 

Foundation of the Wanderers, 1 87 1 143 

Anniversary, 1872 144 

Anniversary, 1873 H^ 

Anniversary, 1874 148 

Opinions of the Press, &c 149 

Spasm in Life of Major B. .150 

Passing Observation 153 

Rhapsody on an Erring Brother 154 

Wanderings 155 

In Memoriam— G. B .157 

In Memoriam — Acrostic 158 

Acrostic— J. P. S. 158 

Good-bye — Farewell — Adieu — J. P. S. . . . .159 

Charles Dibdin's Birthday 160 

Destruction to the Wanderers . . . . . .164 

Bailey's Remonstrance 165 

Ode on the Anniversary of the Death of Oliver Goldsmith . 167 
Sonnet ditto ditto . . .169 



X 

PAGE 

Ode in five " Cantos " 170 

Ode to "Sir President," in various Languages . . .174 

Memories . . 175 

Acrostic (Valedictory) to " Colonial Secretary . . .176 

Ditto, " Latine redditum" 177 

Song of a New-made Wanderer 178 

Thanks for Admission 180 

Zoological Gardens 181 

Note to the Secretary i ; 84 

Wanderers' " Meets " {regular) 184 

Wanderers' " Meet " {irregular) 1 

Promises Album 

Addenda to " Promises " 192 

International Boat Race . . . . . . . 193 

Aphides 194 

Analogies .196 

Addenda to the Horrible Tastes of the V. P. of C. . .198 

A Recent Event 199 

Addition to Tony Lumpkin's Song 202 

Book always for the Surrey Side 202 

Note of Inquiry (to Judge-Advocate-General) . . . 203 

Reply of the Right Hon. Gentleman 205 

Emma Mine 206 

Lament 208 

Party who forgot the Words 210 

Esau, Katie, and Myself 211 

Wanderer's Log 212 

" Closing" of the Book 214 



REMINISCENCES 



OF 




gtt^iti^r 



x (Dining of % Session. 



My Lords and Gentlemen, 

The commencement of a Session, which I believe will 
be of one of more than ordinary importance, renders it 
necessary that the august Society of the Wanderers should 
continue to pay that disciplined attention to the course of 
public affairs which has ever been its honourable charac- 
teristic. 

I rejoice to inform you that I continue to receive assur- 
ance of amity and friendship from all foreign powers. 

My ally, the Republic of France, has recently exhibited 
symptoms of premature dissolution, which could only have 
been succeeded by anarchy, but I have observed with 
sincere satisfaction that the leaders of public opinion in that 



country have been so alarmed at the prospect before them, 
that they have sought reconciliation on honourable terms 
with the distinguished President now with them. 

I have observed with deep regret, that my ally, Amadeus, 
King of Spain, has felt it his duty to replace in the hands of 
those who conferred them upon him, the august functions 
of majesty. I congratulate this illustrious sovereign on 
having escaped with life and honour, from a country which 
knew not his worth, which attempted his life, and could not 
appreciate his honour. I shall feel it my duty to acknow- 
ledge each successive Government which the will of the 
Spanish people will probably establish in the course of the 
next few months. 

I have recently despatched envoys to, and opened nego- 
tiations with many courts for objects of the highest public 
importance. An envoy has been sent to Trieste to consider 
with the Austrian Government, the best means of estab- 
lishing regular communications with Dalmatia, the septinsular 
dominions of the King of Greece, Cyprus, and Constanti- 
nople, although it is unnecessary to say that the path of 
the Wanderer is not to Levant. 

An envoy has been despatched to Egypt for the purpose 
of negotiating the cession to the English crown of the Suez 
Canal, and for making arrangements for the transmission to 
these shores of Cleopatra's needle. I have received intelli- 
gence that my envoy has mounted a camel ; this may 
probably facilitate the negotiations regarding the needle. 

A very important mission was despatched to Italy, 
with a threefold object, ist. To negotiate under the direct 
guidance of the Right Hon. the President of the Local 



Government Board, the establishment of a Company for the 
drainage of the Pontine marshes. 2nd. To offer to His 
Holiness the Pope, who it is believed is about to become a 
wanderer, a welcome on behalf of the august Society. 3rd. 
To negotiate with my ally, the King of Italy, a treaty of 
commerce by which the manufactures of Rome, such as 
ancient pictures, relics, and remains of classic antiquity, the 
sausages of Bologna and the maccaroni of Naples, might 
be freely exchanged for the hardware and broad cloth of 
England. 

The President of the Local Government Board took the 
opportunity of making inquiry as to the consumption of 
alcoholic stimulants in Italy, and with this view carefully 
examined the crater of Vesuvius, happily without catching 
an eruption in his face ; but this inquiry is connected with 
some researches on the influence of " Geneva " on our 
foreign policy. 

The Secretary of State for War, who was associated with 
his mission, made some interesting inquiries as to the 
materiel of the Italian army, and especially its ordnance 
stores. He had the good fortune to fall in with a Canon at 
Naples of peculiar force and great originality. 

A mission is about to be despatched to the court of 
Ava and the Emperor of China, for the purpose of obtaining 
from my ally the Monarch of the Golden Feet, and my ally 
the Celestial Emperor, permission for the construction of a 
system of railways extending to Western China and the 
lands of Flowery Pekoe. I have placed at the head of 
this mission the Right Hon. the Secretary of State for the 
Colonies, on the double ground of his experience in railing, 



and his habitual and exclusive affection for the principal 
product of China. 

Gentlemen of the House of Commons, 

The usual charges for the weekly supplies will be 
regularly brought before you by the Secretary of the 
Treasury. 

A Bill will be brought before you, of which the Lord 
Chancellor and the Lord of the Admiralty have charge, 
limiting the number of hostels to which the august Society 
shall resort, and the general superintendence of the Victual- 
ling Department. 

The Lord President of the Council has under his con- 
sideration a measure for the regulation of public charities. 
To render his inquiry complete, he has constituted himself 
President of every Board, and likewise of every working 
Committee of every Charity in the United Kingdom. 

Bills and measures for the refreshment of the august 
Society will be presented to your attention at regular 
intervals during the Session. 

A commission for full inquiry into the operation of 
secret societies, from associations of Thugs to masonic lodges, 
will be immediately appointed under the presidency of the 
Secretary of State for India. 

The Lord Lieutenant of Ireland has so exclusively 
devoted himself to the duties of his high position, that he has 
been absolutely unable to attend in his place in this Society. 

I have to inform you that the Wanderers attended in 
great strength at the Highland Society's dinner on St. 
Andrew's Day. Their liberal contributions will go far to 



secure the great object that the inhabitants of N.B. shall be 
warmed by the exterior use of decent integuments, rather 
than as now by the internal application of intoxicating 
stimulants. 

My Lords and Gentlemen, 

In conclusion, I can only express a fervent hope 
that in future the business engagements of the Chancellor of 
the Exchequer, the charitable instincts of the Lord President, 
the aesthetic taste of the First Commissioner of Public Works, 
the profound avocations of the Lord Chancellor, the masonic 
proclivities of- the Secretary of State for India, and the pul- 
monary debilities of the President of the Board of Trade, 
will not in future interfere with their regular attendance at 
the deliberations of the august Society of the Wanderers. 



ittnrtss of % 3W !*"• I- &• 1- 



I am much obliged to you, Sir, for permitting me 
to propose the health of the two Wanderers who are now 
on the Continent collecting art-treasures for this sublime 
Society, and laying up what will be even more precious to 
us, a rich store of travellers' reminiscences with which to 
1 cheer our future meetings. Flattered as I am at having 



this important and responsible duty imposed upon me, I 
confess that there seems, Sir, to be a certain appropriateness 
in your choice, for I am, I believe, the oldest friend in the 

Society of both our brethren. Bro. G I have known 

intimately almost since he was in his teens. I remember 
his 21st birthday well. I spent a portion of that anniver- 
sary with him at what is now known to you as " The 

Q ." He showed me there, with no little pride, 

the large ruby carbuncle ring he still wears, as a present 
given him that day. We met the next night at E— — 's, 
and he showed it me again, when I offered to appraise its 
value, in a practical manner, familiar to us in those youth- 
ful days. Our Bro. S I have known, if not for 

so protracted a period, still I believe for a greater length 
of time than any other member of "The Wanderers." I 
claim, therefore, to know the mental idiosyncrasies of our 
absent brethren with some degree of familiarity, and to 
recognise a wise moral purpose in the design which has 
despatched them abroad together for the improvement 
of their characters, and the permanent well-being of this 
august Society. For, Sir, I find it impossible to doubt 
that you have, in your capacity as President, committed 
them to several weeks' close companionship in the 
belief that each will impart to the other those elements of 
character which, to the exacting eyes of fraternal affec- 
tion, they have severally appeared to lack, and that on 
their return we shall find that the trip has been one 
of mutual benefit and amelioration. Thus, we may hope 
that the self-denying meekness which has been our dear 
G 's bane, will be tempered by contact with the deter- 



mined dogmatism which characterises S ; that the harsh 

sternness and peremptory manner of the latter brother may 
be mollified and softened by a close contemplation and a 
daily experience of the tender pliability and feminine 

gentleness of his companion. The lion S will lie down 

with the lamb G , and who shall say that a millennium 

for Wanderers is not at hand ? We know and feel that 

underlying the chronic irascibility and haughtiness of S 

are many sterling qualities ; and that (his defects of pride 
and temper apart) he is a most agreeable companion. 

We are equally confident that if our Bro. G could 

be, by some miraculous interposition, endowed with 
the quality of self-assertion, if his too gentle spirit 
could be persuaded that there is a time for all things, and 
that it is not incumbent upon the Christian to turn the other 
cheek to the smiter without variation of attitude, and under 
every conceivable circumstance in life — we should be 
infinitely happier respecting him, and have fewer qualms 
respecting the effect upon his sensitive nature of the buffets 
of a cold and alien world. 

We feel, Sir, that you have, with your usual delicacy, 
designed the trip which has given rise to this toast, 
for the express purpose of showing to the Wanderers 
what a fusion of opposite elements can effect, and we 
have no sort of doubt but that in the altered demeanour 
of our brethren, we shall recognise this last exercise of 
your absolute authority to have been both wise and kind. 
S— will no longer be a human torpedo exploding with 
strong language, for he will have shaken off his morbid 

irritability and passionate self-will. G will have cast 

B 



8 



away his exaggerated diffidence and shrinking humility, 
and will be able to express his opinions — even his dis- 
approval — with firmness and decision, and both will be 
benefitted enormously. In this belief and hope, I thank 
you, Sir, for having despatched our dear brethren abroad, 
on this mission of self-improvement, and I ask you all 
to drink to their happy return, that we may congratulate 
them on the success of our President's pious and far-seeing 
experiment. 



§Urxcrrf of % Cjricf j&erniarg fax frtlanb. 



The Chief Secretary for Ireland has the honour to 
present his Report of the visit he felt it right to pay, during 
the vacation, to that country over whose destinies he has 
been called on, in a certain measure, to preside. 

His stay in Ireland was unfortunately, but necessarily, 
brief, — to him it was an unknown country; but his visit- 
could hardly be regarded as a change, inasmuch as he came 
direct from another place where he was similarly circum- 
stanced, from " Land-he didn' know." 

The Chief Secretary had to pass many straits before 
reaching (though he was very ill in crossing) the Emerald 
Isle. The Chief Secretary had been three days and three 
nights in Wales, like Jonah j though the proceeding in the 



Chief Secretary's case far from involving a profit, was 
attended by considerable loss. 

On approaching Kingstown, the coast was studied not 
only by the Chief Secretary, but by numerous little beautiful 
stone villas, which vill astonish any one who may have 
formed pre-conceived ideas of the barrenness and desola- 
tion of the neighbourhood. Indeed, the Chief Secretary 
may state, generally, that he found Ireland in a most 
flourishing condition, overflowing with interest, and its 
capital doubling. 

An aristocratic assembly had been invited to meet 
the Chief Secretary on his arrival. In fact, one distin- 
guished party was asked to meet another. A talkative, 
not to say garrulous, member of the Company, jocose 
and somewhat familiar withal (and who was introduced 
as "Major O'Deane"), inquired of the Chief Secretary (as 
soon as the cloth was removed, and the conversation became 
general) when he was " going to brayt" Perhaps, if the 
Chief Secretary had been better acquainted with the Geo- 
graphy of the country, he might have been spared the 
mo;;/^tary pang which such a question inflicted, mainly 
because an affront appeared to be thus conveyed to the 
august Society. However, the Chief Secretary simply, 
though perhaps somewhat testily, answered, that he had 
no intention of doing so at all ; whereupon, a pleasant member 
of the party remarking that the Chief Secretary appeared 
discomposed, asked if he would add to the harmony of the 
evening. This seemed to throw possible light on the former 
question, and the more so, because the facetious " O'Deane " 
added, "Are ye not going to bray, at all?" The Chief 



IO 






Secretary, thereupon thinking that this might be his 
(O'Deane's) way of asking for a song, replied— being a little 
hoarse — " Nay." On which O'Deane rejoined, in a seemingly 
contradictory way, that the Chief Secretary would be "an 
ass if he didn't." Some general laughter followed this obser- 
vation, amid which the subject dropped, and the Chief 
Secretary found it inconvenient, so soon after dinner, to 
stoop to take it up. 

Next morning, a medical friend offered to take the Chief 
Secretary to the far-famed " Maternite " Hospital, and he 
readily accepted the invitation, thinking there might be a 
chance of seeing Molly born, or another Colleen born 
there. Neither event, however, took place. 

In the afternoon the Chief Secretary proceeded to 
Baganelstown, corruption, probably, of "Bacchanals' town"; 
judging by the reception offered, and the general joviality 
of the inhabitants. The Chief Secretary was led to visit this 
neighbourhood mainly from a wish to investigate the origin 
of the " Low-backed Car" — and, perhaps, to see it ; but, 
although a second visit was made to Carlow for this purpose, 
the natives seemed to know very little about it. 

The Chief Secretary was compelled to return to England 
the next night, and has now only to apologize for the scanti- 
ness of the information obtained and rendered, and to 
express a hope that his next visit will be productive of greater 
instruction to himself, and, therefore, of larger benefit to the 
august Society. 

The Chief Secretary was accompanied on his homeward 
route — that is to say, from Carlow to Dublin — by a very 
pleasant companion (of the softer sex), who requested to be 



II 



aroused from a nap (in which she proposed to indulge) as 
soon as the train should reach the renowned valley " Where 
the bright waters meet;" but, by that time, the shades of 
evening had closed so darkly about and around, that the 
Chief Secretary permitted his fair companion to sleep on 
undisturbed, feeling that, so far as the prospect was concerned, 
it would be of no avail if he voke her. 



"7S& — r- 



^ttiiian. 



The Humble Petition of Nathaniel Simmons, Con- 
ductor, No. 812, — 
Sheweth, 

That your Petitioner is a conductor of a L 

and St. J — — 's W omnibus, a most respectable man, 

and the husband of one large wife, and the father of six 
small children. 

That on Saturday night, the 23rd of December, your 
Petitioner was hailed and told in a hoarse voice, evidently 
influenced by liquor, to stop by an individual holding on by 
a lamp-post. The omnibus pulled up, but I told the indi- 
vidual that he was not in a fit state to enter into a public 
conveyance in which several gentlemen and very delicate 
females were sitting. The individual, which his name I 

afterwards discovered to be B , told me " to be blowed." 

I said that was not the language to be used to a public 
officer in the discharge of his duties. He then ups with his 



12 



double fist and gives me a straight one on the nose, which 
makes my shirt all bloody, and a mercy it was Saturday 
night, but my missus says my shirt and neck handkerchief is 
ruined for ever, and they both cost Ss. 6d. in the New Cut 

only last Shrove Tuesday. Not content with this, Mr. B 

seizes me by the scruff and throws me off my perch and gets 
into the omnibus, and all the passengers crying " shame," 
and the ladies screaming for police, which, of course, was 

absent. When I gets to St. J 's W , I speak to a 

policeman, No. 18, P Division, and he and I and Mr. 

B go off to the station. I make my complaint, and 

points out the marks of Mr. B -'s sanguinary outrageous- 

ness. The inspector asks Mr. B how this happened, 

when, lord sir, you never heard such a gushing speech as he 
made. He certainly has a most uncommon flow of talk. 
He called the inspector a man of unceasing vigilance, spoke 
of his golden feet, said he was in search of the earth's best 
pearl, when the only purl in the matter was the push he gave 
me. Well, you never heard such a slack-jawed chap. Blest 
if he did not gammon the inspector, who said to me, " You 
would not have a gentleman locked up at this festive season, 
the gentleman will square the matter with you.' 1 So I see, 

like a good Samaritan, the gentleman home to A Road, 

taking care that he did not pour more wine into hisself, 
and he told me to come on Tuesday, which I did. The 
young woman at the door told me the Major was in his 
seragligaglio, and a shame it is that a Christian man should 
live in such a manner permiscuous like. After waiting some 

time, I was told to go to the E A H , and 

then the Major comes, begins his slack jaw again, and says 



13 

I should seek the earth's best pearl. I said I should be 
very glad to have any purl he would stand, and none was 

better than that of the E A H . The young lady 

at the bar, a very personable person, at whom the Major was 
always throwing sheep's eyes, gave us a pint, the greater 
part of which the Major absorbed — he has evidently con- 
siderable powers of suction — and then poured out a lot 
more about the golden-footed inspector and the white 
elephant, and the diamond umbrella, and Brigadier Young 
of America. But I said what was he going to give for the 
punching of my head. He offered me two bob, but I said it 
was not the value of my shirt. He said something about 
"The great Architect," — but I said, " No gammon; give the 
proper figure." He answered, "The state of man was one 
of unceasing vigilance," and with that he gets out by a 
side door, and I never see him any more. I complained 

to the highly respectable host of the E A H , 

and he told me he could not interfere. But understanding 
that the Major was a member of your Honourable Society — 
indeed, when he got into the 'bus he said he had been 
dining at your Honourable Board — I make my complaint to 
you, and ask you to compel this polygamous, windy, high- 
faluting Major to do me justice. 

And your Petitioner, as in duty bound, will ever 
pray, &c. 



Considerable consternation having been occasioned with 
the august Society at the reading of this Petition, a Right 



Hon. Member was authorized to see Mr. Simmons. An 
interview having been arranged, the following communica- 
tion was made to the Right Hon. Arbitrator, and read to 
the Members : — 



I am much obliged to you, Sir, 

For the call you've made on me, 
To explain away the conduck 

Of your friend, this Major B. 
I don't wish 'im no bit of 'arm, 

But this Fll say — that's plain — 
I 'ope 'e won't at any time 

Ride in my 'bus again. 
'Is treatment it was werry bad, 

And I 'ope I may not see 
A repertition of the night 

Of December twenty-three. 

II. 

I find my mates they knows 'im well ; 

For 'e goes up ev'ry night, 
And falls a snorin' in the 'bus, 

And does other things polite. 
And if 'e don't, why, then 'e tells 

Some long yarns to those within, 
Of the wonders of the places 

Into which 'e may 'ave bin ; 



i5 



But the " Heast" I think 'e's bin to, 
By that langwidge of 'is own, 

Is the " Heast" down in Whitechapel, 
Or the Mile Hend Gate Milestone. 

in. 

No doubt 'e is a gen'leman, 

'Cos 'e talks so weny fine ; 
But I'm told 'e's cut " old soj'ring" 

For the " gold umbrella" line. 
A bisness which I think that 'e 

Must know hev'rything about, 
Since 'e and 'is umbrella 

Are inclined to open out ; 
But it hain't within 'is province — 

What 'e's bin, or what 'e is — 
To go about a damagin' 

A poor bus-conductor's phiz. 

IV. 

I've always 'eld my 'ead erect, 

And a prouder one than mine 
Was never seen with any 'bus 

On the famous " Hatlas" line — 
Until the night when Major B. 

Did across my path arose, 
And, without a provocation, 

'It me straight upon the nose ; 



i6 

But the blood that's on 'is 'and 

Shall be also on 'is 'ead, 
And my nose shall blow for vengeance 

Or good damages instead. 

v. 

When I sent in my Pertition 

To your honoured President, 
I knew I was addressin' 

Of a most distinguished gent. 
Yes, a judge as 'as ruled wisely 

As the werry best 'as done ; 
And I felt I should get justice 

From Sir 'E H . 

And what's the consequence, I hask ? 

Why, it is — you've come to me 
To inquire what satisfaction 

I will take to set 'im free. 

VI. 

And then, of course, to make things " wuss " 

(No griefs never come alone), 
My "Benefit Society" 

Hall my "claim" 'as overthrown. 
They say " Assault and Battery" — 

I think that's the legal phrase — 
Is not covered by the premium 

Which to them I weekly pays ; 



*/ 

For the Secrertary tells me, 
That the matter with my nose 

Is not brought about by " sickness," 
But is by the force of blows. 

VII. 

The "Standing Counsel" of your Club, 

'E can say if this agrees 
With what he certifies in Rules 

Of the " Sick Societies." 
'E's a gent who's 'igh in hoffice, 

'Cos it's what the Major sed, 
As in my omnibus 'e sat, 

Tore 'e made 'isself a bed. 
But, though I can't remember hall 

'E expressed, or raved about, 
'E made my "Hinsides" understand 

All you gents was " out and out." 

viii. 

But, to hadd up all my sorrows, 

There's two buttons off my coat — 
There's my nasal horgan ruined — 

There's a black mark round my throat- 
There's the shock unto my system 

At the langwidge which 'e sed — 
There's the hinsult that 'e gave me — 

There's a pain about my 'ead — 







i8 

There's the shirt, a living hinstance 
Of the nature of 'is dime, 

Which the sight of nearly killed off 
My poor wife before 'er time. 

IX. 

'Ad I pressed the charge agin' 5 im, 

Why, what would 'ave bin 'is fate? 
'E'd 'ave in St. J 's W station 

Until Monday 'ad to wait ; 
Bin dragged along the thoroughfares 

Down to 'Igh Street, M — wb — e, 
Or else compelled to take a cab — 

Which to do 'e's never known. 
Introdooced to Mister M — sf — d, 

Or some other legal gent, 
'E'd 'ave 'ad to pay a " fiver/' 

Or a month's imprisonment 

x. 

So my terms at once I come to, 

Without prejudice, or fear 
That the Wand'rers, in their wisdom, 

Will not say it's werry dear. 
So, a " bob" we'll say for "buttons," 

'Arf a sov'reign for the " blow," — 
Includin' all the injuries 

To the 'ead, and throat, or so. 



19 

The shirt — well, 'arf a crown will do ; 

And too dear it won't be found 
If I throw in " Shock" and " Hinsult' 

Just to make it up a " pound." 

XI. 

A gen'leman's apology 

Is just all I wants besides, 
To keep 'im in my remembrance, 

If again with me 'e rides ; 
And if, on consideration, 

My demand you don't think large ; 
On my getting what I asks for, 

I shall give a full discharge, 
And, in conclusion, I will say, 

If I'm not compelled to soo, 
You'll never 'ear the case again 

Of "Nat Simmons, 8-1-2." 



It was resolved indignantly and unanimously that the 
erring Member be condemned in all the costs. 




20 



Cjtt Itattattjrcr's l^ammt 



Back Lane, 

Friday Night. 

Rt. Hon. Sir, 

I opes as ow you'll excuse the liberty I takes in riting 
these ere few lines to you, but a pal o' mine tells me that 
if you knows how I've been done by a certain Gent, who 
says he is a Wanderer, you'll endeavour to see me righted. 

Well, sir, I am an old man, or at least getting on, and I 
may say I've seen better days. Anyhow, I opes I gets my 
living honestly, altho" 1 ketches rats, and does nothink 
micerly. 

On last Thursday morning me and my dog was in the 

H Road, St. J W , looking arter business, 

when I was accosted by a sailor looking Gent (but I under- 
stand he is something in the Harmy Line), who perfessed 
to feel imself ighly hinterested in me and my perfession. 
The weather not being over cheerful at the time, the Gent 
kindly invited me into a pub hard by, which it is called the 

M , after a famous Ha4miral, and treated me to 2 

pennorth of rum ot. While I was a refreshing of myself at 
the Gent's expense he says to me that when he was wan- 
dering in furrin parts, I think it was Bravada, the rats were 
so numerous and so ordacious, that one day, while he was 
occupied in riting a letter to an extinguished Countess, a 
large Rat pounced upon the top of his ed and actually 






21 



nibbled the air off (which accounts for his present shortness 
of that material), and he was quite convinced that a man of 
my talents should not ide is ed under a bushel if he wanted 
to lift it up at all. He promised to reward me most and- 
somely for any information I might supply him, and also 
introduce me to a brother Wanderer who ad great influence 
in the City, he said, who would bring out a limited Com- 
pany, or Company limited, to work up my invention. The 
Gent spoke so fair, and as I thought, so proper, that at 
last a chance had come of making my fortune, I actually 
gave him the particulars of the different Hoils that would 
be required to, be used in the business, which, but for the 
two pennorth, and his werry fine slack jaw, I shouldn't have 
let go— not much. 

Before I ad time to ask the Gent where he lived and 
what was is name, he disappered in the most remarkable 
manner with my prescription. Whether he was taken 
suddenly queer, or ad rushed out to buy the hoils, lay hold 
of another ratcatcher, or to see you, Sir, on the subject, I 
do not know : leastways, I ope he as not been trying the 
hoils in any improper way and to my determent. After 
waiting in the pub for 2 or 3 hours, more or less, dooring 
which I suffered from 2 or 3 twos of the same condiment, 
rum 'ot, and not seeing anything further of the Gent, I 
inquired of the Bung if there was any chance of his turning 
up again, and he said that no doubt I should find him at 
sausages and mashed taters next day. I and my Dog ave 
been waiting and watching in the ope of ketching him, but 
sausages and mashed ain't attracted him, and as I understand 
he never shows up there on a Saturday, cos he dines with 



22 



his brother Wanderers, I thought after dinner he might be in 
a good disposition and be disposed to make me some 
compensation for the benefit I have conferred on him, 
which is something numerous, as the happlication of the 
hoils to the human system 'as the effect of making the rats 
feel as though a kid might play with them. I do not think 
a fiver from a Gent in his position is too much to ask; 
leastways, I should expect nothing less. 

Hoping to hear favourably on the subject, 

I remain, 

Rt. Hon. Sir, 
Your obedient 'umble Servant, 

TIMOTHY TODD, 

Ratcatcher to H.M. and the Nobility of the 
neighbourhood. 



The above Ratcatcher's Lament having been read, it was 
ordered by the august Society that the conduct of the Rt 
Hon. Member to whom it refers be not ratified, and that 
the said prescription be returned by him at once. 




23 



Uiitx from (£. j$. 



216, King's Road, 
Chelsea. 
Dear Sir, 

I feel bound to thank you and the other gentlemen 
who were in the same railway carriage with my wife and me, 
on the evening of Saturday, the 29th ultimo, in the train 
from Richmond, for your kind exertions in protecting us 
from the rudeness of the exceedingly intoxicated person in 
the plaid, who appeared to form one of your party. Had it 
not been for your kind and sedulous interference, I should 
have been compelled to appeal for protection to the railway 
officials. It was, Sir, from his incoherent utterances, that I 
ascertained your name, and that you and the other gentle- 
men belonged to a convivial society, — permit me to say, if I 
may judge from the demeanour of the person in the plaid, a 
too convivial society. It is only your kindness, and that of 
the other gentlemen, which has prevented me from making 
a complaint against the objectionable personage; but I re- 
quest you will inform him, whenever you meet him, that I shall 
certainly do so if he again errs in so outrageous a manner in 
my presence in a public carriage. You, Sir, are not perhaps 
aware that the person in the plaid was the same night, at a 
later hour, as I know by ocular demonstration, taken out of 
a cab in the King's Road, Chelsea, in a helpless state, after 
a long discussion with the driver, and after having disturbed 
the whole neighbourhood. I can only say, as an old Master 

C 






24 

of Arts, of Trin. Coll., Camb., that I trust in future "the 
objectionable person will, both in his quotations, which are 
many, and his potations, which are more/ mind his quantitus. 

Your obedient Servant, 

T. S. O . 

■ o ■ 



€ommnnuntwn ixam Mrs, proton 



ALL ABOUT THE WANDERERS. 



Deer Sir, 

Mrs. Brown persents 'er complements. Mrs. Malins 
she come into me all of a twitter, as white as a sheet, and if 
I 'adn't give 'er a glass of my mixture, as is cardy mums and 
carraway, mixed arf with the finest cognac brandy, as is 
softened with sugar candy, why I don't think as she'd 'ave 
come round as soon as she did ; and then she says, arter a 
bit, " Martha, you're my junerer, fifteen if not sixteen years, as 
am jest the other side of the sentry." So she says, "You don't 
remember Cater Street, like me, as my own uncle were a 
Bow Street runner in, but not that one as were shot." I says 
" I were but a child, yet seems to 'ave 'eard it spoke about 
often." "Well," she says, "I do believe as there's another a- 
'atchin'." " Law,"I says,— "where?" "Well,"she says, "that's 'ard 
to say, as ain't never in one spot, but meets reg'lar Saturdays, 
and makes believe as they're that cheerful with gunpowder 
treasin a-lurkin'in their arts." I says, " Woteverdo you mean?" 
She says, " A gang as goes about a-sayin' as they're Queen 



25 

Wictorier's Prime Ministers, as I p'inted one on 'em out the 
other day to a party as knowed 'im well, as is remarkable 
lusty, as says he's the Lord Chamberlin, and no more like 
'im than chalk is to cheese, as the sayin' is, cos I knows 
a young man as were the one as I p'inted 'im out to as 
lived footman there." Now Mrs. Malins certingly is the 
most wonderfulest woman out and out as ever I did know, 
tho' my grandmother did know Joanna Southcoate, as were 
a-goin' to bring forth a sumthin' as never turned up, but 
aperiently thought it best to rest from 'er labours, poor soul, 
in the silent tomb. But Mrs. Malins she knows a deal, and, 
as I told 'er, if she were to let it out about them Prime 
Ministers, a might end 'er days like Lady Jane Grey in the 
Tower of London with 'er 'ead on a spike on Temple Bar, 
cos if arf as she told me was to come to Queen Wictorier's 
ears, there'd be a nice bobbery, with the reel Prime 
Minister sent back to Petticoat Lane as he come from with 
a flea in 'is ear. Cos, tho' Mrs. Malins means to keep 
it dark, but wasn't never more frightened in 'er life, and only 
knowed it quite axcidental like, thro' a-goin' back for 'er 
work as she'd left on the sideboard in that room as they 
met in, and 'adn't no consumption as they was a-goin' 
to dine that early, as was only arf-past two ; and so 
a-'earin' a party come into the room when the cloth 
were laid, slipped into the cupboard, leastways a closet, 
as was a big un, a-thinkin' as she lay and wait, as the 
sayin' is, till they was gone, poor soul! — and then, 
thro' 'er eyes bein' 'eavy, fell asleep and snored that 
frightful as the waiters 'ad to smuggle 'er out thro' 'er son- 
in-law a-keepin' of the 'ouse \ but 'eard enuf for to find out 



26 



as there was one of these ere secret Sersietis as goes about 
a-undermindin' everythink from place to place, and never 
settles nowhere, thro' bein' afeard as they'd be nabbed. Well, 
she come to ask me my adwice over it ; so I says, " Well, I am 
comin' over to tea afore werry long, as will make it some 
Saturday, as you 'ears they're a-comin' agin shortly, and shall 
be able to spot 'em." "Well," she says, "there's a room 
behind the one as they dines in, as you and me could slip 
into, and listen on the quiet \ not as its ways as I 'olds with 
in general ; yet, in course, if it's anythink agin one's Queen 
and country, why its a dooty." So accordin' she sent me 
word as they'd bespoke the room that werry next Saturday, 
and give orders for fillet of weal and 'am, under the name 
of the "Wanderers." "Ah !" I says, "no doubt, and they 
means to do wonders, the willins j but I'll put a spoke in 
their weals, as the sayin' is." So accordin' I went over, and 
got there quite early, as is a old-fashioned public in the 
Burrer, as married Mrs. Malins' dorter, as died with 'er 
ninth, and the old lady 'ave lived there ever since. She 
were glad to see me, and, arter dinner, we went up on the 
quiet, and got into this room as were a very thin wainscoting 
and soon them parties begun a-droppin' in, as talked werry 
friendly, and said they was glad to meet, and some wanted 
for to begin at once, and others said wait, " as my Lord 
Chancellor ain't come, and we must wait for Sekertary for 
Ireland ;" and then one said as he were a-goin' to be down 
upon somebody over a dog. So I whispers to Mrs. Malins as 
we shouldn't be kep' waitin' long, for they're a-gettin' 
rav'nous \ for I'd see through a chink one as was called 
Lord Chamberlin a-eatin' of someone's else's bread on the 



27 

quiet j but the more they waited the more they come in, 
and then there was dinner as smelt that nice ; but we didn't 
move a mussel, but set a-sippin' a little and good ; and, law 
bless you, when the wittles was over then the drink began, 
and with it the talk, and then me and Mrs. Malins found 
out through a crack as they really was 'Er Majesty's Minis- 
ters a-'oldin' of a Privy Council on the quiet, as we thought 
at first was Freemasons by their ways, but set there 
a-tremblin' in my shoes, a-knowin' if found out our days was 
numbered, and might be skewered together and thrown 
down a drain in the dead of the night. So a'-oldin' of our 
breath, we 'eard a party a-drinkin' to General Joy, as is no 
doubt the 'ead of the army, and then we 'eard a little arter 
as they was to 'old up their 'ands for Scotch somethin', and 
then for 'Ome Rulers. " Oh," I says, "the willins is a-plottin' 
again' Queen Wictorier, and that's why they comes over 
into the Burrer on the quiet." Cos there, sure enuf, was the 
Prime Minister in the chair, and the Lord Chamberlin, and 
the President of the Council, and the Board of Works, bless 
you, with the Lord Leeftenant of Ireland, and a many more, 
as jolly as sand-boys. Well, jest as me and Mrs. Malins 
was all ears for to listen, if they didn't take and light up 
their pipes, and set to a-singin' about all manner, as was the 
Pope and Monks of Old, and somethink about Jack of 
Greenwich, as was in the sea-farin' persuasion, and a Pleece- 
man Hay ; and then parties took and spouted in the Hirish 
langwidge, and one waggerbone says, as she could have 
swore were me, was a-tellin' 'em all about 'ow that coster 
blackgard took and robbed me over them sprats as knowed 
my, name, as shows as Government's got spies all over the 



28 



place, even down to sprats. Mrs. Malins says to me, as 
a new-born babe might 'ave 'eard the conversation, as 
wasn't no ways wulgar, and as the party in the chair 
he kep wonderful order, and said to one party as wouldn't 
set still, and would go out to fetch things, as he wouldn't 
allow nothink blue in the room. Poor Mrs. Malins she were 
a-starvin' for 'er tea, but we didn't dare 'ardly draw our 
breaths, cos we both felt sure as our ends would be come to 
sudden if discovered. For she kep* on a-tremblin' at the 
Cater Street Conspiracy, as I can jest recollect, as shot the 
Bow Street officer, in goin' up a ladder into a loft to take 'em 
into custody ; so she says to me, when we got out, while they 
was a-singin' all together, " Wot do you think we did ought to 
to do? — cos in course," she says, "I can't tell my son-in-law 
'ow they've been a-goin' on, as would squash it all for fear of 
losin' of 'is license thro' allowin' of sich parties to meet in 'is 
'ouse, but yet shouldn't like to see Queen Wictorier a-bein' 
dragged by the 'air of 'er 'ead all through the Burrer, nor 
yet the Tower 'Amlets, as is a radical lot." Cos, as 
Mrs. Malins were a-sayin', it must be true as they're Govern- 
ment, thro' the waiters a-comin' out, as 'ad took it all in when 
'andin' of the wegetables, and could see as they was all 
Lords -in-waitin', and made that free with one another. It 
certingly give me a turn; so I says "The best thing as I can 
do is to listen with you the next time as they comes, afore 
we kicks up a row," as she said as she'd be sure to let me 
know as would be a Saturday, and did accordin', and 'eard 
'em all over agin, as is a room with the one end took off 
with a petition, cos they did used to 'ave balls there ; so 
we could set and listen thro' a crack, as we did accordin' that 



2 9 

werry Saturday a-follerin\ But couldn't 'ear no treason, nor 
nothink like that ; tho', in, course, they didn't ought to meet 
like that unbeknown to Queen Wictorier. Yet boys will be 
boys, as the sayin' is, and, in course, they likes their arf 
'olliday; so me and Mrs. Malins 'ave agreed not to say 
nothink to the perlice for the present, but will watch 'ow they 
gets on, as is certingly a light-arted lot, and sings that beau- 
tiful as is no doubt 'ow they amuses Queen Wictorier, poor 
soul ! as might be little a-thinkin' wot's a-runnin' in their 
'eads, with the crown in danger ; but wot I wants is to give 
'em a 'int, as there's a eye upon them as will be down on 
'era like a load of bricks, as they are, if ever they comes 
any of their little games as is 'urtful to the British Constitu- 
tion ; tho', in, course, bein' on board wages like all the rest 
of the Royal Family, why they may spend their money 
where they pleases, tho' they must be in early, or else the 
sack without no warnin' is their portion ! So shall watch 
'em about and drop in on 'em when least expected, as can't 
gammon me; tho' I must say they are a conoodlin' lot 
from the chairman downwards, as I 'eard them say they 
was Queen Wictorier's own private band, as settles every- 
think for 'er on the quiet, as is why they're called the Privy 
Council, as it wouldn't do for to let all the world into, or 
'owever would things go on quiet and comfortable. But 
shall let you know more afore long, as am yours till death. 

So no more at present from 

Martha Brown. 

Her mark X> th ro ' 'avin' mislaid my specs. 
To the Perleece Inspector. 



3° 



<$tt % llfcrtg of % (tart 

BY THE V. P. OF THE COUNCIL. 



Jefferson T. Potts was a self-made man. Starting in life 
with a good constitution, unlimited self-reliance, a moderate 
acquaintance with reading, writing, and arithmetic, his 
mother's blessing, and five dollars in cash, he had from a 
newspaper stall in Boston raised himself to the only 
peerage recognized in the great Republic, — he was a mil- 
lionaire. He had been fortunate enough to marry into a 
" black republican " family, and, in consequence of this 
alliance, obtained during the civil war many fat contracts. 
Successful in shoddy, he was not less fortunate in " striking 
ile *' during the petroleum fever in Pennsylvania, where the 
thriving city of Pottsville perpetuates the memory of his eu- 
phonious appellation. Removing his household gods to 
the empire city, his first care was to cover his wife with 
diamonds ; his second, to purchase a brown stone mansion 
in Fifth Avenue, and furnish it regardless of expense. A 
hard man, and a shrewd in commercial dealings, keen 
as a razor in getting the last eighth per cent, out of a 
big thing, he was prodigal to excess in personal expen- 
diture. When in doubt between two articles for his wife, 
his house, or himself, he invariably cut the Gordian knot by 
choosing the most costly. Proud of the successful career 
that had placed him, while yet a young man, in a position 
to gratify his ostentatious tastes, he was prouder still of 



3i 

his wife, and never tired of extolling her beauty, sense, 
courage, and other good qualities. He was also delighted 
with his new and splendid " surroundings," and was im- 
mensely fond of talking of his house, of his sorrel team, his 
sleigh, his stables, his pictures, and his wine. 

"Come and taste it, neighbour," said he one day with 
hospitable effusion. " I bought a prime lot two weeks ago, 
— same as the Commodore's, — shadow somethin' or other. 
Dam me if I can recollect French names, but them shadows 
is mostly first chop. If you have nothin' above particular 
to do to-morrow, come to dinner, and I will introduce you 
to my wife. I guess the Madam will astonish you some. 
She is a whole team and a hoss to spare, and a cross dog 
under the wagon. That's A fact." 

"Jeff," as he was always called, was not precisely a 
handsome man. His sallow complexion and worn features 
prevented him from falling under the category of " beauty 
men ; " but a pair of magnificent, dark brown, velvety eyes, 
overflowing with good humour, redeemed his otherwise 
"ornary" appearance. Feeling resistance to be in vain 
while Jeffs hand rested kindly on my shoulder, I confessed 
myself overjoyed at the opportunity of laying my homage at 
the feet of Mrs. Potts ; but, in my inmost soul, felt some 
dire misgivings as to the entertainment at the house of the 
amiable nouveau riche. 

Of Jeff himself I had no fear. He was a thoroughly 
good fellow ; and if his verbs had a knack of repudiating any 
agreement in number and person with their nominative cases, 
his many good points made amends for this deficiency. I 
did not fear him, but most candidly own that I dreaded 



32 

" the Madam." Was I to be talked out of my senses by a 
strong-minded, hard-featured, shrill-voiced matron, all 
shoulder-blades and interrogation ? Was I to be compelled 
to expose my ignorance of things in Heaven above, in the 
earth beneath, and in the water under the earth ? Was I to 
undergo a severe cross-examination in history, theology, 
geology, and every other 'ology ? Was I to be forced, then 
and there, to " stand and deliver" coherent views upon 
music, painting, sculpture, stock- jobbing, Mormonism, the 
comparative merits of America and the Old Country, the 
last new shape of bonnet, the last new novel, the Rev. 
and facetious Henry Ward Beecher's last sermon, the 
prospects of the Erie railroad, the Alabama claims, the San 
Juan boundary, and opera bouffe ? This thing had befallen 
me on divers occasions, and I shuddered at the prospect of 
once more undergoing the dire ordeal. But I had gone 
too far to retract, the Rubicon was passed, and there was 
nothing to be done but to go ahead and trust in Providence. 

" Guess we shall have to wait a few minutes in the parlor 
while the Madam is fixin' herself," said Jeff, wringing my 
hand, vehemently. " She has been to a sale of imported 
fixins, at the house of poor Tom Vanderpool, — him as went 
up on Rock Island during the last corner. At the first day's 
sale she bought a remarkable bronze, — an Eyetalian bronze, 
I judge. Look at here. I guess that stattoo ain't no small 
potatoes ! " 

Stepping across the room, I beheld a magnificent Roman 
bronze. 

"Say English/' quoth Potts of Pottsville, — "did you 
ever see A finer bronze to your British Museum ? The 



33 

sculps there are, I take it, pretty big things, 'specially the 
marbles you thove from them cusses, the Greeks. But, I 
guess, my bronze is bad to beat. You bet it is ? The worst 
is, I ain't posted on what it means. I guess the name is 
Heeb, a kinder bar-tender to the gods to Olympus, or 
wherever they kept. I ain't heavy on classics myself, but 
the Madam is not to be set back, and looked it up in a 
heathen dictionary. But here is the Madam herself." 

I became conscious of a sea of maroon velvet, bounded 
by foaming breakers of rich point lace. Surmounting a 
graceful figure was a small classical head, and a set of 
delicate features. Blue, dreamy-looking eyes, and a low, 
white forehead, crowned with a glory of raven hair, com- 
pleted what would have been a perfect picture of soft, 
womanly beauty, had not the thin lips and sharply-cut chin 
betrayed a latent " temper." My fears were soon dispelled. 
Mrs. Potts talked amiably and readily on the social events 
of the day, and, instead of asking my opinion of Hegel, 
discoursed pleasantly upon Offenbach. 

The dinner was excellent, and the promised " Chateaux n 
undeniable. We had all the dishes in season and out of 
season, and all the best brands of wine — if not always in 
due concatenation. One highly agreeable feature marked 
the etiquette of the banquet. " The Madam," instead of 
rushing away and burying herself in the dreary desert of the 
drawing room, remained with us, and took a quiet but keen 
interest in the subjects discussed, murmuring in soft, musical 
tones, her assent to the opinions advanced by her liege lord; 
while that representative man never tired of appealing to her, 
and singing her praises. I was petrified at this picture of 



34 



matrimonial bliss, and suppose that my tell-tale countenance 
revealed my amazement. 

"You see, neighbour," began Jeff, "that as our friend 
Quackenboss remarks, — gettin' married is very like puttin' 
your hand into a bag holdin' ninety-nine snakes and one 
eel. You may get the eel, though it is long odds on the 
snakes. Now, I have got A eel, and, to prove it, I will 
just tell you the story of my trouble with Mrs. Nathan 
Rattlepole." 

"The Madam," after some gentle protestations, gave 
Jeff her permission to proceed, whereat he lighted a huge 
cigar, and commenced. 

" Years ago, when I was keepin' my newspaper stand in 
Boston, one of my best customers was an uncommon sprightly 
young Miss. She was as spry as a painter, and smart as a steel 
trap, and owned a pair of bright eyes that went through you 
like a shot from a Derringer. Little by little we got sorter 
acquainted, and I, like a greenhorn as I was, never felt 
right till Missy had been to buy her papas papers. This 
feelin' kinder grew on me, till I took to spendin' my dollars 
on new clothes, and even went as far as to have my hair 
curled every day. Signs like them ain't to be mistook, 
and says I to myself one day, " Jeff, you are smote pretty 
heavy this time, and must speak your mind like a man." 
This was all very well when I rehearsed in private. I always 
had a fine flow of speech when there was nobody round, — 
but I ain't heavy on the stump ! No, sirr ! Well, I got off 
a few remarks by heart ; but the moment I saw Nettie, the 
whole crowd vamoosed together, and left me to make the 
most lop-sided attempt at a declaration that ever was got off 



35 

in the State of Massachusetts. But the lady did not mind 
my awkwardness. She laughed and sniggered at first, but 
came around wonderful before I got through with my speech. 
So far the speculation was a success, but my bride-elect had 
a heavy drawback in the shape of a father. Old man 
Skeffington was in dry goods, but how he got the dollars to 
run the machine at first nobody knew. Some said he had 
been overseer on a plantation, others that he had run a 
travellin' circus, and some swore that he once kept a faro 
bank down South, and had to clear out in consequence of a 
misunderstandin' that eventuated in the shootin' of two 
prominent citizens. Be that as it may, he had made his 
pile; and I guess, neighbour, when a man has once got 
the stamps, it is no more use askin' how he got them than 
there is in inquirin' the cause of a splendid thirst. Dollars 
is facts ; and though a man may run a skin-game in gettin' 
'em, the chances are, that when he has raked in a good pile, 
he will play on the square. Anyhow, the old cuss was tre- 
mendously respectable just then, was director of a bank, 
and a hard-shell Baptist into the bargain. But he was as 
hard as a flint, and knowin' it would be no use askin' his 
views, Nettie and I made up our minds for a runaway hitch. 
" How old Skeff got wind of our plans I never could find 
out ; but one fine day he captured all Missy's bonnets, and 
locked her in her own room. You may guess, Britisher, this 
old-fashioned style of work was not made to beat Young 
America. We set to work to fix things in earnest. First of 
all, I won over Nettie's particular bosom friend, and by her 
help managed to smuggle in, bit by bit, the materials for a 
new bonnet ; and Nettie, though as innocent of millinery as 



36 

Henry Ward Beecher of playin' poker, soon contrived a 
fashionable topknot I guess it was downright natural 
instinct. To make a long story short, we met one dark 
night on the street, and were just gettin' into the cars for 
New York, when who should bear down on us but old Skeff 
himself. A scene ensued, and the end of it was, that the 
old rattlesnake marched his daughter off in triumph. A 
week later she became Mrs. Nathan J. Rattlepole, bavin' 
married an old chum of her father's, one of the same streak 
as himself, and as ugly a lookin' cuss as you could see at A 
primary meetin' in the Sixth Ward. 

" Of course, I thought the sun would never rise agin, and 
the moon and stars go out of business at oncest. Finding 
after a bit, that the world still went on as before, I took 
heart, kept a stiff upper-lip, cleared out of Boston, and came 
right on to New York. I was beginnin' to get a little ahead 
when I met the lady sittin' there. As one nail drives out 
another, so did she drive Boston, and everything in it, clean 
out of my head. Since my marriage I have had rare good 
times, and kept goin' ahead like sixty. 

" We had been married about a year, when runnin' down 
one day to Saratoga Springs, whom should I cross but 
Mrs. Rattlepole. She had become a widow, and, like them 
curious bein's, carried on anyhow. She fastened upon me 
at once, like a starvin' leech on a fat Dutchman. There 
was no more chance of shakin' off that woman than a 
collector of revenue. You can't figure-up how mad I was. 
Here was a young and pretty woman dead-gone on flirtin' 
with a married man ! She was always talkin' about old times, 
and makin' my wife as nearly out of temper as that elegant 



37 

lady can be. I tried to carry the war into the enemy's country, 
by talkin', in season and out of season, about her defunct boss 
Rattlepole. This was an awful bad spec. She launched 
out on the subject of the wrongs and sufferins she had gone 
through : how Rattlepole had spent her money, ill-treated 
her, and left her mixed up in law-suits, with hardly a V to call 
her own. My wife tried to freeze her out, but it was like tryin 
to freeze over Lake Superior with A ice-making machine. 
I tried all I knew how to get rid of her, and worked like a 
nigger to find out good-lookin' fellers, in the hope that some 
of 'em would run away with her, — but they would not hitch 
anyhow. Things got worse and worse. Mrs. R. persisted 
in writin' me everlastin' letters on scented paper, never gave 
me a moment's peace, and at last made me turn quite ugly. 
All the trouble came from my never havin' told my wife how 
far my flirtation with Nettie Skeffington had gone. The 
artful minx had in her possession a fine collection of my 
love-letters ; and, as I guessed she would stick at nothing, 
I was awfully skeart, for fear she should hand over the 
whole blamed correspondence to the Madam. I was in an 
awful fix, and, like most folks when tree'd, I was victimized 
pretty heavy. Mrs. R. somehow guessed that I was afeard of 
her, and was accordingly always in some trouble requirin' a 
pretty heavy cheque. Her appetite, like somethin' else I 
have read of, growed by what it fed on, and the more 
dollars she drew, the more she wanted. The appetite, sir, of 
fourteen cormorants, after havin' taken bitters, is not a 
circumstance to that woman. By the way, that is how 
| Mrs. Potts began to speak of her. If ever you get married, 
I stranger, and you hear your wife speak of anybody you 



38 

know, as 'that woman,' you look out, or you will see 
snakes. 

" Sir, I don't like walkin\ Movin' about on your own 
hind legs is a waste of energy. Cars are cheap, and time is 
dollars ; so I am not heavy on the walk. But I take a walk 
once in a while, as some people take a drink, medicinally. 
When I am cornered, I feel too mean to breathe in other 
folks company, so I go out alone. I took a stiff horn, and a 
walk afterwards, and findin' myself alone, between earth and 
sky, I says aloud, i Jefferson T. Potts are you an eternal 
fool, or are you not?' Echo did not speak. She seldom 
does, unless you invest stamps in gunpowder or bugles ; but 
a voice from my innards, responded ' Nary.' I acted on 
this right away, and owned up the whole business stock, 
lock and barrel, to my wife. I did not feel good on that 
occasion. I guess the feelins of a dog on the ice would 
about correspond to mine. I floundered and slipped 
awful, but at last I got through, expectin' a heavy time. I 
was wrong. The Madam bust out laughin', in a manner I 
never see before nor since, and called me all the punkins 
she could think of, for lettin' myself be fooled by an 
adventuress, and then gave me particular fits for not havin' 
come to her before. 

"'See here, Jeff, 7 says the Madam, 'next time Mrs. 
Rattlepole calls, I will see her alone. Guess I can settle her 
right off the reel.' Sure as death came the lady next 
mornin', and down went the Madam to receive her. That 
interview did not last long. The Madam soon settled her. 
How it was done I could never learn, as Mrs. Potts is 
always silent on that point; but I could not help hearin' 



39 

the servants snigger-in' and laughin', and savin* what a lot of 
lace and feathers, false hair, and other female fixins they 
found in the parlour after the interview. It was A success. 
We have never set eyes on Mrs. Rattlepole from that day ; 
so I, take leave to recommend you, if ever you commit 
matrimony, and have any troubles like mine, always to 
throw yourself on the mercy of the Court." 



^zhrtxbzs Import, Iter, !♦ 



Your friend, the Major, well I know, 

He lives upon my beat ; 
He lodges there in A S , 

In rooms he calls a suite. 

His habits are not reg'lar, and 

Are not of a recloose ; 
Sometimes I see him werry " tight," 

And often very "loose." 

He ran once nearly foul of me, 
He'd come up home from town : 

I'd 'arf a mind to " take him up," 
But his langwidge "put me down." 

D 



40 

He'd been to some Masonic Lodge, 

Which I could plainly see ; 
For no one but a "Mason" could 

Have made so " free" with me. 

He said I was a " brother," and 

I said that I was not ; 
Because this child's the only one 

My mother ever got. 

Twas in Brazil, he said, his hair 

Had from his cranium cut ; 
But I felt the sun out there had been 

And cracked his " Brazil nut." 

He dwelt on gold discoveries, 

With a Norte-John-del-Rey ; 
And how he'd made — I don't know how- 

That " Norte-ness" to pay. 

And I looked with grave suspicion 
On this blade up to the hilt ; 

And I says, " All this is gingerbread, 
And very badly gilt." 

He also talked of silver mines 

He'd studied through and through; 

And that, though he was a " Major," 
He was a "miner" too. 



41 

He asked me what I'd take to drink, 
And dropped to manners bland : 

But he reeled against a lamp-post, 
And I found he couldn't u stand." 

He said he always spoke the truth, — 
For which he was renowned ; 

But I thought, from his unsteady gait, 
He'd " lie " upon the ground. 

He talked of Burmah " railways," 
- And of thirty "ocean" gales; 
And, being " half-seas over," 
I placed him 'gainst the rails. 

The job I had to get him in 

No one will ever know ; 
But his "footing" got more certain 

When I'd taken him in " tow" 

I saw him safe inside his room, 
And I felt he'd have the heart 

To give me something ere I went, 
But I found he wouldn't "part." 

I propped him in his easy chair, 
On which I thought he'd keep ; 

But he rolled from thence upon the floor, 
And then he fell — asleep. 



42 

Ah, Mr. Bruce, how wise you were 
In doing what you've done ; 

For here's a gent who's just as bad 
At twelve o'clock as one. 

And so, I thinks, it's early drinks 
That catches all the worms ; 

And not the student at the bar 
That stands, and eats his terms. 

Now, since the Major's known to you, 

Just tell him to beware ; 
For it is my bounden duty 

To preserve my A S . 

Inhabitants they look to me 
To keep things going straight ; 

So give him my advice, which is, 
To try and mend his gait. 

And if he don't, look out, says 1 
(He sometimes says he's Scotch); 

He'd better now be on his " guard," 
For I am on the " Watch." 



43 



fttttdibtz Report, fjto. g* 



I'm told you like to know what's up, 

And doing in the Wood, 
So 'ere's a tale in confidence, 

Which I think's wery good. 

A note was to the Major sent, 

A week or two ago, 
'Twas written in a lady's 'and, 

On paper white as snow. 

It breathed of love uncommon thick, 

She'd watched 'im ev'ry day, 
When each morning to 'is tavern 

'E was seen to bend 'is way. 

She knew 'e took 'is breakfast there, 

Alone and unabashed, 
And could 'ave wished she might 'ave been 

'Is sausages, and mashed, 

For love like all such frugal meals, 

Directly they're served up, 
Is by the fond admirer soon 

Embraced, and eaten up. 



44 

She begged 'im for 'is portrait^ which 

Received, would busy 'er 

In sending ? im at once a note 

And "carte" to visit 'ex. 

x 

'Er uncle kept 'er wery strict, 

And two to one would ne'er 
Believe the major's pledges 

If 'e ever took them there. 

But there were times when backs were turned, 

As well the Major knew, 
When "cabby" — say — requires his pay 

When 'e comes up with you. 

She said she 'ad to back 'er up 

Some money, and some deeds ; 
In short, she was a widow, and 

Could offer 'im some weeds. 

To 'er the wooden pipes 'e used 

Were far beyond a joke, 
For a gentleman oos given up 

So much to fume and smoke. 

Well, Sir, I've little more to say — 

That letter which was sent, 
With such a fond affection, 

Based on true sentiment, 






45 

'As been shown about the Wood, Sir, 

In the City and the West, 
And; although a poor policeman, 

I've been treated like the rest. 

But what is odder still than all 
Is the point I 'ave in view, 

And which I now address myself 
In feeble words to you. 

'E 'as seen this noble lady, 

'E 'as taken of 'er weeds, 
With the freedom of the " Persians" 

And the boldness of the " Medes." 

'E to the uncle's 'ouse 'as been, 
And (of course, be-'ind 'is back) 

Of female 'ospitality 

'E asserts 'e's 'ad 'is whack. 

And this 'e's said all round the Wood, 

In the City and the West, 
And, although a poor policeman, 

I've been treated like the rest. 

But from information which I 
'Ave received this wery day, 

Therms no person as this widoiv 
Lives anywhere, " they say." 



46 

It's a 'oax and a delusion, 

Intended to do good, 
To show 'e should not 'olloa till 

'E's well out of the Wood. 

That 'e shouldn't say in answer 1 , 
When the truth of 'im is bid, 

That 'e knows this dummy female^ 
When 'e knows *e never did. 

Let 'im think of this quotation, 
It is wery simple rhyme, 

That a wild imagination 
Is a useless thief of time. 




47 



THE CLOSE OF THE SESSION. 



^mtogatmn $pjeec|jr. 



My Lords and Gentlemen, 

The time has come when the state of public business 
enables me to close the present arduous Session, and to 
permit you to enjoy the relaxation of a short recess. 

I am happy to inform you that the serenity which has 
ever prevailed over the counsels of the Wanderers' adminis- 
tration, has been fully maintained. There have been some 
complaints of irregularities in the Colonial Department, but 
these have been promptly rectified. 

During the Session now about to close, many large 
measures have been discussed, many considerable Bills 
have been passed, and the complicated interests of the 
Public have been sedulously regarded. 

I continue to receive assurances of amity and friend- 
ship from all my allies. I am happy to announce that a 
Wanderer has been entrusted, by representatives of the late 
Emperor Napoleon III., with the important duty of writing 

D* 



4 8 

the life and editing the correspondence of that Sovereign. 
Many attempts have from time to time been made on the 
life of the Emperor, but I believe that this is the only one 
which will give satisfaction. 

The Secretary of State for War has returned from his 
important mission to my ally the Khedive of Egypt, having 
accomplished all its objects. He has not succeeded in 
discovering the sources of the Nile ; but, I believe, it is 
generally conceded " Ex nihilo nihil fit." 

My Secretary of State for India has also returned from a 
special mission to Canada and America, in connection 
with a scheme of Railways. His efforts have been attended 
with complete success, and, it is believed, that at an early 
date travellers will be able to cross Niagara by rail, without 
having a cataract in their eyes. 

The only topic of a gloomy character to which I have to 
advert, I will briefly mention. The august Society has had 
to deplore the loss of their distinguished brother, the Chief 
Secretary for Ireland. His varied accomplishments and 
sweetness of disposition had gained the respect and affection 
of all his colleagues; who must, however, feel that anything 
more than a passing allusion to such a subject cannot with 
propriety be made at this time and in this place. 

I have to inform you that I propose to issue a Royal 
Commission, at the head of which I shall place the Lord 
President of the Council, the Secretaries of State for War 
and India, for the purpose of inquiring into the existence 



49 

and progress of Secret Societies. I have reason to fear that 
great injury to the health of my subjects 'has arisen from 
some portion of the proceedings of such Societies. 

The President of the Board of Trade has initiated some 
important inquiries relative to the manufacture of verses, 
which there is reason to fear has deteriorated. He placed 
before the Society some specimens, which may be distinctly 
classed as acatalectic, or wanting in a foot. I commend 
this subject to your attention in the ensuing Session. 

I have to thank my subjects for the splendid reception 
given to my ally, His Majesty the Shah of Persia. I have 
given directions that the words " Persicos odi " be struck out 
of every copy of Horace, intended for the use of schools, 
as inconsistent with the sentiments with which Persia is 
now regarded by every Englishman. I have to announce 
that another distinguished potentate, Mrs. Brown, has been 
introduced by my Lord Chamberlain, and has assisted at the 
deliberations of the august Society. 

I have to state that the Right Hon. J. S. L — s has 
been promoted to the cabinet office of Chief Secretary for 
Ireland. I believe that this appointment will give the 
highest satisfaction to my Irish subjects, who will not be 
slow to recognize his breadth of view, his exhaustive capacity 
and ability to fill any place. He has long occupied a large 
space in the public eye, and it is believed that his great 
success in managing lunatics, has given him special 
qualifications for dealing with Irishmen. 



5o 

Gentlemen of the House of Commons, 

The supplies which you have provided have been 
abundant ; they have been devoted to the public interests, 
and demand an expression of my gratitude. 

My Lords and Gentlemen, 

I now bid you farewell until the next Session, which 
will commence early in October. 





CABINET CAROLS. 

{Composed in honour, and dedicated to various Members of the 
Wanderer? Privy Council^ 




S3 



Invitation to % iiC §Ktih ri Jpmerirk/' 

DEDICATED, WITH PERMISSION, 



MOST NOBLE THE PRESIDENT OF THE AUGUST 
SOCIETY. 



(An Irish Secretary, aided by a Scotch Melody, extracts an Irish Story 
from ait English Whig.) 



Air — "John Anderson, my Jo, John.' 

" Sir A — n," said Joe, on 
a " Wanderer's " afternoon, 

" Can'st tell me why 

the Gods deny 
To some, all power of Tune ? 

The gift of Song 

doth not belong 
To thee, alas ! we know ; 

But prithee say 

a Recita- 
tion, A — n," said Joe. 



54 

Said A — n to Joe, " On 

Macaulay I'm at home, 
So I'll recite, 
with great delight, 

A Lay of Ancient Rome— 
Horatius' fate 
at that dread gate, 

Then how he dived below I 
And crossed the tide 
to the other side," 

Said A — n to Joe. 

"Sir A— n," said Joe ? "On 

the grandeur of that Lay 
We all concur, 
and yet prefer 

A stir of Fenian Tay / 
Of Meagher, O'Brien, 
and Mitchell flyin', 

Fatigued we never grow ; 
So give us, pray, 
' The Limerick Lay, 1 

Kind A — n," said Joe. 

Quoth A— n, to Joe, " On 
such taste I ?nust remark 
You spurn a Ro- 
man Eagle, to 
Admire an Irish Lark ! 



55 

But, what you choose 

I'll not refuse, 
So, since you'll have it so, 

I'll spout once more 

4 The Shannon's Shore: " 
" Thanks, A — n," said Joe. 



Dedicated to the Right Hon. the Lord Chancellor. 



Air—" Simon the Cellarer." 

Old B k, the Chancellor, sits in his chair, 

At 28, A n Street, 

And Friendly Societies thither repair, 
Their noble factotum to meet — 
Their noble factotum to meet. 
On his own speciality ever intent, 
He watches the doings in Parliament, 
And whene'er of a change in Club Law he's apprised, 
The Society's rules must, of course, be revised. 
Singing Tidde fol-lo. 

Old B k doth know 

How to earn his ^600 per annum, or so ! 



56 



T — d P— t used to sit in that same arm chair — 

(But his number was 29, — ) 
And Fve heard that eccentric old party declare, 
A snug little birth this of mine — 
A snug little birth this of mine. 
For first I suggest some amendment in laws, 
And then 'tis my duty to stick in my clause : 
So more than 1,000 new rules are sent round, 
Each requiring an answer, enclosing a pound. 

Singing T y P 1, ho !— 

Was the fellow to know 
How to gather a quiet ^1200 or so. 

When T y was called to a different sphere, 

Where no Friendly Societies are needed, 

Old B k, who'd deputized many a year, 

Applied for the post, and succeeded — 
Applied for the post, and succeeded. 
But the motion for sending Tidds circular notes 
Was lost by a very large number of votes : 
So the pay is no longer at " so much a head," 

And as B k performs it by contract instead, 

He says, "Tiddy fol-lo, 
Tis much better so, — 
What tempt a Lord Chancellor ! — no ! no ! no ! " 




57 



SONG, 



DEDICATED TO 



t Jrasiftmt of % Council 



Air — u King of the Cannibal Islands." 



Wanderers listen to me the while 
I tell you something to make you smile, 
Concerning the habits and general style 
Of " The President of the Council. 1 * 

He's upright, downright, honest and bluff, 

And if his voice is sometimes gruff, 

And his manner what's known as ready and rough, 

He's made of the very best kind of stuff. 

For, ever since his course began, 
His motto has been — " I'll do all that I can 
To help and succour my fellow-man" — 
" The President of the Cowicil" 

Too ral loo ral loo ral lay, 
Give me your best attention, pray, 
I've some important things to say 
Of " TJie President of the Council" 



58 



II. 



In Charity's cause a fortune he spends, 
And if any Society that way tends, 
It may always rank 'mong its staunchest friends 
" The President of the Council." 

And so an " Odd Fellow" he happens to be, 
And is quite "A i " at Freemasonry, — 
Which means, as a friend explained to me, 
He parts with his money amazirt free. 

He hails from the North, the land he loves best, 
And will always help a Brother distrest ; 
But he thinks a Scotch Mason worth two of the rest— 
" The President of the Council." 

Too ral loo ral loo ral lay, 
Listen attentively, Wanderers, pray, 
Some curious things I've yet to say 
Of " The President of the Council." 

HI. 

By the open window he places his chair, 
Though his crown is becoming remarkably bare 
But perhaps that's why he requires fresh air I — 
" The President of the Council." 

And I'd rather not be the man to propose 
At such a moment the window to close ; 
Why, if Waiter in that direction goes, 
Lord President snaps off Waiter's nose. 



! 



I 



59 



" I'd be very sorry to stir up strife, 
But I'm bound to observe, I consider my life 
Unsafe in a smoke you may cut wi' a knife/' 
Says "The President of the Council" 

Too ral loo ral loo ral lay, 
Still be attentive, Wanderers, pray, 
This is only half that I've got to sav 
Of " The President of the Council? 



iv. 

He strongly objects to go to his bed, 
And at midnight we know has frequently said 
He'd "just tak' a snack of supper instead" — 
" The President of the Council? 

This weakness of his he candidly owns, 
And invites, in his most mellifluous tones, 
His particular friends — Smith, Brown, and Jones- 
To " Finnen Haddies" and " devilled bones." 

And it's more than likely he'll give them a song, 
If his spirits are good and the evening long ; 
For he sticks to his Toddy, and likes it strong, 
Does "The President of the Council? 

Too ral loo ral loo ral lay, 
Wanderers, still be attentive, pray, 
There yet remain some things to say 
Of " The President of the Council? 

E 



6o 



He's " a household Word" in Freemasons 7 Hall, 
And he dances in kilts at a Highland ball, 
When he shows his calves, which ain't very small, — 
" The President of the Council? 

Then, after supper, he'll drink " The Queen," 
But, oh ! at his grandest the President's seen 
When " Hieland honours" are called for and gi'en, 
And he utters strange words, what"soaver" they mean. 

Yes, into crackjawest Gaelic he pegs, 
And mounts upon benches, and tables, and kegs, 
At the risk of breaking his neck or his legs — 
" The President of the Council? 

Too ral loo ral loo ral lay, 
Bear with me yet awhile, I pray, 
I've only a little more to say 
Of " The President of the Council? 

vi. 

But, in spite of a few eccentric ways, 
His character's full of such excellent traits 
That I scarcely can sing enough in the praise 
Of " The President of the Council? 

At the happier end of a happy week, 

Of "The Monks of Old" in song he'll speak, 

And tell us stories of "Abbots meek," 

And he looks, like the Abbots, uncommonly sleek. 



6i 



He's a genial guest and a liberal host, 
The Masons' pride and the Wanderers' boast ; 
So I beg to propose " a Bumper Toast'* 
To " The President of the Council" 

Too ral loo ral loo ral lay, 
Cease from listening now ye may, 
For I've finished all I have to say 
Of " The President of the Council" 



%\t Jftrst |to 0f % ^trmiralttn 



Air— "Steam Arm" (of the Service). 

Comrades ! who care for a harmless spree, 
Attend for about five minutes to me, 
While I gracefully hang, on a Christmas tree, 
The First Lord of the Admiralty. 

Ri tooral looral titi folooral looralooral lay. 

I propose to regard him from this point of view,— 
(And I'll prove my position both sound and true) 
" Of the things of this life there can be but a few 
Our Right Hon b l e Friend is unable to do? 

Ri tooral, &c. 



62 



On business or pleasure devotedly bent, 
His hours are daily and evenly spent ; 
And so modest is he, — so calm, so content, — 
If " assurance" he has, it is "accident." 

Ri tooral, &c. 

If you go to the City, you'll find him there, 
Ensconced in the great managerial chair, 
'Mong pictures that make you shudder and stare, 
Of horrors on earth — at sea — and in air. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

These sketches demonstrate the various ways 
In which a poor mortal may shorten his days — 
By machinery mangled — pitched out of a chaise — 
Or crushed by the wheels of 'buses and drays. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

To timid Proposers, so nervous and meek, 
Tis delicious to hear the First Lord speak 
Of the solace that all may successfully seek 
In the regular payment of £6 a week ! 

Ri tooral, &c. 

To keep him still, you may strive in vain, 
For he sups at the sea-side and sleeps on the main, 
Then rushes thro' Germany, France, and Spain, 
And in less than a fortnight is home again. 

Ri tooral, &c. 



63 

A Freeman of London ! on him may fall 
To fill the Chief Office, the Citizens' call ! 
And we hope, when he's Mayor, he'll invite us all, 
On the Ninth of November, to dine in Guildhall. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

From the First Lord's throat sweet music rolls ; 

Of the Toms, "Tough" and "Tinker" he pleasantly trolls, 

And bestows his pity on those poor souls 

Who dip into any but genial bowls. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

Of excellent songs he knows such a store 
That there seems no end to his repertowe. 
There's " Post Meridiem, half-past Four," 
And " The Bears' Grease" that came from the Baltic Shore. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

Some part of his time he can always bestow 
On wandering inquiringly to and fro 
For material to furnish a Saturday go, 
At our erring Brother, A***** B * * low. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

But now I've .a different story to tell — 
Our distinguished " First Lord" is a Volunteer Swell, 
Makes his bow to the Queen, and the Prince as well, 
And marches in uniform down Pall Mall. 

Ri tooral, &c. 



64 



Promotion to him is never denied ; 
So now he's a Major in all his pride, 
And on spirited chargers is seen to ride, 
Tho' his friends all think he'd be safer inside. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

Next, if I'm permitted to make such allusions, 
He's great in Freemasonry's institutions, 
And contemplates, they say, some curious fusions 
Of pale Knight-Templars and ifor/crucians. 

Ri tooral, &x. 

I didn't intend, when my song I begun, 
With my noble friend to have so much fun ; 
And yet I must add, before I've done, 
He's the whole three u Services" joined in one. 

Ri tooral, &c. 

As a major, of course, he's Military, 
Then we all of us know how Civil is he, 
And what, let me ask, can more Naval be 
Than the very First Lord of the Admiralty ? 

Ri tooral, &c. 

I've done ! But now, while begging his pardon, 
I'll repeat what I heard, our friend regarding 
Said a frequent Guest, " I'd not give a farden 
For a Wanderers' Meet without C — ey H — n' !" 

Ri tooral, &c. 



65 



"fame %Mtb;" 

OR, 
"THE MUSIC OF THE KNIFE AND FORK." 

(with a horn accompaniment.) 

Dedicated to Her Majesty's prijicipal Wandering Secretary of 
State for the Ho??ie Department. 



" Conticuere omnes. " 

I wandered to the Arundel, 

I wandered there to dine, 
I took my modest pint of ale, 

Preferring it to wine. 
There was no chance of friendly chat, — 

For no one said a word, — 
But the clink of neighbouring knife and fork 

Was all the sound I heard. 

I sat beside a thoughtful cove, 

Whose hair was turning grey, — 
To draw him out I vainly strove ; 

But nothing would he say. 
He helped himself to roasted pork, 

The apple sauce he stirred, 
Then the rattling of the knife and fork 

Was all the sound I heard. 



66 

He spake not — no, he spake not ! 

I felt perplexed— alone ! 
I asked a question, but I got 

No answer — save a groan ! 
The waiter stormed about a cork, 

And to our friend referred, — 
But the music of his knife and fork 

Was all the sound I heard. 

Fast, silent tears began to flow ; 

I said, " My worthy man, 
If you're afflicted, tell me so, 

But answer, if you can?" 
He moved towards some distant chairs. 

His meaning I inferred, 
But some muffled words, like " home affairs," 

Were all the sounds I heard. 




6 7 



"Clje l&ttmu 0f % §krtrer/' 

Dedicated to the Chief Secretary of State for War. 
Air— "When Johnny com*ks Marching Home." 



"Te redeisse incolumem guadeo."— (Yes.) Classical Referee. 

Young Rudolph is gone for his holiday trip — dear boy 

dear boy ! 
First in a train, and then in a ship — ahoy ! ahoy ! 
He said he was going to fair Italy, — 
But he's never once written to you or to me : 
Still we all were glad 
To hear that the lad 
Was journeying towards his home ! 

We've sighed for our visits to BarnardV Inn — alas ! alas ! 
Where the whisky was good, — and so was the gin — a glass ! 

a glass ! 
We've sighed for the Friars of Orders Grey, 
The balsam we missed, — for the friar was away. 
And so we were glad 
To hear that the lad 
Was journeying towards his home ! 

He used to ask in a musical tone — and say — and say, 
" What will you do when I am gone — away — away ?" 



68 



And we answered, we did'nt know what we should do, 
And hated the thought of saying adieu. 

And hence, we were glad 

To think that the lad 
Was coming so speedily home. 

Our Rudolph's spirits are always high — hurrah ! hurrah ! 
And when at an enemy he let's fly — ha, ha ! — ha, ha ! 
His words are so forcible, pointed, and strong, 
That they mustn't be mentioned in this here song. 

But we still were glad 

That the pepp'ry lad 
Had returned in safety home. 

War with the waiters he's apt to wage — sky high ! — sky high ! 
And then he gets into a terrible rage — oh my ! — oh my ! 
Yes, he works himself up to a frightful state, 
When the lemon's forgot, or the whisky's late. 
He swears 'tis too bad, 
And yet we were glad 
That Rudolph was travelling home. 

He's known to the various London hosts and their wives ! 

their wives ! 
With the Bell and the Bull, and all the Blue Posts— he 

strives ! he strives ! 
Makes artful suggestions concerning the wine, 
But sticks to the primitive 2/9. 

And that landlord's a cad, 
And his lady as bad, 
Who are sorry he's safely home. 



69 

Rudolph possesses an appetite good — hurroor ! hurroor ! 
And 'tis pleasant to see him pitch into his food — con amove ! 

con amore ! 
They say that he bargains for just a half-crown's worth, 
But demolishes very much nearer a pound's worth. 
So landlords were sad 
When they heard that the lad 
With " the twist " had arrived at home. 

[Young Rudolph's not vexed or annoyed when he's larked 

upon — not he ! not he ! 
But he don't like his dinner performance remarked upon — 

by me — by me ; 
Still I felt that unless / first started the fight, 
He'd be making remarks upon my appetite, 
And I 7?iightrit be glad 
When I heard that the lad 
Was coming so speedily home. 

For at luncheon we often sat side by side, we did — hooroor ! 

hooroor ! 
And I'm certain I got through as much food as he did, — or 

more— or more : 
So you'll understand now why I couldn't resist 
To make a few playful remarks on his twist. 
But I really was glad 
They were heard by the lad 
As soon as he reached his home.] 

The temper of some of us Rudolph tries — we know — wc 

know; 
Especially his of the Colonies — B — w — B — w. 



7o 

Yes, our erring Brother he often snubs 
On the subject of some Metropolitan /#&$*. 

Yet Robert is glad 

In his heart that the lad 
Who chaffs him is safely home. 

His anger is like the fire from the flint — you'll own — you'll 

own,— 
Tho' you strike, and it opens, you find nothing in 't ! — 'tis 

flown — 'tis flown. 
Yes, all who attend the Wanderers' parties, 
Know how genuine he is, and how kindly his heart is. 
That's why we are glad 
That the glorious lad 
Is safe and sound at home ! 

So here's an end to my one, two, and three — hurrah ! hurrah ! — 

My imperfect sketch of Rudolph G hurrah ! hurrah ! 

That our Brethren must wander, we very well know, 
And our hearts are with them, wherever they go. 

But we're always glad 

When a " Wanderer" lad 
Returns — in safety — home 



*<&£&<*&& «r — 




7i 
llUjxrr *}* 

Air — " Pleeseman A." 



Belinda, log. 

Oh ! I once know'd a Major, and his name were Major B. 

When I know'd him first, he lived in A — a S — e. 
He were Major in a Ridgement as they calls Auxiliary, 

But he never told me what that Ridgement were. 
Oh ! my poor Major B., he's a-going across the sea, 

If he leaves me, oh ! what never shall I do ? 
All the week-days I shall pine, and on Sundays, if it's fine, 

Take a solitary ramble in the Zoo. 

Chorus (of various animals) — 

All the week-days I shall pine, and on Sundays, if it's fine, 
Take a solitary ramble in the Zoo. 



Major B., log. 

In the spring time of the year, he says to me, " Belinda, dear, 
I've been sent for by the Monarch of Japan, 

For his Engineer-in-Chief has lately come to grief, 
And he says to help him I'm the only man. 



72 

Then, when I've set to rights that Land of Love and Lights, 
Where the foliage and the females are divine, 

I shall probably look in on the people at Pekin, 
For Confucius was an Ancestor of mine ! 

Chorus (of Primitive Mandarins) — 

I shall probably look in on the people at Pekin, 
For Confucius was an Ancestor of mine. 



After that, I mean to call on the Princes of Nepaul, 

For my fame into those Provinces extends ; 
Then, having stayed awhile at Java, I shall hurry on to Ava, 

Whose King is one of my especial fnends. 
But Til write before I go, that his Majesty may know 

At what portion of the season to expect me. 
There I live in pomp and pride, have white elephants to 
ride, 

And a golden Umbrella to protect me. 

Chorus (of distinguished Elephant Hunters) — 

There I live in pomp and pride, have white elephants to 
ride, 
And a golden Umbrella to protect me. 

Well, then, a few weeks later, I shall hop across th' Equator, 
That is, from " dulcis Ava" when I'm free ; 

For my word is pledged to call on some folks at Pt. de Galle. 
En route for the famed Islands of Fiji. 






73 

From Fiji I'll sail to Melbourne, with Commission from 
Lord Selborne 
To settle some Colonial Law dispute. 
Ah ! Selborne's worth a dozen of old Cockburn, who's my 
cousin, 
Tho' he treated my friend Tichborne like a brute. 

Chorus (of Puisne Judges) — 

Ah ! Selborne's worth a dozen of old Cockburn, who's my 
cousin, 
Tho' he treated my friend Tichborne like a brute. 

I shall have to find my way to the golden " Jean del Rey," 

To which I'm Mining Engineer and Factor ; 
Then my pockets try to fill, from the coffers of Brazil, 

Where I'm Architect and Government Contractor. 
And I'll look in at the place of that juvenile disgrace 

(To tell the facts of which would ill befit me), 
Where those prickly Pears abound, that established many a 
wound 

In the region where the Maltese terrier bit me. 

Chorus (of outraged Husbands) — 

Where those prickly Pears abound, that established many a 
wound 
In the region where the Maltese terrier bit me. 

(Let me say — en parenthese — that tho' Ceylon's a wondrous 
place 
As most of you, I'm certain, will allow, sirs, 



74 

Perhaps you've not been told that coins of silver and of gold 
In that island play odd pranks in people's trowsers. 

But I'm ready to declare that something happened there 
To myself that paled a hundred native faces, — 

"Twenty sovereigns in one fob, in the other twenty bob," — 
" Hey ! presto ! and the moneys had changed places ! " 

Chorus (of " Maskelyne Singalese ") — 

"Twenty sovereigns in one fob, in the other twenty bob." — 
" Hey ! presto ! and the moneys had changed places !" 

A little further on, and you'll find that I have gone 

To Peru, where I'm Consulting Railway-maker ; 
And I'll make a passage arter, down the Rio de la Plata, 

And so onwards to the Governor of Jamaica \ 
And then I shan't be far from the famous Panama, 

And the Islands of the famed West Indian Seas ; 
Leaving them, my course I'll take to the wonderful Salt 
Lake, 

To visit Brigham and the various Mrs. B.'s. 

Chorus ( of discontented Mortnonites ) — 

Leaving them, my course I'll take to the wonderful Salt 
Lake, 
To visit Brigham and the various Mrs. B.'s. 

For I'm always on the watch, new experiences to catch, 
Or my reputation ne'er would be increasing. 



75 

"The condition of man's life, in this world of toil and 
strife, 

Being one, we know, of vigilance unceasing." 
"Sed, amata, si/^/urus in Madras aut in Honduras, 

Vel per loca fabulosa sin errabo. 
Dulcissime loquentem et dulcissime ridentem 

Belindam meam candidam amabo." 

Chorus (of old Romans) — 

" Dulcissime loquentem et dulcissime ridentem 
Belindam meam candidam amabo." 

So I won't continue long, temptation's scenes among, 

Lest your heart, my love, with jealousy be riven : 
For you know I wouldn't do a single thing to worry you, 

Or afflict the Chota Sahib (now in heaven !). 
So I'll quickly sally forth, thro' the States both South and 
North, 

And examine all their wonders great and small, 
Interview the Yankee swells, live in all the best hotels, 

And return to England via Montreal. 

Chorus (of prosperous Canadians) — 

Interview the Yankee swells, live in all the best hotels, 
And return to England via Montreal. 

Belinda, loq. 

It would be my death, I know, if the Major was to go, 
And desert me for a twelvemonth and a day ; 

F 



7 6 

Still, I sees no reason yet to upset myself and fret, 
And meet troubles, as the sayin' is, half way. 

But although 'twould break my heart from my Soldier-love 
to part, 
My anxiety is daily lesser grovvin' ; 

For the galliant Major B. ain't yet gone across the sea, 
And it don't seem very certain when he's goin\ 

Chorus (of contented Wanderers ) — 

For our galliant Major B., who's always due across the sea, 
Appears to be a precious time in goin'. 



Be&irateb (toitjj |)umi$sijon) to % 



\/T ONEY R 1 

XVJL ATTHEW VJT 



LORIOUS 

ENERAL (op ordnaxchI 

ATHERER 



Air— "Scots wha Hae." 

Wanderers ! we who often meet, 
In City court or West-end street, 
Indulging in our weekly treat 

Of intellectual joy — 
Say, rejoice we not to hear 
The Treasurer's footsteps drawing near, 
While well-known sounds greet every ear, 

" 2/9, dear boy?" 



77 

Who shall question what he says, 
Who moderately thus defrays 
The cost, and e'en the waiter pays, 

To save us from annoy ? 
Firm, unflinching in his air, 
He whispers, bending o'er each chair, 
" I must trouble you to spare 

2/9, dear boy.'" 

Inflexible and serious he. 

Then no " contagious smile" we see; 

A thought of chaff or levity 

His looks at once destroy. 
Mark him well — how closely knit 
That handsome brow, which not one whit 
Relaxes, till we all submit 

To " 2/9, dear boy." 

What if, at "The Masons' Hall," 

Sounds of shillings three appal, 

Who is it quells the threat'ning squall, 

And banishes alloy? 
Our Treasurer, gliding round the room, 
Dispels all thought of fear or gloom 
Beneath a promise to resume 

" 2/9, dear boy." 

Should some one, laughing in his sleeve, 
Amusingly propose to leave, 
Let not that man himself deceive, 
Or think that he'll enjoy 



78 

His little joke two minutes more, 
For Matthew nabs him at the door, 
Remarking, " You've forgot the score — 
2/9, dear boy." 

Oh ! yes, his eyes are everywhere, 
He knows who occupies each chair, 
Who came in late, and who were there 

Discussing fish and soy. 
Attention close he never lacks, 
Justly collects that dinner tax — 
None ever knew him fail to ax 

For " 2/9, dear boy." 

Long may he the dues receive, 
Long that firm reminder give — 
Ay, thus, until he cease to live, 

May he his hours employ ! 
Brother Wanderers, let us pray, 
Far, far distant be the day 
When Matthew shall no longer say — 

" 2/9, dear boy." 
* * * * 

Not less the faithful Wand'rer hears 
These words in days to come, nor fears 
That change of time or length of years 

His " order" can destroy ; 
And so, when 5 p.m. draws nigh, 
And "Whats to pay?" new Wand'rers cry, 
A spirit-voice shall softly sigh — 

" 2/9, dear boy." 



79 



SONG OF THE SECRETARY TO THE ''ADMIRALTY," 
FROM "THE WATERS OF LETHE" {imperfect). 



^ttolkdxom of §xhtim. 

Air — ''Jack at Greenwich." 



" Dibdines immemoriae," 
In " immemoriam." 



Each Wanderer has his little sin, — 
Though in most things we shine, sirs,- 

I, with my own, at once begin. 
A want of memory's mine, sirs, 

( meet ) ... 
I love our < y spelt either way, 

( meat j r 

Think beefsteak pie not baddish, 
Like roasted pig, and don't say nay 

To sirloin and horse-radish ; 
But one day sitting calmly down 

In easy chair, at home, sirs, 
I fell into a study brown, 

And quite forgot to come, sirs ! — 
To come, sirs — to come, sirs, — 
To come, sirs — to come, sirs, — 
I fell into a study brown. 

And quite forgot to come, sirs ! 



8o 



ii. 



I rose, remarking, " This won't do, — 

Pleasure to keep from others, — 
Next meeting I'll not fail to go, 

And help my worthy brothers." 
From K — y came a friendly note, 

The venue to declare, sirs, 
At once I posted off a note 

Of promise to be there, sirs. 
But though I knew the various "meets " 

Of former Saturdays, sirs, 
I got into a maze of streets, sirs, 

And, dam'me, lost my way, sirs ! — 
My way, sirs — my way, sirs, — 
My way, sirs — my way, sirs, — 
I got into a maze of streets, 

And quite forgot the way, sirs ! 

ill. 

Determined neer again to do, 

What seemed unkind or shabby, 
Next week I started off at two, 

And asked the help of cabby. 
Arrived, I sought — and not in vain — 

My brethren's wrath to appease, sirs, 
Then took my wandering lunch again, 

My joint and bit of cheese, sirs. 
And soon they asked me for a song — 

'Twas in the month of June, sirs, — 



8i 

The day was hot, the whisky strong, 
And I forgot the tune, sirs ! 

The tune, sirs — the tune, sirs, — 
The tune, sirs — the tune, sirs, — 
So hot the day — the grog so strong, — 
I quite forgot the tune, sirs ! 

IV. 

Ashamed to think I thus had failed, 

I felt two inches shorter, 
And soon that " thoughtful waiter" hailed, 

And asked for "soda water.*' 
Once more they begged that I would sing 

A tune I better knew, sirs ; 
I said, with some familiar thing 

I'd see what I could do, sirs ; 
I sipped my " soda " — tried once more, 

When something fresh occurred, sirs ; 
For ere the second verse was o'er, 

I quite forgot the words, sirs ! — 

The words, sirs — the words, sirs, — 
The words, sirs — the words, sirs, — 
Yes, ere the second verse was o'er, 

I quite forgot the words, sirs ! 

v. 

Now much abashed, I hung my head, 

And shared no happinesses • 
I little heeded what was said, 

• And stuck to " B.'s and S.'s." 



82 



Tried to remember some new strain, 

But found myself a dunce, sirs, — 
I left the room — came back again, 

And did this more than once, sirs. 
At last I thought, to cease all doubt, 

Towards home I'd wend my way, sirs ; 
I sought the door, passed quickly out, 

And quite forgot to pay, sirs ! 
To pay, sirs — to pay, sirs, — 
To pay, sirs — to pay, sirs, — 
I sought the door, passed quickly out, 

And quite forgot to pay, sirs ! 

VI. 

A chill came creeping o'er me, and 

I colder grew, and colder, 
When, suddenly, I felt a hand ! — 

'Twas M s — on my shoulder. 

" No doubt," said he, " old friend of mine, 

You think our customs rotten ; 
And yet, dear boy, this 2/9 

Must never be forgotten. 
So be I sober or in drink. 

In earnest or in funning, 
'Twould be no easy thing, I think, 

Dam'me — to gammon G — g — 

Not G— g — no, not G — g, — 
Not G — g — no, not G — g, — 
Twould be no easy thing, I think, 

To quite forget dear G — g. 



83 

%\t Jrisj) j^rntarg, 

HIS AIRS AND HIS GRACES. 



Air— "Rory O'MORE." 

Since you've asked me to sing in that amiable way 

I've encountered among you for many a day, 

In spite of a cold, I'll attempt to essay 

A short song on my friend who sits over the way. 

He has played off his pranks before now, as you know, 

On G — g and R — y, as well as B — w ; 

He has also indulged in a stave on our chief, 

And some lines on Steele penned more amusing than brief : 

So list to the verses I sing unto you 

To an air that is tuneful, but not over new, 

To the honour of one to whom honour is due, — 

I refer to the author of Rhubarb and Blue. 

All the time he's been with us — first modest M.P., 

Then finally I — a — rish Secreta — ry ; 

This melodious Physician's improved you may see, 

II Each " bright " shining hour," like " the little B. Bee." 
How oft after luncheon we've envied at ease 

His fine massive chest \ and his numerous keys, 

And wondered how many rich notes it contains ; — 

For of false ones we're sure that he never complains. 

Long may he be ready to give us a few 

On each Saturday, when we are all of us due 

To assemble together, and pass in review 

The works of the author of Rhubarb and Blue. 



8 4 



He's a careful practitioner, too, you're aware, 
For his doses of med'cine are now getting rare, — 
Pr'aps he feels it is better for our wear and tear, 
To give us sometimes a complete change of air : 
So we need not be anxious as onward we toil 
On account of our anodyne, cod liver oil, 
Or even the Leech that is given to drink, 
Or more bark need we speed on at present I think. 
Still may we keep always these cures in our view ; 
Old ones are found sometimes as good as the new. 
Have faith in the doctor — which one, asketh you ? — 
I mean the composer of Rhubarb and Blue. 

What a pleasure it is when we see him at work 

At our Saturday lunches with knife and with fork, 

Before him his bacon and beans, or roast pork, 

Or a knuckle of ham from the city of York. 

But how sad when this picture is to us denied, 

When with Middlesex J.P.'s he's forced to abide ; 

For we know while to duty he willingly yields, 

His heart's in those High-lands, not near Tothill Fields. 

Let us hope that his absences may be but few, 

As they put us at times in a deuce of a stew ; 

For we miss the effusions, between me and you, 

Of the versatile author of Rhubarb and Blue. 

He's a peaceable man, and has peaceable ways, 
If I uttered aught else you would be in amaze ; 
Still he lays himself open to valorous frays ; 
For he's surgeon-in-chief to the Westminster Greys. 



85 

He would mount if he could, but his horse he says " nay" 
And persistently sticks to his bundle of hay, 
Declines Thorley's Food, which the doctor of late 
Has tempted him with to get up to his weight. 
But he winks at his master, and says, " It won't do \ 
I don't act as a charger and brougham horse, too, — 
And you're safer on foot," as he very well knew, — 
I mean the composer of Rhubarb and Blue. 

[The Irish Secretary interrupting. 

It happens, me Lord, that thim Greys I've forsook ; 
For you'll find in the Army List, Sor, if you look, 
That as far back as August in last year, I took 
An affectionate lave of my Colonel, the Dook. 
You the tale of my steed in the main rightly tell, 
For he scarcely can draw if he charges as well ; 
And as /can't— with aise — bear a sad loss, you see, 
I can hardly expect a saddle-horse to bear me : 
So let me alone, my First Lord, prithee do, 
To thrive on my nourishing, national stew, 
Supplemented by " goes " of the best Mountain Dew, 
And, if needful, a night cap ©f Rhubarb a7id Blue.] 

Then long life to that Wanderer never at rest, 
Unless he's engaged upon doing his best, 
To give to our meetings that freshness and zest 
That novelty yields to each member and guest. 
May his fancy dry moments at all times beguile, 
And leave still a something to raise a friend's smile 



86 



May his pen ever move with his thoughts versatile, 

And rough edges smooth down li>e a competent file 

So e'er each to each give a final adieu, 

In the warmth of our hearts we are sure to renew 

The sentiment here that I offer to you, — 

Which is health to the author of Rhubarb and Blue. 



jpast antr ^xtuni! 



Dedicated to the Right Hon. the "President" and to the 
" Secretary " of the Board of Trade. 



Air — "The Monks of Old." 

Many have told 

Of the W— s of old, 
What complex things they were ; 

But the present stock 

Boasts as good an old cock 
As you'll meet with, far or near \ 

For he listens and laughs, 

And the rich wine quaffs, 
Nor objects to the Wanderers' cheer. 

Yes, he lar.ghs — ha ! ha ! 

And he quaffs ! — ha ! ha ! 
And prefers champagne to beer. 



87 



And then will he jest 

At the pranks confest 
By the Classical Referee, 

And he puts on the drag 

When that notable wag 
With his long bow is rather too free ; 

And he listens and laughs, 

And the good wine quaffs, 
And — strictly between you and me — 

When he laughs — ha ! ha ! 

He chaffs — ha ! ha ! 
And Tve heard him say, — " Fiddle-de-dee !" 

For R— t A— e 

May be frequently seen 
To wince beneath W — 's eagle eye, 

When the great engineer 

Will too curiously peer 
Into some of the " reasons why ?" 

But the Major still 

Tells us tales of Brazil, — 
Which makes W — b distrustful and grim, 

And with Spain, too — ha ! ha ! 

Tis in vain to — ha ! ha ! 
Try to come the " old soldier " o'er him. 

Now pass we on 

To an excellent son, — 
(Very like his father in phiz,) 

Who, we know, has been hurled 

Half over the world, 
And a well-informed trav'ler he is ; 



But, he listens and laughs, 

While his liquor he quaffs, 
And what you may notice is this, — 

That 'tis odd he— ha ! ha ! 

Brews his toddy — ha ! ha ! 
Exactly as R — y does his. 

Then say what you will, 
We'll drink to them still, 

To our friends, both father and son ; 
And I boldly declare 
They're a clubbable pair, — 

And so say we eifry one. 

For they chat and laugh, 
And the rich wine quaff, 

And sit till their duty's done. 
Yes, they quaff — ha ! ha ! 
And they chaff — ha ! ha ! 

And are Wanderers to the backbone. 




8 9 



Dedicated to the " First Commissioner of Works .^ 



Air— "The Mistletoe Bough." 

The mistletoe hung in the Wanderers' hall ; 

And holly sprigs shone here and there on the wall ; 

And Her Majesty's Ministers blithe and gay, 

Were keeping their Saturday holiday. 

Sir President viewed, with a natural pride, 

Most distinguished guests upon either side, 

And one in particular seemed to be 

A general friend of the Company. 

And didn't he kick up a row ? 
Oh ! didn't he kick up a row ! 

As the banquet proceeded, this merry youth laughed, 

Every dish did he try, every liquor he quaffd, 

Every baccy that came in his way did he smoke, 

And on every remark made some jovial joke. 

He punned and he screamed, till the Wanderers began 

To suggest, " He's a very eccentric young man ; 

And yet so amusing, so hearty and free, 

That we really could wish him a Wanderer to be." 

Tho' he makes such a marvellous row, 
Such a very exceptional row ! 



9° 

Proposed that same night, and elected next day, 

He continues to act in the same noisy way ; 

You may turn where you will, but there's scarcely a spot, 

For more than a minute, where H d is not. 

An architect, too, of no mean reputation, 
He does naught but demonstrate the word "elevation" 
For he stands on the chairs to raise windows above him,. 
And raises the President's voice to reprove him, 

When he makes such a terrible row, 
Such an almost unbearable row ! 

When he raises his own voice, he cheers us the while, 
For when raising a question he raises a smile ; 
For two " whiskys " at once will he raise a request, 
And elevate thus both himself and his guest. 
If ever he's quiet, 'tis simply because 
He's infringing our noble Society's laws, 
Whisp'ring something cerulean, — but, pr'aps, this is due 
To Blue Books, with which Hansards, we know, have 
to do. 

And then he makes rather less row, 
Something less than his usual row ! 

If asked for a song, he's got one, and he gives it ; 
Says he stood on a bridge, although no one believes it, 
And — more elevation — he raises the strain 
So high, we're relieved when he comes down again. 
Then he sings us " Verse II." and repeats the remark, 
That he couldn't get over that bridge in the dark ; 



9i 

But there's many an excellent fellow before him, 
Who, like him, has been floored by a "pons ashicrum." 

Such men always kick up a row, 
It consoles them to kick up a row ! 

But, spite of his noise, he his duty ne'er shirks, 
As " Commissioner-in-Chief of the Wanderers' works;" 
He'll improve the Club room, decorate it, and gild it, 
And, perhaps, he'll design a new hall, and then build 'it, — 
But there's plenty to do in the course of this Spring. 
First Lord " thinks his quarters by no means the thing;" 
Whilst the office of " Trade " is a wretched old place, 
And the " Irish Legation" a public disgrace. 

So H d must kick up a row, 

Pertinaciously kick up a row. 

At present, he's busy with some of the rest, 
In arranging a shield and designing a crest ; 
And, if not inconsistent with heraldry's laws, 

111 suggest " H d rampant \ without any paws!' 

This over, his labours won't be at an end, — 

Fpr he'll still have his manners and bellcnus to mend \ 

Or build up a " Gallery " fit for the nation, 

And do what he can for his own reputation. 

He's got one for making a row, 
None can beat him at making a row ! 



9 2 

% gxm #ftr tfttglisfr Cjjmttkrkw." 



Dedication and Air — (obvious). 

I sing you a bran new song, composed by a crazy pate, 

Of the fine old English Chamberlain our Chief did nominate 

" For," said he, " to fill that office, I must have a man of 

weight, 
With something stern about him, wholesome terror to create." 
So he chose our good Lord Chamberlain, as suited to the 

present time. (Repeat in Chorus.) 

Tho' his varied occupations keep him frequently away, 
"From information he receives," he gains what help he may, 
And looks in — though not so often as we wish — on Saturday, 
To supervise the Wanderers' work, and to countenance the 

play. 
Like a kind and thoughtful Chamberlain, quite the man for 

the present time. (Repeat in Chorus.) 

He gives us license — without fee, — the Wanderer never pays ; 
Our works are read, — and always green, but never blue, — he 

says. 
Economy our Chamberlain both teaches and displays, 
And 'tis manifest that waste — with him's a thing of other 

days. 
He's a fine well-nourished Chamberlain, a credit to the 

present time. (Repeat in Chorus.) 



93 

If, for our weekly meetings, to the City we repair, 

'Tis all the same, our Chamberlain is still in office there. 

He's just a little hoarse, — but that's from talking to the 

Mayor ; 
While on the Corporation he bestows the greatest care. 
A stately, portly Chamberlain, like one of the olden time. 

(Repeat in Chorus.) 
Our Chamberlain's a gentleman, of credit and renown, 
Well-known and much esteemed, in this and many a distant 

town; 
Though a few punctilious Dames will shake their heads, and 

sneer and frown 
At his somewhat close acquaintance with a certain Mrs. 

Brown. 
How rude to such a Chamberlain as ours of the present time. 

(Repeat in Chorus.) 
But, after all, we ask what could these stately ladies say? — 
That he met his B — n in Town and down in places far away — 
Eat sprats with her at supper, and went with her to the play — 
Was he not always waited on by worthy Pleeseman A ? 
Like a most discreet Lord Chamberlain, a match for the 

present time. (Repeat in Chorus.) 

Poor Pleeseman A.'s alas ! no more, — that worthy man was 
slain 

By a species of asphyxia, in a serpentinic drain, 

And the Chamberlain has sought in vain a fresh one to 
obtain, 

And says he fears he never shall look upon his like again ! 

Oh, who would not be a Pleeseman fit to guard a Chamber- 
lain ? (Repeat in Chorus.) 



94 

Now toast we our Lord Chamberlain, and boast as boast we 

may, 
That the Wanderer's life is free from strife, one long, bright 

sunny day. 
On us eternal noontide smiles, — we know no evening grey, — 
Bloom in our bowers perennial flowers, — our roses ne'er 

decay. 
And a Rose is our Lord Chamberlain, — our pride at the 

present time. (Repeat in Chorus.) 



Cjw gedur an* % gtoil: 

A SHORT BUT MOVING TALE. 

(with an international chorus.) 

Dedicated to the Right Hon. the Vice-President of the Council. 



Air—" Yankee Doodle." 
I. 

Brother B — r came to town, 
A year or two ago. sirs ; 

And what he did to gain renown, 
I rather think we know, sirs. 



95 



As guest he won an honoured name, 

For talent and propriety, 
And thus a Member soon became 
Of our august Society. 
Chorus — " Fol-de-rol," we don't despise, 
Nor " Tooral looral loodle," 
" Britisher's " a name we prize, 
And so is " Yankee Doodle.' 



Our Brother's early pleasantry, 

We shall not well forget, sirs ; 
His speeches, wit, and repartee, 

Live in our memories yet, sirs. 
With morccaux choisis ne'er he fails,- - 

We never ask in vain, sirs ; 
His dish composed of " Yankee Tales," 

Is " cut and come again,'' sirs. 
Chorus— " Fol-de-rol," &c. 

in. 

Within a song's brief limits brought, 

Long tales we can't review, sirs \ 
But some of B— r's Tales are short, 

And so we'll sing of two, sirs, 
And — first— and favourite — of all 

Of that New Yorker hearty, 
Whose married joy was minced up small 

By an a?ite-?iuptial party. 
Chorus — u Fol-de-rol," &c. 



96 



IV. 

Her visits drove him to despair, 

So frequently he'd had 'em, 
At last he left the tiresome "fair," 

To interview "the Madam." 
Returned — behold, strew'd o'er the place, 

Debris of fighting vixens, 
False hair, and combs, and bits. of lace, 

And other female fixins. 
Chorus — " Fol-de-rol," &c. 



v. 

Next tell we of that husband, fond 

Of ladies and libations, 
Who sends his wife across the pond 

To visit her relations. 
u Post-nuptial parties " does he give, 

With these he fills his rooms, sirs, 
And soon oercome with smoke and wine, 

They all get " mops and brooms," sirs. 
Chorus — "Fol-de-rol," &c. 



VI. 

They toast " the Madam," — he replies, 

A dozen times or so, sirs ; 
At last he mentions qualities 

Which none but he should know, sirs. 



97 



On this a very drunky chap — 

Who snored, and smoke, and spat so,- 
Emerging gently from his nap, 
Serenely muttered, " That's so." 
Chorus—" Fol-de-rol," &c. 



VII. 

Dear B — r's title in our Court 

Is flatteringly nice, sirs \ 
For he may be described, in short, 

As "R — y's only Vice," sirs. 
From Mystic spells would he were free, 

From Slavery's control, sirs, 
And proudly own himself to be 

The " Baker of our Roll," sirs. 
Chorus — " Fol-de-rol," &c. 



VIII. 

A health ! — 'tis this Vice-President's, 

Long may he tell good stories ; 
Confusion to that reticence, 

In which, we fear, he glories. 
And as we wish our Roll to praise, 

All mystery forsaking, 
We'll toast it, — if our B — r says 

'Tis one of his own making. 
Chorus — " Fol-de-rol," &c. 



9 8 



Dedicated to the " Lord Steward of the Household." 



Air — "Hearts of Oak." 

Come fill glasses high, and I'll give you a toast, 
Good-fellowship's our watchword, our pride, and our boast ; 
To welcome a friend, and to honour a guest, 
Are duties and pleasures the Wand rer loves best. 

Heart of oak is our ship — 

Hearty folk are our men, — 

And great 'mong the many — 

Is K — y, Boys, K — y — 
We'll drink to his happiness again and again. 

When the Brethren " forget," and attendance grows thin, 
Remonstrance from K — y the sternest must win ; 
Of our duty he tells us, as good men and true, 
And if thus K — y does, why what more can he do? 

Heart of oak is our ship, 

And, to rally our men, 

We always have K — y — 

K— y— Boys— K— y,— 
We'll drink to our dear Secretary's health once again ! 

With native politeness his ear he inclines, 

To complaints 'bout the dinners — the whisky — the wines, — 



99 



Our " venue" he changes, our " menu " improves, 
And secures for the Wand'rer the feast that he loves. 
Heart of oak is our ship, 
Hearty folk are our men, 
And equal to any — 
Is K — y — dear K — y, — 
So we'll drink to his health, Boys ! again and again. 



. Cjxe &fo0 §aileixs> 

Dedicated to the Right Hon. the Chancellor of the Exchequer. 
Two Parallels and a Reflection. 



Part I. 



There is a Bailey whose head-quarters are 

Considerably west of Temple Bar, 

Nor from th' old gate of Storey very far, — 

Close to Whitehall. 
This estimable man employs his hours, 
Arranging pleasant comfort-bringing tours 
For those who, in this happy land of ours, 

Don't do at all. 






IOO 

If it true be, as I am gravely told, 

He, like a shepherd, watches o'er his fold, 

Clothing provides to keep off wet and cold, 

With other mercies. 
Bestows upon them, as I understand, 
Most sympathizing heart and helping hand ; 
Gives them, moreover, " lots " of fruitful land, 

And fills their purses. 

They hang upon his words ; for when they meet, 
He tells them life will be one endless treat, — 
Transported are they by the prospect sweet 

Unfolded to them. 
He promises to insure their every good, 
Begs that it may be clearly understood ; 
He'll fit them out with dress, give them their food,- 

Stocking and shoe them. 

And so they go, and variously remain, 

Some workers hard, and some of lazy grain, — 

So lazy, they begin to beg again, — 

Ask alms of any ! 
Here a successful stapler builds his pack, — 
Here one who heaps of golden wheat a stack, — 
And here a third who comes to England back 

Like a bad penny ! 

Part II. 

There is a Bailey whose head-quarters are 
Considerably east of Temple Bar 






IOI 

This one, — not from a New gate very far 

Of old, old Story. 
Here venerable judges pass their hours,— 
Aided by juries in arranging tours 
For those who do crimes in this land of ours, — 

Not nugatory. 

As in the other picture, — here, I'm told, 
A thoughtful shepherd watches o'er his fold, 
Clothing provides to keep them from the cold, 

With other mercies. 
Sends them to distant climes, I understand, 
For lawless " climbs '* in this their native land, 
Or for refusing to withhold their hand 

From others' purses. 

Here, too, some hang upon — no matter what, — 
While others who've less dreadful sentence got, 
Transported are. In places drear and hot 

We seek to poke 'em. 
And here each miserable slave remains, 
One in a thousand some slight respite gains \ 
But many pass a lifetime dragging chains 

And picking oakum. 

And here, too, these less variously remain, 
Hoping 'gainst hope their freedom to regain, — 
Toiling, imploring, cringing to obtain 
Some commutation. 



102 

But when they ask for work in piteous tones, 
They're spat upon by England's honest sons, 
And know no love save from the erring ones 
Of this pure nation ! 

Reflection. 



Sometimes, methinks, are these two Baileys right ?- 
Always I mean, — or would it not be quite 
As well, if just a trifle more of light 

Shone on these cases ? 
Could we discriminate 'twixt real and feigned, — 
Could motives be more closely ascertained, 
And brought to bear owfelo?i and unchained^ — 

Some might change places. 

II. 

The lazy Emigrant might taste the mill ! 
More benefit derive from the strong pill 
Dispensed by Shepherd, of fair Ludgare Hill, 

Than he expected ! 
The Convict's sentence oftener be repealed, 
And he 'neath Mercy's influence taught to yield, 
Might toil at last in no ignoble field, 

Trusted, respected ! 






103 
Clje difteir (fbun-hwctd 

(Steele, locally bored); 

OR, 

LOVE, LANCETS, AND LIBERTY. 

Q Jmtfc &ulz for (Kfmsimas, 

BY 

MAD JOE. 



CONSISTING OF 

An Introduction, XII. Fyttes, and a Conclusion 



Dedicated to the President of the Local Government Board. 



Air—" Love was once a Little Boy." 

Part I. 
Introduction — 

S — e was once a little boy — 

I know, I know — 
His father's hope, his mother's joy — 

I know, I know. 
Early was he taught — to walk, 
Instructed early how — to talk, 
Early, too, to draw — a cork ! 

I know, I know. 

Precocity — 

S — e, while yet a spooney lad — 

Shy, O ! Shy, O ! 
Thus addressed, in accents sad, — 
Heigho ! heigho i — 



104 

A lady fair — " Wilt be my bride ? 
Shall I wed you, love?" he cried 
" Thou shalt not, S — e," the fair replied; 
" Mine ? no ! mine ? no !" 

Perseverance — 

He asked again — she wouldn't yield — 

"I? no! I? no!" 
Her heart was cold,- but it wasn't steeled — 

Why, no ! why, no ! — 
" Too wild a duck is ieal" she said ; 
" With such a bird I'll never wed." 
So she married some one else — instead — 

(whom) I know ! I know ! 

Resignation — 

This stab he didn't deeply feel — 

Oh, no ! no, no ! 
(Proved himself well-tempered steel) — 

W T ine, ho ! wine, ho ! 
With no belief in broken hearts, 
Wrought S — e became a Man of Parts, 
And took a good Degree in Arts — 

Imo. ! Imo. ! 

Resolution — 

For future fame our hero burned— 

He-lo! He-lo!— 
After Arts to Medicine turned — 

Heal, O ! Heal, O ! 






105 

Brilliant honours gained, and then 
The dose of Steel prepared for men 
Was mixed with Tannin in that pen 
(of) Steel, O ! (S— e, O !) 



Sic itur ad astra- 



Work- 



Yet none could e'er by act of his 

Feel sored ! feel sored ! 
Excelsior ! — his motto this — 

S — e soared ! (Steel sword) 
No one but himself to thank — 
Kindly, unassuming, frank — 
He soon attained the loftiest rank — 

(the) Skies toward/ skies toward f 



All his works with love abound, 

I know ! 1 know ! 
Satire his that cannot wound — 

We know ! we know ! 
His ready wit, both sharp and real, 
Makes men successive Lancets feel — 
(Pointed articles of S— e !) — 

All know ! all know ! 



io6 



Part II. 

Sociality — 

S — e is now a Wanderer good — 

I know ! I know ! — 
Valued as he's understood — 

We know ! we know ! 
Of pleasant verse he knows a lot ; 
Dear A — n off by heart has got, 
And prompts poor chaps who know him not 

(as) He knows ! he knows ! 

Regularity — 

Constant at our weekly treat — 

I know ! I know ! 
Steels ain't used to " cut the meet" — 

We know ! we know ! 
To Wandsworth sometimes wanders he, 
With favourite Aunt to take his tea, 
Perhaps to discuss a Pedigree — 

They know ! they know ! 

Utility— 

i Useful's S— e in various ways — 
I know ! I know ! 
Drinkers' dirge superbly says — 
We know ! we know ! 






107 

To the latest hour he'll sit, 
And, if dullish grows the wit, 
We've got a Steel to sharpen it — 
All know ! all know ! 

Receptivity — 

Responsive to the Chief's command, 

Shy? no! Shy? no! 
For whiskys (Scotch) he lifts his hand 

High, ho ! high, ho ! 
Gently sipping as they come, 
He'd stick, if need be, to his " turn.," 
Until each gibbering Gael grew dumb, 

(or) Nigh so ! nigh so ! 

Travel— 

Once he went to Italy — 

You know ! Po, Po ! 
With that Lothario Rudolph G.— 

We know ! so, so ! 
Tho' for many weeks they strayed, 
They never told us where they stayed, 
Nor what partick'ler pranks they played- 

Fie, O ! fie, O ! 

Mystery — 

With B— n, may be, days they spent, 

Trieste, ho ! Trieste, ho ! 
Perhaps to famed Damascus went— 
East, ho ! East, ho ! 

H 



i 



108 

Let that land of blades and flowers 

Exercise its highest powers, 

It can't produce a S — e like ours — 

(i' the) Least, O ! least, O ! 
* * * * 

Conclusion — 

Some apology to S — e 

I owe ! I owe ! 
For I've treated him, I feel, 

But O — nly so-so ! 
Part of what I've said is true ; 
But, let me now confess to you, 
Much to the Wandering Fancy's due 

(of) Mad Joe ! Mad Joe ! 



"CJrc gircj* of % §toam*r;" 

OR, 

"THE WAIL OF THE WANDERER." 
Dedicated to Her Majesty s Ambassador at Home. 



Comrades ! spare awhile your chaffing, 
Grave " considering caps " put on ; 

This is not a time for laughing. 
Soon a dear friend will be gone ! 



109 

Wanderers ! own your tribulation, 

Let the tear-drop fill each eye ; 
Tis a day of lamentation 

For the august Society ! 

Cruel fate ! — why thus bereave us ?— 
Thus our best and purest claim, — 

Why should our dear brother leave us, 
In the zenith of his fame ? 

Yielding to thrice made entreatings, 
He, the brightness of our home, 

Strengthener of our zueekly meetings, 
Suddenly is forced to roam ! 

Praise his worth ! and, when you've praised it, 
Much to praise will still remain ; 

Raise the wail, and, when you've raised it, 
You may let it fall again. 

But a truth shall be unfolden, 

In the glimpse you thus reveal, 
" Promise of a harvest golden, 

Strong temptation is to Steele." 

Strange, indeed ! but still a. fact 'tis 
(Let us hope some good 'tmay teach), 

He is called upon to practice, 

Who was never known to preach ! 



no 

Tempter ! you've attacked him, surely \ 
(Well you knew hid not refuse,) 

And you've settled him securely, 
With his poor neck in a noose. 

In a " Daily Noose," they tell me 
(I can feel for him, because 

Such a misery once befel me, 
And I know how tight I was). 

Past your contemplated measure, 

Fitted for his work is he ! 
Yes ! you'll find in him a treasure, 

If you treat him dexterously. 

Little boots it what the task's for, 
Foil him not, in any way, — 

Give him all the head he asks for, 
Let his genius have its play. 

Every work to him consigned, 

Straight the master-hand shall feel ; 

All will poi?ited grow — refined — 
Bright and polished — just like steel 

If the daily News seem foolish, 
Yawning if the on dits imply, 

Steel will sharpen it when dullish, 
Steel will whet them if they're dry. 



Ill 

Widely o'er the earth I've travelled — 
Wanderer-like to seek my prog, 

Many a knotty point unravelled 
With a friend, o'er a glass of grog. 

But a safer, sounder fellow 
Ne'er I met with, I declare — 

Be he sober, be he mellow — 
Than our friend in yonder chair. 

Sons of Panton Square, or near it, 
Fail not to supply that friend — 

Ere he leave us (if he'll bear it) — 
Stationery, without end ! 

Pens and ink, and foreign paper ! — 
See that everything he's got — 

Postage stamps, and wax and taper, 
And a seal, — " Forget-me-not." 

That, when free from business fetters. 
Moved by that kind heart of his, 

He may write us frequent letters, 
Like a good 'un, as he is ! 



112 



44 $xom Somerset to ^onmoufy." 

Dedicated to the Right Hon, the Secretary of State for India. 



Here's a health to the brilliant J. C. P., 
In whose special honour this song shall be, 
Of the House of Somerset early born- — 
From the House of Somerset quickly torn : 
And he who'd find the reason why ? 
Down among the coal-fields, 
Down among the coal-fields, 
Down — down — down — down — 
Down among the coal-fields let him try. 



; 



Forsaking his boyhood's home, becos 

He 'listed beneath the immortal Boz, 

His polished works might oft be found 

'Mong "Household Words'' and "All the Year 

Round f 
And they who don't those works enjoy, 
Down, &c — let them lie. 

With bright success, he tried his hand 

At " The treatment of the Pirates of the ' Flow'ry 

Land,' " 
'Bout the hanging of whom he made such a bother, 
That one Daily Noose proved the death of another. 
At such horrible scenes we all say " Fie ! " or 

Down, &c. — let us lie. 



H3 

But J. C. P. forsook the rope end, 
To tell how the Suez Canal was opened, 
And his growing repute was further increas't, 
By the story of " Winged Words to the East," 
Let him who reads, nor " bravo !" cry, 
Down, &c. — straightway lie. 

Next our hero had much to say, 
Connected with the doings of the Derby Day; 
For he waited behind till all was done, 
And served up the " dregs " in a dish of his own ; 
And they who don't admire it, why — 
Down, &c. — let them lie. 

He further increased his reputation, 
By promoting Poor Law reformation, 
Asserting that the poor (tho' some said he raved) 
Had bodies to feed and souls to be saved ; 
And he differed quite from those who cry, 
Down, &c. — let them lie. 

But spite of his work, and 'mid all his cares, 
He administers the Wanderers' " Indian" affairs, 
And that famous tale 'twas his to reveal, 
Of " The lamb-like Lover and the flashing Steel ; " 
And he who can't its fun descry, 
Down, &c. — let him lie. 

Dear J. C. P. of late has wrought 
In fields of a somewhat different sort, 
To the " otium cum dig." has he turned his mind, 
And his ev'ry shaft 's of a peaceful kind, — 
Behold him in all his majesty, 
Down, &c. — near the Wye. 



U4 



FANCIES OF THE FACULTY. 



%notym. 



Anodyne, Anodyne ! 
In that soothing name of thine, 
There is music most divine, 
Anodyne, Anodyne ! 

Oft to thee do I apply, 

When upon my couch I lie, 

And in vain to slumber try, 
Without thee, dear Anodyne ! 

Thee in every form I've quaff'd 

Recommended by the craft, 

Morphia — Chloral — Battle/s draught,- 
Anodynes all Anodynes. 



ii. 

Anodyne, Anodyne, 

For thine aid I often pine, 

When I turn to versifying, 

In which I rather like to shine. 



"5 

If the muse declines to still 
The fitful wand'rings of my will, 
Then I take " composing " pill, 

In point of fact, an Anodyne ! 
Precious balm to thee I flew, 
Once when almost wild I grew, 
Maddened by Tic-doloreux, 

Anodyne ! great Anodyne ! 

in. 

Anodyne, Anodyne ! 

In that gentle name of thine, 

Clothed are memories quite divine, 

Anodyne, Anodyne ! 

Thou, my infant gums didst soothe, 
When, in days of earliest youth, 
I cut my first incisor tooth, 

'Neath thine influence, Anodyne. 
Scarcely less from anguish free, 
Once again I fly to thee, 
When my teeth are cutting me, 

Anodyne, dear Anodyne ! 



IV. 

Anodyne, Anodyne ! 
Most I need that aid of thine, 
When wearing mental cares of mine, 
Jog my brain and jar my spine. 



n6 

'Neath my pillow thee I keep, 
Close at hand when noises deep 
Would interrupt my usual sleep, 

But for thee, sweet Anodyne ! 

Highest praise to thee redounds, 
Heavenly music soon abounds, 
Snores become angelic sounds ! 

Thou the medium — Anodyne ! 

Anodyne, Anodyne ! 
In that magic name of thine, 
There is music, all divine, 
Anodyne, Anodyne ! 



*>&*>3&z&&&*— 



^Ijubarb m\H ^im. 



Air — "Rory O'More." 

Oh, Rhubarb and Blue is the physic for me, 

I take it whenever my liver's not free, 

Three grains of the one — twice as much of the other, 

Were the quantities used by my much esteemed mother ; 

The hour that she always considered the best, 

For consuming her Pills, was on going to rest ; 

For then she assured me no trouble she fear'd, 

But slept like a baby, till daylight appeared. 



ii7 

And " Oh ! if you'd make the thing perfect," said she, 
" As soon as you wake, sip a cup of warm tea ; M 
Then, presenting her Pill Box, she said " Take a few, 
There's no medicine equal to Rhubarb and Blue." 

Imitations or substitutes rather, I've tried, 

But I never can fancy they suit my inside, 

Taraxicum's one — Podophylline's another, 

But both were denounced by my much esteemed mother, 

For, said she, " In their favour I've nothing to speak, 

As the one is too strong, and the other's too weak, 

It takes quarts of the former your liver to jog, 

While the other stuff makes you as sick as a dog." 

Then stick to your colours " True Blue " when you're ill, 

And put proper trust in the family Pill. 

A true friend to me — it will ne'er deceive you, 

So lefs toast the Inventor of Rhubarb and Blue. 



(WITH CAUTIONS.) 



Air—" On the Banks of Allan Water." 

To a pint of alum water, 

When the palate curtains fall, 

Add some cayenne, and a thought o' 
Sage — divided small ; 



n8 

In an ordinary mortar, 

Should that sage well pounded be ; 
Then the pint of alum water, 

Will with damaged throats agree. 

To the pint of alum water, 
If you put too much cayenne, 

Tis likely that you'll cauter- 
ize your tonsils then. 

And oh ! such dreadful torture, 
You'll be called on to endure, 

That you'll find the alum water 
A bane and not a cure. 

For this pint of alum water, 

A friend of mine applied ; 
He said 'twas for his daughter, 

Whose throat was queer inside. 
But that rash and thoughtless daughter. 

For what she called " a spree" 
Drank the pint of alum water, 

And then, o' course, died she ! 



ii9 



€alt\iuvLm. 



There is a flower that bloometh fair, 

When Autumn leaves appear, 
In dainty dress of purple rare, 

It glads the fading year ; 
Its simple petals please the eye, 

And graceful is its form, 
Health-giving vinum Colchici 

's extracted from its corm. 

Chorus — Thy precious seed yields most we need, 
To cure our spirits glum, 
In flower and fruit, in leaf and root, 
Thou'rt wondrous ! Colchicum ! 

In other drugs no help I find, 

Tho' each in turn I've tried, 
Quinine and Colocynth combined, 

Potassium iodide. 
What's Guaiacum? why, after all, 

An inert Resin Gum, 
Whose virtues into shadow fall, 

Near thine — great Colchicum ! 

Chorus — Yes, all in vain, the " resin's " plain, 
The gum is all " a hum," 
And ne'er can be compared to thee, 
Thou marv'lous Colchicum ! 



120 

Oh ! precious plant, thy wondrous power — 

Thy comfort none can doubt, 
Who seek thee in the direst hour 

Of agonizing gout. 
True blessing, thou, and in thy praise 

I never will be dumb, 
But sing — while I've a voice to raise, 

The joys of Colchicum. 

Chorus — Thine extract green, I hold between 
My finger and my thumb ; 
In grateful lays, I'll sing thy praise, 
Unequalled Colchicum ! 







121 



THE "MYSTIC ROLL" AND ITS 
CONSEQUENCES. 



London, 

January lst y 1874. 

Mr. President, 

Herewith, you will receive an attempt to add to the 
amusement of the august Society over which you so worthily 
rule. 

With the exception of the first line, each line contains 
one or more names of the illustrious body — at times 
phonetically introduced. 

I leave it to you to decide whether the doggrel merits 
the attention of the Society, and I therefore entrust to you a 
printed copy for each Member, in case you decide favour- 
ably. If you accept this contribution to our hilarity, I would 
humbly suggest that you yourself should read it at our 
meeting next Saturday, and afterwards allow any Member 
— so desiring — to have a copy. 

If, on the other hand, you consider the production too 
wild, let the bundle now sent undergo the blessed process 
of cineration, and the few copies I retain shall follow their 
co-sheets into the air. 

I am, Sir, 

Your admiring Servant, 

The Author. 

To the President of the 

august Society of the " Wanderers." 



122 



t Hfesfo §oll a % " mmtottttu." 



January 1st, 1 874. 
The best works of creation were Adam and Eve, 

The fairest was Eve, and her son was called Abel ; 
He, daily, knife hard in, would to the ram say, 

" Let your lambkins 'ba' low as they die on this table." 

The bright sunlight would glow vernal landscapes upon, 
When toil was begun in the earliest morning ; 

And Abel was joyous, for ken he did not, 

Grey shadows cast down, now and then, as a warning. 

All envious Cain on the good man would glare, 

When that pater's son's steps with his flocks did not falter; 

And Cain's breath, 'gainst his will, keen sun far out-scorching, 
Burnt leaves — the red rose would blanch hard by the 
altar. 

See the riches in view ! Dell in shade — park in sun — 
Those green haws — that glade and the thick yew it 
containeth, 

Where the jay rolled the twigs into nests on the branch, 
Which, dipped in deep gloom, almost pall-like remaineth. 

In yon lake is a bay — lee side of the water, 
In such liquid to lave is no doubt a delight. 

How peaceful ! Eolian sounds steal around us ; 

E'en the lions do not roar, they bray — brook in sight. 



123 



Ha ! let us at times make back stares on the past, 
Note history's beck, ere we cease to be ponderers ; 

Take warning by Cain — think of learned a Kempis; 

Of Albert, on whom men heap praises and statues \ — 
Then decipher this web of wild words on the 
" Wanderers." 



%\\ Jnjqitirih 



Most of the Members who enjoyed last week 
The Mystic Roll that was paid out at Gregory's, 

Desire to know by whom it was prepared ? — 

In terse and playful language, who the beggar is ? 

Tis well for some of us to know where we 

Can get our fancy bred, and served so pleasantly 

A roll so easy of digestion's good, 

When taken now and then, but not incessantly. 

We've strived, sir, to find out since this day week 
His name, which from us he has kept ingeniously, 

And, having failed, as honourable men 

We may as well admit, " failed ignominiously. " 

I 



124 

Our friend, The Colonies, has done his bes t 

At every House of Call where skilled hands congregate 

He's had the Roll discussed, but no result 

Has followed, and none will, however long we wait. 

The Irish Lord-Lieutenant knows him not, 

So grey is not the colour of this rara avis 
And, after what the Irish Sec. has said, 

We cannot now expect to find he's e'er a L — s. 

The Cabinet, in fact, is at a loss 

To trace the donor of this well-done roll of ours, — 
P'raps he's a junior officer of state, 

Whose name appears upon the honoured scroll of ours. 

Can we in winter-time expect to see 

A cherished Rose abandon that old line of his, 

And leave his colour " Brown " for other tints ? — 
Of having done so, there is not a sign of his. 

Can we in G — g look for work like this ? — ' 

Apart, we fear, from that " contagious laugh " of his, 

No real connection with it can he have ; 

We trace in it no line — no subtle chaff of his. 

No K — 's hand is either to be seen, 

Because, although 'tis scarce worth while to mention it, 
So apt a scholar in the Gallic tongue 

Would make no " Roll " without a smack of " French " 
in it. 



125 



No H — s, no H — 's, charged with such a thing, — 
W — n, D — n, H — t — can they enlighten us ? 

R — s no " mystic " but " rent " rolls command — 
" An attempt of G — n," can it be, " to frighten us?" 

We can't believe it. Stay,— there's K — p, we know, 
Can use his quill without a doubt most gracefully, 

And B — r, B — n, J — d — all can write, 

But neither pen can we in merit trace fully. 

But how about our B — r not yet named ? 

Can he, in fun, have played so well this joke on us ? 
Or was it one of P — 's experiments 

That dawned last Saturday, or, we may say. broke on 
us? 

If he prefer to keep from us his name, 

Let us our glasses fill to all his mystery, 
And think we Wanderers have but handed down 

Another " Junius " to the world of history. 



126 



(T be 'Vlltgsierg " tantmxxtii. 



Of that most Mystic Roll, nigh enough has been said, 
Indeed, I should fancy it was growing quite musty, 

And I think it contains things — I wont say ill bred, 
But ugly and harsh, or, in bread-language, "crusty." 



ii. 



The author (whoever he chances to be) 

Has been by this time quite sufficiently roasted, 

And some of the Wanderers incline to agree 

That the Mystic Roll scarcely deserves to be toasted. 



in. 

I hear, at last Meeting, an " Alphabet " came 
Composed, as 'tis said, by some quizzical dog, 

Who sought to disparage the mystic man's fame, 
With " A was an archer that shot at a frog." 

IV. 

Though I don t quite agree that "the Roll" requires 
buttering, 

(For naught but what's proper and civil is seen), 
Still its sentiments need more poetical uttering ; 

Let me try, by examples, to show what I mean. 



127 



V. 

For concealing the name of our Chairman and Brother, 
To some grand country scene, Sir, I'd hurry on fleetly, 

Then regard hill on one side, and Lake on the other, 
Or the quiet Burn stream which meanders on sweetly. 

VI. 

And, then, I would mingle stern Warfare with Love, 
For, tempering the fierce with the quiet and meek, 

I'd associate Rudolph with fairy-like glove, 
deceiving the weight of a lady's soft cheek ! 

VII. 

Again, if the Admiralty's Lord were my theme, 

I would certainly (e'en tho' the labour proved hard), 

//^eniously tell of the Tar's happy dream, 
" A stirring sea-fight and its glorious reward/' 

VIII. 

To seek the Lord President, thither Fd go, 

Where the heather-fed rams, aye, their frolics reveal. 

Paint the Local-Board Chief (who's a Scotsman we know) 
As a Highlander kilted and armed with bright Steel. 

IX. 

And then of proud lady, may be, I'd relate, 
With her soldier-boy joyously sporting beside ; 

And I'd tell how she'd pat her sons fair curly pate, 
As strutting, he shoulder'd his gun in gxtdX pride : 



128 



X. 



Another example — the miser I'd seek, 

And his envy excite with some wonderful tale ! 

I'll go bail, he would prick up his ears, did I speak, 
Of riches that never diminish or fail. 

XI. 

Ill not further explain the few things I have said, 
Unless by " Court " pressure I'm forced to disclose, 

Tho' to make the Lord Chamberlain any more red 
Than he is, would be surely like painting the Rose. 

xir. 

Ha I 7ue sorely are tempted our neighbours to view, 
With disparaging Ray ; p'raps with jealousy sore, 

But extract the three last names I've tangled for you 
It may possibly lead me to send you some more. 

XIII. 

Yet no ! I perceive thirteen verses and names, 

So 111 pause ere proceeding to deal with the whole, 

For perhaps our mysterious friend only claims 
"A baker's full dozen"' to answer his Roll. 




129 



%CXOBtit. 



T ruly 'tis a Mystic Roll ! 
H ow shall we unfurl the scroll ? 
E Vrything about it's droll ! 

M ystery is o'er it cast, 

Y es ! the doubt is never past, 

S ticking to it — first to last ! 

T ell us Lord of the 3 Deck (er) 

I s it yours ? Yours — Irish Seek (er) 

C an you deny it — honest Beck (er). 

R eveal the truth, whoe'er you be, 
O simply say — " Dear friend it's me," 
L et our thoughts once more be free, 
L eave us not in mystery. 



Hanwell, 

Jan. 16th, 1874. 



#n $3Uabmg " %\t ' SPlgsterg ' tOTdixmsh." 



I should like to know 

Who such insult may brook ! 
Here's a pretty go, 

Why, he's left out B— k ! 



i3o 

Yes, and that's not all, 

Omissions there are many; 
Where are W — b and P — 1, 

G— n, K— e, and K— y? 

Chorus — Tooral-looral-loo, &c. 

Make him hold his hand, 

Let it be wzMferrvled, 
Who can understand, 

Why he missed friend J — d ? 
Whack him well again, 

With a willow-branch hard, 
Hit him might and main, 

For neglecting B — d ! 

Chorus — Tooral-looral-loo, &c 

Was he brainless quite — 

Was his pen not nibbed, in 
Proper style to write 

The name of Stephen D — n, 
Who sings of sea and ship, 

Of sailors and of navies ? 
Here's another slip, 

Not a word of L — S ! 

Chorus — Tooral-looral-loo, &c. 

Monstrous ! Can it be ? 

Answer, Wanderers, shall it 
Ever come that we 

Are perfect without H— t? 



i3i 

But, alas ! I fear 

That the whole thing's rotten, 
P — 's not here, 

And W- — 's forgotten. 

Chorus — Tooral-looral-loo, &c. 

Let the chap come in, 

I would "gie* his neck a 
Thraw " for such a sin, 

As not remembering B — r ! 
If he's here to-night, 

- Won't he find his star low ? 
He's forgotten quite 
To notice R— t B— w. 

Chorus — Tooral-looral-loo, &c. 

No, true Wanderer he ! 

Or, 'tis pretty certain, 
He could never be, 

Un-mindful of our B — n. 
Hostess all have seen, 

So he might have axed her, 
She'd have certain been 

To mind him of F— k B-r. 

Chorus— Tooral-looral-loo, &c. 

Tell us who you are ? 

Show to us your face full ? 
Why our pleasure mar ? 

Concealment is disgraceful ! 



132 

Come, announce your name, 

Silence he preserves, sirs ! 
# ♦ * * # 

Pass on him — for shame ! — 
The censure he deserves, sirs. 

Chorus — Tooral-looral-loo, &c. 



Athenaeum, 

January 1874. 

TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE A. S., 
&c, &c, &c. 

Mr. President, 

I have seen the " Mystic Roll," and think it needs 
butter. I therefore venture to send a few pats, and would 
suggest that they will go down more glibly, if accompanied 
by a song. The tune should be, " Here's to the maiden of 
bashful fifteen f and, I should think, Mr. D — n, Dr. 
L — s, or Major H — g, would know this tune. Ask either 
of them to sing it. 

I am, Mr. President, 

With profound respect, 

Your obedient Servant, 

An Interloper. 



133 



% feto " |pais " of gutter to aaompang % 

Dedicated to the "New ZealanderT 



January $th, 1874. 

A stands for "Angel" that " donum Deis," 
Who over our meetings presides, sirs \ 
A stands for A — n also, and he is 

" Sir H — y," our Chief, and our pride, sirs. 
Chorus — Let the heart glow, 
Let the cup flow, 
Jovial Wanderers, never say no ! 

B stands for Banner, inspiring so gaily, 

British tars on a glorious three-decker ; 

B with us stands for B — k, and B — d, and B— y, 
B — r, B — w, and B — n, and B — r. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

C stands for Countries the Wanderers explore, 

Coasts and Climates of Curious Concern, sirs ; 

C is our Classic Colonial Cure, 

Who has visited each in its turn, sirs ! 
Chorus— Let the, &c. 



134 

D are the Ditties, with laughter and tears 

Our bosoms alternately swelling ; 
D stands for D — n, our moments who cheers, 

His " Tales of a Grandfather" telling. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

E is East India — that land of delight ! 

Where the summer is nearly perpetual, 
But the Wanderer's E is the " Elephant" white, 

That B — w has promised to get-you-all. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

F stands for Friendship, and Frolic and Fun, 

To no subject ever irrelevant ; 
F with us are the Fans which the great Eastern Gun 

Proposes to bring with the elephant. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

G is the General who loves to employ 

His lifetime in battle so stunning, — 

But the Wanderer's G is the " general joy," 

With G— y, G— r, and G— n, and G— g. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

H is the Hand that each Wanderer extends 
To musician, reciter, and punsman — 

For H — s, H— t, and H — t, our excellent friends, 

Dean of Arches, Mint Master, Royal Huntsman ; 



i3S 



And H stands for H — g, First Admiralty's Lord, 
Who the ironclads builds and preserves, sirs; 

So the Poet's determin d to him to afford 

The whole verse he richly deserves, sirs. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

I stands for Isaac, the Patriarch old, 

J for Jacob, his younger son (knowing) ; 

But I with the Wanderers means ''Imagery bold " 
J the jokes that are constantly flowing ! 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

K stands for King, — we rejoice in the name; 

For we all feel respect for the throne, sirs ; 
In our case K — p and K — y, the first places claim, 

" Par nobile fratrum," you'll own, sirs ! 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

L is tl\e Lark, who his carol of joy 

At early morn warbles so sweetly ; 

Our L is Large L — s, a genial old boy, 

Who sings, and makes puns rather neatly. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

M stands for Mormon — O R — t A — e ! 

You recollect Salt Lake, of course, sirs ! 
But look for your M's when you think of that scene, 

In Memory Mix'd with re-Morse, sirs. 
Chorus— Let the, &c. 



136 



N is our Navy, the " pride of the sea," 

And the Nautical worthies so true-bred \ 
With us N's the Noise we make about three, 

When we Nibble our kNuckles and New bread. 
Chorus— Let the, &c. 

O stands for Omnibus, Ostrich, and Odd, 
Old women and Oranges new, sirs ; 

O with the Wanderers means Oysters with cod, 
And Onions with Irish stew, sirs ! 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

P stands for Packets of Prussian Blue Peas, 
In their Primitive Pods quite beginners, 

P—l, P—n, P—n, far better P's,— 

For they're always u prepar d for our dinners" 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

Q stands for Quarts of the finest poteen, 

And the Quartz that composes the steeple ; 

The Wanderer's Q is our well-belov'd Queen, 

Long, long may she reign o'er her people. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

R stands for Roses and R — s as well, 

That in the bright su?nmer abound, sirs ; 

But of Ramsays and Roses the Wanderers tell, 
Who flourish Hi entire year round, sirs. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 



137 

S is that Song which each Wanderer delights, 
Safe and Snug is his memory Stored, sirs ; 

S is friend S — 1, who that ballad recites 
Whenever he's " locally bored" sirs ! 

Chorus — Let the, &c. 

T is the Trough that they use in the stable, 
The Tavern in Arundel Street, sirs ; 

T is the Talented Talk at the Table, 

Whenever the Wanderers meet, sirs. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

U is the Unicorn, royal and strong, 

Unbelievd in by men of the Highlands ; 

Our U's the Umbrella that's coming ere long 
From the king of the Cannibal Islands. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

V is the Vice that distresses and grieves 
The Virtue of ev'ry good action ; 

V the Visitors each loyal Vand'rer receives, 
Vith Velco77ie and high satisvaction. 

Chorus — Let the, &c. 



"Ill W ma'am" says the Widower Who Woos, 
And the Wanderers with pious endeavour, 

W — b and W — n, put to their own double use, — 

And we hope they'll Work smoothly together. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 



138 



X beats my poor brains, and will beat my friend's, too, 

However severely he works his, 
So impossible quite to find anything new, 

We'll annex great and ^rcellent Xerxes. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

Y is the Yam of unusual length, 

Or the Yarn that sets sailor's eye glistening, 
And Y stands for You, who, in spite of the length 

Of this Yarn have so kindly been listening. 
Chorus — Let the, &c. 

Z stands for Zurich, and also for Zug, 

Or for Zealot his cause wildly pleading ; 

Our Z's the New Zealander cloth'd in a rug, 

These verses on London Bridge reading. 
Chorus — Let the, <S:c. 



Qa glolls antr £loIkrs. 

" STILL HARPING ON MY DAUGHTER." 



" Rolls" have I known of many a sort, 
Some rolls in earnest — some in sport ; 

We hear of " Rolls " in Schools ; 
But there's a " Mystic Roll " beside, 
Compared with which, we own with pride, 

All other Rolls are fools ! 



139 

Our breakfast " Roll " is made of grain, 
A " Court of Rolls " in Chancery Lane 

Is claimed by lawyers wholly ; 
And then the kitchen " Roll," we know, 
Is used to flatten well-mixed dough, 

For puddings Roly-poly ! 

Then, answering to the " Roll " of drum, 
Soldiers well-<£ra/ and mustered, come, — 

Obedient, but sorry ; 
There's the ship's roll on foaming tide, 
And B — 's Roll — from side to side — 

Whene'er he leaves the "Quarry !" 

Some Roll the " eye" and some the "H" 
Others the tongue, — and Rules there are 

To know, a Rolling stone by ; — 
And, yes ! — I recollect it still, 
The glorious Roll down Greenwich Hill, — 

Our Easter Mondays gone by ! 

Those who remember Cannon Row'l 
Remember — body without soul — 

The old Board of Control; 
And some will toast in flowing bowl 
Who love Old Ireland (as a whole), 

The Dublin New P&t-rol. 

'Mong Rollers, there is that good fellow 
Who rolled his friend home (all too mellow) 
In crazy one-wheeled barrow ! 

K 



140 

Doctors and Gardeners' Rollers, too, — 
Kemble I once as Roll knew, 
In the far-famed " Pizarro !" 

And then the Rolls we take in bed ! 
Finding our feet, where once our head, 

When bell for breakfast tolls : 
Our waking eye with wonder stares, 
Grown in the night are many tares, 

And in our sheets are holes. 

Besides the Rolls the bakers make, 
There are the roles the actors take, — 

The song the linnet trolls. 
Yet still we cling to our belief, — 
These are the chiefest 'mong the chief,— 

" The Wanderers' Mystic Rolls." 



Nowhere. 

No Date. 



Dear Doctor, 

I know you, and you know me. I'm a " Wanderer'' 
in my way, and you are a " Wanderer " in yours. I've 
heard about the " Roll.' ; The fact is, Mr. A. and Mr. B. 
have spoken to me about the mystery (that's good, isn't it ?) 
I've written a moral — a " more roll," if you like (good 



141 

again). You may read it, if you please, to the assembled 
" Vagabonds " some day. Say it's the production of 

Yours very truly, 

"Volatile Sarah." 

Or as you — I suppose — would call me, 

Sal Volatile. 

To the GAY, LIGHTSOME, 

and MODEST Doctor. 



% "Itorai." 



Tho' you've all tried to solve this mystery, 
From Juniors, to Lord Presidential R — y • 

Still is there need to sift this rolling history — 
This queer enigma ! — riddle ! — (epigram say). 

Was it the Viceroy of the Irish nation ? 

Was it Hans B — k ? — (tho' this would be for G — y, a 
sell). 
Or can it be — spite of repudiation — 

The Master of the Rolls is J. S. L. 

Some say 'tis hard the mystery to reveal ; 

While others deem the Roll as soft as Pooden. 
The Chairman still believes 'twas wrought by Steel; 

Like kitchen Roller, Steel declares 'tis wooden. 



142 

On B — r call was made — reply refused ! 

H — g asserts he couldn't write so crummily. 
Again, was the Irish Secretary accused, 

Buty. S. L. at last denied it rummily. 

The end of the inquiry no one sees ; 

The difficulty week by week increases ; 
Can an \mforfnate author live in peace, 

And see his offspring weekly torn to pieces ? 

Once more, we ask, wilt thou thyself reveal ? 

Thine effort, be assured, is highly prized j 
ZVvulge and live — or living still conceal, — 

Known or ////known — thou art immortalized! 



faceting Sugjgpestfon. 



A happy thought '.—That o'er this mystery 
A Wanderer's native bashfulness is cast ; 

And that the Author, with true modesty, 

Reveals not his own name till " line the last." 



H3 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



NOVEMBER 1871. 



When calendars in future years shall give 

Brief records of the times in which we live, 

And tell of births and deaths of famous men 

With no adornment from a poet's pen • 

When "Saints," and " Martyrdoms," and such "What nots," 

Shall be forgotten like " Gunpowder Plots ;" 

When England's history shall not rebound 

From " Cromwell," long lost, to a " Dilke " just found ; 

When " Queen " or " King," no matter which it be, 

Shall still be found one with a nation free ; 

When Ministers of State shall cease to feel 

That " Faction's " woe is not the common weal; 

When artizans shall know 'tis not their speech 

But their good labour that can lessons teach • 

When old traditions shall our minds engage, 

To*drive out treason from all living age. 

Let Zadkiel, then, and Moore, or he, or they, 

Remember this the Wand'rers' natal day ; 



144 

Let them relate in words that Poets sing, 

" How great events from trivial causes spring." 

How that the Wand'rers, in the dry and wet, 

Grew strong in power while they weekly met ; 

Never forgetting, as they took their course, 

The birth and parentage of all their force ; 

And as their mem'ries they were wont to please, 

They'd drink their birthplace— toast the Cheshire Cheese. 



immbcrsan) (Dbc, I8?2, 



Tis twelve months now, since first we Wand'rers met, 

To seek whatever solace we might get ; 

First in a dinner, then in whisky punch. 

But pr'aps I'm wrong — a dinner? No. 'twas lunch. 

To light and light again the Raleigh fire, 

That all who smoke, and some who don't, admire ; 

To put ourselves one afternoon at ease, 

Like mites, in fact, within a " Cheshire cheese." 

" We little kenned," as some of us would say, 

How much would follow from that well-spent day \ 

That, one year after, we should meet to blend 

Past charms with future hopes that know no end, 

Unless that " end" that comes from sore decay, 

When nature, worn out, takes the " dreary " way. 



H5 



Though care may dull the spirit now and then, 
And children make of mortals who are men ; 
We know how yielding 'tis to hearts that cheer, 
And serve up " Courage " at the cost of " Fear ;" 
How well " Despondency " may meet controul 
In the soft soothings of a " steaming " bowl ; 
How easily we find our thoughts renewed 
Of old. old days, to be again reviewed, 
Tempered the while as "Wisdom" gained in " Age," 
Turns in our " Life-book " every finished " Page." 

Shade of Apollo, whom the " Classics " say 
Gave to us that we boast of to this day — 
Our Music, Science, Poetry, and Art, 
To help us all to play in " Life " our part, — 
Thy beacon on High Actium's Mount may soar, 
Ere we approach the melancholy shore. 

Bacchus, thy brother, by just one remove, 
The offspring of we're told imprudent love, 
Shall not on that account be here forgot, 
Where still regret lives for his mother's lot. 
When he, in peaceful conquest, sprung the mine 
Wherein he found the value of the vine, 
Shall we complain, because his fate was such, 
That now and then he took a drop too much ? 
No, rather let us from his hist'ry draw 
A moral that admits of not a flaw. 
That cultivated taste may yet enjoy 
The virtues of the vine without alloy ; 



146 



And if in teaching lessons men may find, 

That " impulse " sometimes gets the best of " mind," 

That prompts the "good," yet sees the a bad" ensue, 

Well— let the " many " go, and save the " few." 

In moderation we our Bacchus hold, 

Kept in the warm, ne'er left out in the cold. 

And now a word for those who are away, 
In spirit still with all of us to-day ; 
May all good wishes wait upon their track, 
Until we see their genial faces back ; 
Gracing our board as oft and oft they've done 
With many a smile that some have earned and won. 
In these poor words I drink with all who're here — 
" Welcome the coming," speed the " parting year." 



oj^o 






^nnitarsarg ©&*, 1828* 



Wanderers, if you please, 
After your lunch and cheese, 
Now you are all at ease, 

Listen to me. 
Pipes and tobacco plied 
Weeds, foreign market dried — 
In the mouth — at your side — 

As it may be. 



H7 

Spirits, both hot and cold, 
You have all got, I'm told, — 
Whether or not, I hold 

I'm to begin. 
Our anniversary, 
Out of our nursery, 
Needs but a cursory 

Lay from within. 

Prosperous have we been, 
Pleasant days have we seen, 
God save our gracious Queen, 

Might we not cry? 
All in our gratitude 
For such beatitude, 
In our small latitude, 

If 'twould apply. 

Time may go rolling on, 
Bells may go tolling on, 
Mourning the dead and gone,- 

Cheerful are we. 
All that is joy to us 
Has no alloy to us, — 
Each a mere boy to us, 

Ever shall be. 

So we'll remain ever 
Firm to maintain ever 
Friendships that pain never — 
Hearts that are one. 



148 

And may our latter days 
Never know flatter days 
Than our old Saturdays, 

With their old fun. 



#ur "flpming 5ap," I874-?5- 



Another year begins ! The welcome note 

Of warning sounds \ and we are bade, once more, 

To gather round the board, and to devote 
To loved and loving friends some of the store 

From Memory's treasure-house — or Wit new-born, 

Pure as the new-born should be — that would scorn 
To draw from any the reproving hush ! 
Or call into the daintiest cheek a blush ! 

Soiled is our mirth with no uncertain sound ; 

That brightest satire ours, that ne'er can wound ! 
Another year begins, and while the tear 
Falls silently for friends, no longer here ; 
Grateful we hail the far more numerous train, 
Radiant with joy and health, and spared to meet 
again ! 



149 



rations of % |)rtS8 

On a Set of Verses sent to the august Society and considered 
by the Literary Council unsuitable for publication. 



The Eastern Star.- " We think it must be Hindustani, 
badly translated." 

The Inveresk Medical Guardian. — " No song can live 
without air"' 

The Law Journalist. — " Entitled to the same considera- 
tion as the Claimant." 

The War Reporter.—" The smallest contributions of such 
will be thankfully received." 

Erin-go-Bragh. — " Another necessity for Home Rule." 

The Shipping Gazette.— " We have never met anything 
like it in the whole course of our shipping experience." 

The Rugby and Cambridge Lrrepressible. — " From the 
sublime to the ridiculous is the work of an instant." 

The Lancet. — " Nihil tetigit quod ?wn damnavitP 

The Mining Journal. — " We went deeply into it, and 
found nothing in it." 

Our War Correspondent. — " Never was so great a pro- 
vocation offered." 

Lloyd } s Weekly. — " Not admissible in our ' Notices to 
Correspondents.' " 

The Kemp Town and Exeter Examiner. — " We would 
rather not express any opinion on it." 

Legal Riches' Guardian. — "We are of opinion it is quite 
a case for an intelligent jury." 



150 

The Masonic Mirror. — "In time, when the writer has 
passed through a Lodge of Instruction or two, the effort 
might be repeated." 

The Poetical Treasury.— -"Not so much as a gas metre 
in it." 

A Contributor to the " Public Ledger" — " Veni, vidi, vici." 



% Spasm in % Ipfe 0f lltajor §♦ 



i. 

// was on December 8, in 1874, 

A period of existence I never reached before, 

That I, with eager appetite, into my tavern bore. 

11. 

To digest that morning sausage, and that potatoe boiled, 
For which the stomach patiently had through the whole 

night toiled, 
I went to grease the wheel of life, and have it nicely oiled. 

in. 

The good landlord came up smilingly to give me what I asked, 
And my dejeuner soon yielded to the cravings I un-masked, — 
As did, too, the draught of porter which that morn had been 
un-casked. 



•i5i 

IV. 

Says he, " IVe got a ticket for a banquet held to-night, — 
Masonic. Pray accept it. There you're likely to alight 
On brethren, to whose Lodges you they'll probably invite. 

v. 

u Im unable to attend myself, and sorry that I can't, 
As the dinner's calculated all those present to enchant ; 
For IVe got to fetch from Paddington a country maiden aunt."' 

VI. 

/ took the ticket " like a bird," that seeks for daily prey 

To keep the pecker fairly up, and fly again away. 

Old birds who catch the early worms don't for the later stay. 

VII. 

/ departed to my lodgings, and I donned my suit of black, — 

For I fancy that my dress-coat fits me nicely in the back, — 

And my Burmah decoration makes the "turn-out" rather crack. 

VIII. 

// was at patrician " Lord's," where the cricketers abound, 
And whose every-year encounters have made the place 

renowned, 
This banquet, sir, was given, — in the " pub." upon the ground. 

IX. 

The dinner was substantial, and / had my usual say, 
And some persons sitting near me had, in a quiet way, 
Invited me to wine with them, and never mind the "pay." 



152 



X. 

1 took my accustomed quantum when I find myself so placed, 
And I soared in conversation over those the table graced ; 
For the table was more pleasing than the faces I enfaced. 

XI. 

I toasted and responded with the privilege of tongue 
That rises with occasion when you find yourselves among 
Those classes ft vm whom intellect remains as yet un-wrung. 

XII. 

I rolled out my quotations, all of which you know by heart, 
And had made myself "first fav'rite" while "waiting for the 

start '" 
But " odds" were not recorded, like the dinner, a la carte. 

XIII. 

Applauded to the echo, I prepared to go away, 

When a miserable wretch came, and said I had to pay 

A paltry bill for wines and drinks I'd taken there that day. 

xiv. 
He impudently chaffed me when I said a friend of mine 
Had given me the ticket that had brought me there to dine. 
" All right, old chap !" said he ; " but then that don't include 
the wine." 

xv. 

I rose superior to myself, and vowed I'd have no tricks, 
No halfpence would he get from me, but very likely kicks. 
He answered, " All I want, old chap, 's the sum of seven 
and six." 



153 



XVI. 

In vain I raved. Bound to be fleeced, I threw upon a tray 
The money for the Poison that I'd swallowed, and away 
I flew to wreak my vengeance for that wrong another day. 

XVII. 

I " left my footprints on the sands" of that ill-sanded floor ; 
Four-shilling dinners, without wine,/^?r this child, never more. 
To all but two-and-nine, and beer, I shut and bolt the door. 



oXKo 



% |) mziuQ <&h$txbKtxon. 



Major B — 1 — w has often observed 

That he is a Latter-day Saint, 

And while he may say that he is so, 

There are those who say that he aitit. 

I question not here the propriety 

Of dilating on even a latter-day, 

But certainly in our Society 

He's no saint when we meet on a Saturday. 



154 



lifmpstftrg on an (Erring $Sr0%x\ 



Oh, where in the world can we find such a treat 

As is shown by that Board where the Wanderers meet, 

As from hostel to hostel we cheerfully go, 

And list to the humours of Brother B — 1 — w. 

Oh, the flashes of wit, the abundance of chaff 

That dispel the week's gloom in the heart's honest laugh. 

Not Shadrach, not Meshach, not Abednego 

Ever passed through such fires as Brother B — 1 — w. 

Of Philosophy's ore we shall ne'er be in dearth 
When searching for truth, that best pearl of the earth. 
Our progress is sure, and can never be slow, 
When we're under the guidance of Brother B — 1 — w. 

Not Artemus Ward, nor even Bret Harte, 
Ever uttered such sayings, so slick and so smart. 
Not Baron Munchausen, nor Major Longbow, 
E'er displayed such a fancy as Brother B — 1 — w. 

Many lands has he seen, many tongues can he speak, — 
High Dutch and Burmese, San Franciscan and Greek. 
Nevada's dark mine, Irrawaddy's fair flow, 
Are just like Cheapside to our Brother B — 1 — w. 



iS5 



The white elephant's back he has boldly bestrode, 
And the myriads of Ava have bent to his nod ; 
While the gold-footed Monarch has tendered his toe 
To the warm osculations of Brother B — 1 — w. 

By him in far Utah, polygamous scene, 
The utile dulci commingled hath been ; 
And wives six and thirty, in rapturous glow, 
Hath Brigham Young sealed to Brother B — 1 — w. 

Long, long at our Board may this Wanderer sit, 
To improve us with Latin — to cheer us with wit ; 
Qicis sit pudor aid mo dies (the rest you all know), 
Aud we gladly apply it to Brother B — 1 — w. 

A full, flowing bumper let Wanderers quaff 
To this cultor of Horace, this master of chaff. 
Be it malt of the Highlands or grape of Bourdeaux, 
A health, double health to our Brother B — 1 — w. 



aittrerings. 



Ye who in fancy love to wander back, 
With pensive step, o'er Time's dim, shadowy track; 
Whose souls the magic present hath not bound ; 
Who live to think, and dare to gaze around ; 

L 



1 56 



Who fain would read Man's history, hopes, and fears 

Writ on the dark remains of vanquished years, 

Can beauty see in forms laid waste and low, 

And, o'er Art's past creations burn and glow. 

Tis you, we ask, to share the Wanderers' way, 

Cross ocean's foam, and other climes survey. 

Old scenes to visit, and old dreams to dream, 

Shall not, to us, a task of labour seem ; 

Though cloud-capped Alps uprear their rugged pride, 

With lightsome foot we'll scale their hoary side ; 

Though sands may rise, and burn the withering gale, 

We'll tread enraptured Egypt's templed vale; 

In Indian woods, though tigers make their lair, 

We'll pierce their depths, and view Art's wonders there. 

Ours it shall be to trace what lingers still 

Of early glory, and of ancient skill ; 

To mark how empires rose by might of mind, 

And scan the wrecks those empires leave behind. 

Oh ! yes, o'er mount and wild we'll wander far, 

Now lit by History's sun, now Memory's star, 

Traverse each land where Time his bolt hath hurled, 

And view, deep charmed, the ruins of the world. 




iS7 

G. B. 



One by one ! one by one ! Are they all going ! 

All our loved band ? 
One by one ! down the dark, rapid stream, flowing 

To the far Land ! 
One by one ! onward ! not one of us knowing 

Who next aoth stand ! 

One by "one ! strive we our hardest to smother 

Thoughts of regret. 
Scarce is the tear dry for one, when another 

Pays Nature's debt. 
Have we no sorrowing words for this Brother, 

'Closed in Death's net ? 

To our best sympathies ever appealing, 

Patient and kind ; 
E'en 'neath reproof, gentlest spirit revealing ; 

Ne'er did we find, 
One unforgiving, ungenerous feeling 

Lingering behind 

Only a cry then of heartfelt bewailings, 

Forth should we send. 
In grief for harsh words — with remorse for past railings, 

Low let us bend ; 
Remembering the goodness — forgetting the failings 

Of our lost friend. 



i 5 8 
$tt ||Um0mm. 



H e's gone ! Our kind, our deeply valued friend, 

| s now 'mong those who are not — who have been. 

G one to the far-off, the mysterious land ! 

G one from our sight ; but, tho' no longer seen, 

| n fondest, tenderest memory, ever green. 

N e'er — when we gratefully recall how well he played 

his part — 
S hall we forget his well-stored mind — his simple, 

loving heart. 



%txosixt. 

j. p. s. 



J amie ! the Wanderers weep ! — for many a year, — 

P erhaps for a life-time, — thou art doomed to roam. 

S ad grows the heart, and bitter falls the tear, 

T o think of thee thus sever'd from thine home ! 

E v'ry bright happiness, oh friend most dear, — 

E v'ry rich blessing to thy portion come ; 

L et hope — with angel-voice dispelling gloom — 

E ncourage thee thy lonely lot to bear. 






159 

J. P. s. 



Good-bye, Wanderer ; " Good be to thee; " 

Happiness that ne'er shall cease. 
Flowery gifts may nature strew thee, — 

May thy life be crowned with peace. 
Thoughtful, gentle, true, and loving, 

Naught but goodness springs from thee, 
Thus to others ever proving, 

So to thee may others be. 

Farewell, Wanderer \ fare thee only 

As thou doth deserve to fare ; 
May thy path be never lonely, 

Free from sorrow, — strange to care. 
May the glorious orb of heaven 

Shed o'er thee his brightest ray ; 
Blessings, aye, to thee be given, 

And thy life one sunny day. 

Adieu, Wanderer ! — to His keeping, — 

Best of guardians ! kindest friend ! 
Always watchful — never sleeping — 

Humbly do we thee commend. 
At the matin hour or vesper, 

Prayers for thee when we renew ; 
He shall hear each heartfelt whisper, 

So " Good-bye " — " Farewell " — "Adieu. 5 



i6o 

ANNIVERSARY— MARCH 15TH, 1873. 



Sure, Dibdin's birthday was a wonderful mirth day, — 

For the sea poet's a favourite wid great and small, — 
And the august Society, with pleasing propriety, 

Ordered a sea-faring dinner, down at Masons' Hall. 
There was models on the tables, of hulks and cables, 

And relics of the ocean scattered here and there, 
And farinaceous food, sir, — biscuits as hard as wood, sir, — 

And national flags cross'd so illegant behind the Prisident's 
chair. 

11. 

There was hard and soft tack, sirs, — highly prized by Jack, 
sirs, — 

Sea goose, dog's body, and sailor's pie ; 
And beautiful lobscouse, only fit for a nob's house, 

So they eat it all at the top table according/y. 
And there was some wonderful stuff, sirs, that they called 
plum duff, sirs, 

And cheese and butter — och ! I'd an illegant Pat, — 
And rum in pannikins, which seemed made by mannikins, 

But we drank it wid confidence in spite of that. 






i6i 



in. 

And the members was in force, sirs, — there was the First 
Minister, of course, sirs, 
The War Secretary, and the First Lord of the Admiraltee, 
The Lord President of the Council, and the Wanderers' own 
M— 1, 
And the illustrious and irrepressible Classical Referee. 
Then there was M — w, who makes the charges, and the 
newly-elected Dean of Arches, 
The Indian Secretary, and the President of the Board of 
Trade, 
The Chief Constructor of Navies, and Mr. Commissioner 
L — s, 
And the Master of the Mint, who his first appearance 
made. 

IV. 

And there was several more yet, sirs, whose names I quite 
forget, sirs, 
Including G — d — n, so learned in ores, and mines, and 
wheals ; 
Great Secretaries of State, sirs, — and one who came in late sirs, 
About whom the company remarked, that it was a " way 
of S— 's." 
And I observed among the many — R — s, W — k — n, and 
K-y; 
With names in the Wanderers' Cabinet I never knew ; 
And while the Home Secretary was chattering, the Colonial 
one was flattering, 
And roaming about like the original Wandering Jew. 



1 62 



And we'd the Chancellor of the Exchequer ; but we missed 
one Brother B — r, 
And the Master of the Buckhounds, and the Lord 
Lieutenant G — y ; 
And its lucky we'd no shindies — no breakings of heads and 
windics, — 
For the Law Officers of the Crown was conspicuous by 
being all away. 
But the guests was numerous, melodious, and humorous, — 
There was the President's gallant brother, of Indian 
renown, 
And there was Mr. R — e, sirs, whom everybody knows, 
sirs. 
As A — th — r Sk — ch — y, and he treated us to Mrs. Brown. 



VI. 



There was Mr. C — p — r J — ck — n — fine specimen of a Saxon, 

Professor W — kl — n, and Misters H — e and D — y, 
And there was an Irishman, sirs, called Mick Moran, sirs, 

And Dibdin's grandson, quite a hero in his way. 
And Mr. J — n, whose manner of fingering the piano, 

Was equal to Thalberg's, or Anderson's, or Listz's ; 
And St. Stephen, so charming he, quite promoted the 
harmony, 

Which is more than can be said of ev'ry St. Stephen's that 
exists. 



1 63 



VII. 

Then the President made a speech, sirs, intended to teach, 
sirs, 
That geniuses like Dibdin's can never die \ 
And the Commissioner in Lunacy repeated the sentiment 
as soon as he 
Succeeded in catching the Presidential eye ; 
Then S — ph — n D — bd — n addressed us, and he thanked us 
and blessed us, 
And sang one " Poor Jack," which made us weep, and 
another Jack, that made us smile ; 
And over our grog, sirs, we'd the sailor's log, sirs, 

By the Admiralty's First Lord, in his usual accomplished 
style. 

VIII. 

Then a member was heard trolling the " Lament for Tom 
Bowling," 

And " The lads of the village " some time afterward, 
And as if that wasn't enough, sirs, we were treated to " Tom 
Tough," sirs, — 

All the compositions of our dear immortal bard. 
And the hours passed gaily, and the company so freely 

Conversed genteelly, and sang many a song ; 
And the time for leaving was a time for grieving, 

And that festival will live sweetly in our memories long. 

March i$t/i, 1873. 



164 



OR, 

CERTAIN DEATH TO THE MEMBERS OF THE AUGUST 

SOCIETY ! 



10 Merry Wanderers, sitting down to dine, 

One made a " blue " remark, then there were 9 ; 
9 Merry Wanderers, stopping rather late, 

H — d sung an alto song, then there were 8. 

Chorus — 1 Merry, 2 merry, 3 merry, 

4 Merry, 5 merry, Wanderer Boys ; 

6 Merry, 7 merry, 8 merry, 

9 Merry, 10 merry, Wanderer Boys. 

8 Merry Wanderers, eating like eleven, 

One offended Rudolph G — , then there were 7 ; 

7 Merry Wanderers, full of merry tricks, 

One shut R — 's window ! then there were 6. 

Chorus — 1 Merry, &c. 

6 Merry Wanderers, to compliments alive, 

One stood up to make a speech, then there were 5 \ 

5 Merry Wanderers, moving towards the door, 
One refused his 2/9 ! — G — g counted 4. 

Chorus — 1 Merry, &c. 



i6 5 



4 Merry Wanderers, starting for a spree, 

One paired off with B — w, — soon there were but 3 ; 
3 Merry Wanderers, not knowing what to do, 

One insured at H — 's place, — then there were 2. 

Chorus — 1 Merry, &c. 

2 Merry Wanderers, knowing what was done, 

Tried the other Comp'ny, which reduced the two to one; 
One wretched Wanderer, friendless and alone, 

Took to bad Scotch whisky — soon the race was 
gone ! 

Chorus — 1 Merry, &c. 



Daiiej/s ^monstrance ; " 



44 THREAT OF THE CHANCELLOR OF THE 
EXCHEQUER." 



41 Nigger Song." Air— li Gaily the Troubadour." 
I. 



Baily de Chancellor, 

Smoke him cigar, 
Him great " Financellor/- 

Just tink he wor. 



i66 

Singing, " Me trudge it here, 

Oft as desired, 
But it seem budget here 

Nebber required." 

ii. 

He from de Wanderers 

Coin nebber gleans ; 
Tink dey be squanderers 

Ob ways and means ! 
What dat Exchequer say, 

Noting to us, 
Chancellor — B — r says — 

'Musing old " cus." 

in. 

" Nebber,'' say Chancellor, 

" You'll understand, 
" Till me, advance a law 

" Balance in hand!' 
" Wanderers, your motto be, 

" Dese words ob mine, 
" But if dis not to be, 

" Den me resign !" 



•&WL 



1 67 



o 

4TH APRIL, 1874. 



Within the Temple, Goldsmith's ashes lie. 
No showy tomb attracts the passers-by ; 
A simple slab alone arrests the eye. 

Hard by, a tree or two that leaf each year, 
To which the truant birds return to cheer, 
With playful chirps, the idle Templets ear. 

Some graves with stones — mementoes, here and there, 

Of fond affections, or of tender care 

Of friends who, in their turn, are laid eleswhere. 

And so a hundred years have passed away, 
Since Death became the Poet's final lay, 
And pen, and intellect, had had their day. 

Yielding to pain, and poverty, and grief, 
At failing powers that gathered no relief, 
His struggles were as temperate as brief. 

Then following a track oft trod before, 

Where missions end, and hopes and fears are o'er, 

He sank to rest to be disturbed no more. 



1 68 

Such was the close of life with one who'd tried 
O'er rugged roads, and ugly brakes, to ride, 
With stubborn Nature for his only guide. 

Yet, now and then, his pilgrimage he stayed, 
To yield his homage to the dell and glade, 
And coy with beauties God alone had made. 

If yet, again, he halted for a while 

To, with glad moments, his poor heart beguile, 

It was to raise a merry passing smile. 

His destiny was work. A little rest, 

Soothed by the love of those who knew him best, 

Seemed all the joy of which he went in quest. 

And in his work the master hand we trace, 
Using its power with every manly grace, 
To look, with pride, the future in the face. 

To teach expression to the thoughts that fill 
The minds of men with some artistic skill, 
Who stand possessed of all the heart and will. 

So in the Temple let his ashes lie, 

And though the spot may know no passer-by, 

His name shall live. His works shall never die. 



169 

#liter doltrsmiijr. 

(11.) 



Thoughtless, and vain, and reckless, if you will ; 
But generous, and merciful, and kindly still — 
With overflowing heart his course he ran, 
Loving and pitying his fellow man. 
Think of the thousands whom he strove to save ; 
Picture the mourners weeping o'er his grave. 
Hundreds of noble spirits who deplored 
The lost converse of a mind so stored. 
Far happier we — to us he never dies — 
We revel in those bounteous legacies, 
Which cheer our hearts — defy us to be dull : 
So genial they — so fresh, so beautiful. 
A halo round our course below they cast, 
" And bid our Heaven begin, ere yet our earth be past." 



170 



LYRICAL AND OCCASIONAL. 
In Five Cantos. 



CANTO I. 

ELEMENTARY — DEDICATORY — INTRODUCTORY — 
EXPLANATORY. 

The august and sublime Society of "Wanderers." 
What they do — why they do it. 

" Pransuri vagamur." 

An original song, just by way of variety, — 

The words and the music entirely my own, — 
In praise of our august and happy Society, 

Equalled by few, and exceeded by none. 
Food for mind and for body intent upon having ; 

O'er London, and e'en in the suburbs we range, 
Rejoicing, we wander from tavern to tavern, 

In purpose quite upright, but bent upon change. 

Chorus — Wanderers, wanderers, 
In purpose, &c. 



171 
CANTO II. 

ALIMENTARY GRAMMATICAL. 

The Wanderers — Further information — the moderate- 
ness of their requirements— the simplicity of their tastes — the 
correctness of their diction — their unselfishness. 

" Integer vitae — Wanderer, for instance, 
Non eget dishes delicate and dainty, 
Nee ven he calls for celery so pums, 
Fusses a waiter." . . . 

Our gatherings, tho' 7veek\y, are strongly attended, 

And only for plain roast and boiled do we care, 
On naught soup or fishal our money's expended, 

And there's seldom if ever a fowl in our fare. 
AVeekly gatherings I said ; but, in these correct latter days, 

I should alter one word, tho' the change be but 
nominal ; 
As we always take food, but we miss a few Saturdays, — 

Our meetings had best be described as ^-dominal. 

Chorus — Wanderers, &c. 

Our meetings, &c. 



CANTO III. 

JESTHETICAL FUMIGATORY. 

The Wanderers — Their exalted aspirations — their 
morality — their propriety , — and some of their tendencies. 

1 ' Nil fcedum dictu visune, hcec limna tangat, 
Intraquae, ■ Wanderers.' " 

For extravagant viands we don't care a button — 
No potent libations to render us frisky ; 

M 



1/2 

Our " feast " is " of reason," assisted by mutton, — 
Our drink, " flow of soul," with a trifle of whisky. 

Profane or blue words are with us quite a rarity, 
Tho' one " repartee " smart on other succeeds ; 

And the growth of our flowers of wit and hilarity 
Is promoted — instead of retarded — by weeds. 

Chorus — Wanderers, &c. 
Is promoted, &c. 



CANTO IV. 

HUMOROUS — HARMONIOUS. 

The Wanderers — Their enjoyments — their socialities — 
their conte?itedness. 

u Carmen amicitiae." 

The glorious " old school " we are said to belong to, — 

We eat our roast mutton or sirloin with zest ; 
We love a sharp pun, — we enjoy a good song, too, — 

And the songs of old England delight us the best. 
In drinking our liquor, we're " Scotsmen " or " Fenians/' 

Else we quaff the clear spirit of plebeian name; 
And if, sometimes, we find that our glasses are tiny 'uns, 

Less water we add, and it comes to the same. 

Chorus — Wanderers, &c. 
Less water, &c. 



173 
CANTO V. 

PICKWICKIAN — SENTIMENTAL — VALEDICTORY. 

The Wanderers — The courtesy of their President — tlieir 
brotherly love. 

1 i spes tessera semper 
Mnemosyneque procul — tristia fata fuget." 

Our President leaves us between 6 and 7, 

But a substitute finds ere he wends his way home, 
And perhaps we go on till 9, 10, or 11, 

Though no doubt by such hours we've " Pickwickians * 
become. 
And, whenever at last we determine on starting, 

Our " farewell " is sure to be mingled with pain ; 
For there's always " Love's sigh " with the Wanderers' 
at parting, 

But always " Hope's smile " for their meeting again. 

Chorus — Wanderers, &c. 

There's always " Hope's smile," &c. 




174 

#to to " Sir jfttsiftnt" 



Non tali eget auxilio, Henrici 
A — n equitis, fama — 
Quod si fidem ejus, ac 
Benovolentiam, bonorum omnium 
Consensus, — si genus, et vitam 
Mariror testabitur ! amoris 
Tamen et studii, quo Musas 
Etiam in juventute 
Complexus erat — exiguo, sit 
Pignori, hie noster susurrus — 
Hoc nostrum opusculum. 

El(T€Tl yOLS 7TV€LU TOL VOL ^€tAca 

Ken to (t6v acrOfia 
'A X o) 8\ EN AONAKEEEI t&s 

iTi/3o(TKeT dotSas. 
Prtd. Kal Maii. 1873. 

" No song is needed to intone his fame, 
While Honour's scroll enrols his noble name : 
His faith, benevolence, and manly love, 
Vie with each other for the Prize above ! 
His wisdom, guided by a learning rare, 
Leaves to the living wealth wherein to share. 
If song be needed still, let the refrain 
Of theme so noble ne'er be sung in vain ! — 
Let its pure breathings, then, be loud and long, 
And echo feed upon the welcome song !" 



175 



Once more I sit in the " Cheshire" 
As the Laureate sat in " the Cock," 
And from out the years that are vanished 
Multitudinous memories flock. 

For more than three decades have taken 
Their with pleasure and pain freighted flight 
Since first I sat in the " Cheshire" 
And the room that we sit in to-night. 

The hostel remains, but where are they — 
The genial, the gifted, the brave, 
With whom erst I delighted to feast here ? 
They are silent and cold in the grave. 

Yet happier am I than the Laureate, 
For he sat by himself in " the Cock," 
And heard only the ghosts of old friendships 
At the portals of memory knock. 

Cheerful voices are here all around me, 
Friendly faces, if most of them new — 
But what matters the newness of faces 
Since the hearts of the wearers are true ? 

And the bond that connects us a pledge is 
That our brotherly union shall last, 
So here 'mid the Wanderers I feel that 
The future must rival the past. 



176 



Then a sigh for the friends that are Yonder. 
But a smile for the friends that are here, 
And I finish by drinking you all a 
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

igf/i December, 1874. 



<®to to (Ealaninl j&ratarg. 



R ight Honourable Sir, — deign to receive 

O ur warm "farewell," on this thy parting day, 

B lessings and joys — which Heaven alone can give, 

E ver attend and cheer thee on thy way. 

R eturn when thou hast done thy work, and nobly played 

thy part, 
T o those whose hearts will journey with thee, wheresoe'er 

thou art. 

B e Hope thy constant motto — Love thy song, 

A nd cheered by fondest memory, never mourn, — 

R ecall the faces of this happy throng 

L oving thee well — loved by thee in return. 

O ne with the absent Wanderer, as when England's soil he 

trod, 
W ishing him happiness and health — commending him to 

God. 



177 
m* to Col. £w. 

(Latine redditum . ) 



Accipias dignis, Dignissime semper, amicis, 
Hoc, tibi supremum, mox abiture, vale ! 
Gaudia mille tibi — caelestia dona precamur. 
Sitque Deus presens, tempus in omne, tibi. 
Munere confecto pensoque, revertere Victor 
Quo, tibi, prisca manet, sis ubicunque, fides ! 

Carmen amicitiae ! spes sit tibi " Tessera " semper 
Mnemosyneque procul tristia fata fuget ! 
Felices, olim felix, reminiscere vultus 
Qua nos — quam dulci compede — junxit amor . 
Noster eris semper ! natiim Britannia semper 
Te, bona fausta precans, nutnet Ahna Suum ! 



o»Co*— 



i;8 



Song of a IjUto-m&itt W3,Kvtomt. 



Sir H , and ye Brother- Wanderers all ! 

For now myself a Wanderer I may call. 
Permit the joy with which my heart overflows, 
To seek another outlet than mere prose. 
Forgive, if starting on his course sublime, 
The latest Wanderer wanders into rhyme. 

His thanks accept for the high honour paid 

To him whom you have just a Wanderer made. — 

Honour long hoped for, since he first — and last — 

One afternoon of pleasure with you passed. 

Twas years ago, but ne'er hath he forgot 

The hours delightful that were then his lot. 

And then lie wished the wish your votes have crowned- 

To find admittance to this band renowned. 

Wandered he hath, and since his earliest days 
On many dreary, many weary days ; 
Though not perchance to Eastern realms afar, 

Whence you, Sir H -, brought back India's Star ; 

Nor to the West, and its seductive mines, 
Where the fierce sun with tropic radiance shines, 
Where skins are tanned, and fingers sometimes burned, 
And whence the Major, happily returned, 
With quip and crank the Wanderers to cheer, 
Is finding metal more attractive here. 



179 



But shall the Wanderer, because wearied, cease 

From wandering more, and seek deceptive peace 

In lonely ease, and indolent repose, 

Like that the solitary hermit knows ? 

No ! not while Wanderers such as you exist, 

Not while in your bright ranks he can enlist, 

Whose wandering means the banquet and the bowl, 

u The feast of reason and the flow of soul." 

No, as the spear that great Achilles bore 

Healed the deep wounds that it had made before, 

As Galens skilled in homoeopathic laws 

Prescribe for cure the ailment's very cause, 

So let the wearied one to you repair, 

Roam where you roam, partake your changeful fare, 

Seek for new strength in rambling as ye do 

And find true rest by wandering still with you. 



i8o 

(Almost Impromptu.) 



Surrey Dock Tavern, 

June*2nd % 1872. 

Prime Minister — of hospitable pleasure, 

Oh, condescend to listen — while I seek 

With honest purpose, if with accents weak, 
To acknowledge with a gratitude past measure, 

Your gracious words (to which I had no claim), 

In introducing my unworthy name. 



572. 



Scarcely less warmly should my thanks to you, 

Kind friends, be given, who, when the Chairman uttered 
His well-bred words (p'raps I might add, well buttered), 

Received them with a warmth beyond their due ; 
Still, thus you did receive them, — what for me 
Remains, but " Thank you all most heartily." 

Not many weeks ago, I looked around 

This festive board, and scarcely knew " a friend," 
But soon, all seemed so ready to extend 

A welcome to the stranger — that I found 

The chances great (and weekly growing stronger), 
That I should not remain a "guest" much longer. 

'Tis even so ; that title for another 

And far more dear one has been changed to-night, 
I hail that change with undisguised delight. 






i8i 



No more a guest — henceforward as a brother, 
I take my seat, A " Wanderer " heart and soul, 
An " unit " in this great harmonious whole. 

Well did I mark the " charge n pronounced by you, 

Knightly dispenser of our weekly treat. 

That I should prove whene'er the Wanderers meet, 
Kind and obliging — Clubbable and true. 

Well noted I each word you deigned to say. 

Yours to command ; my duty — to obey. 

No promises I make ; I only breathe 

An earnest hope that, as time passes by, 

And we grow old together — you and I 
May, with the aid of gentle memories, wreathe 

Round our united hearts a chain of flowers, 

Sweet to each sense, all culled from Friendship's bowers. 



Here, for the second time, 

Sit we again, 
Satisfied after lunch, 

Well in the main • 
B — w rediviviiSy 

Like to the vane, 
Points, as the wind to us, 

Fine, without rain. 



182 

See how he gloats on this 

Score to his gain. 
Smiling at all of us, 

In such good train. 
Draw round the table, then ; 

Let the drink flow 
Fast as the cheerful hours 

Rapidly go ; 
With songsters within doors, 

Song-birds withou:, 
Nature's own music Bards 

Flying about 
Buds op'ning out to us, 

Welcoming spring, 
Bidding, for summer time, 

Beauties to bring ; 
Even the animals, 

Caged up, 'tis true, 
Seem to receive us well 

Here in the Zoo. 
B — w, he knows them all; 

They know him, too, — 
Wideawake, plaid, and stick,- 

Well, in the Zoo. 
As for the Chimpanzee, 

He, like no other, 
Grino, and displays all the 

Love of a brother. 
Keepers respectfully 

List to his tales, 



i8 3 

Told of Amphibii — 

Very like whales. 
Or to Carnivori 

What's best to do, 
Who can so well advise? — 

" Heaven knows who V 
On Afric's burning shore 

Lions he's seen ; 
With tigers, in Burmah, 

Oft has he been. 
Even its crocodiles, 

Knowing no fears, 
On his returning home, 

Seemed to drop tears. 
So, as we're satisfied 

Well in the main, 
Lunching a second time, 

Let us again 
Hope, in another year, 

Then to renew 
Pleasures afforded us 

Here in the Zoo. 



1 84 

tot* to % j&eewiarg. 



London, 
i October i$tk, 1874.- 

My dear Mr. K — y, 

I offer you many 
Warm thanks for your kindness in warning me thus 

Of the Wanderers' reunion — 

Delightful communion, — 
I'll come, if in London ; but not, if in Rus. 

Your red-ink suggestion 

Quite settles the question 
Of the business-like lessons you're going to teach ; 

I quite understand you, — 

Ten shillings I'll hand you, 
And remain, yours most faithfully, 

MIKE L. X. BEECH. 



mtitmtB' " WttU. " 



1. 



When the Wanderers meet 
For their Saturday treat, 
An assembly so quaint, and so hearty, 



i85 

Should establish the claim 

It asserts to its name, 
In a song sung by one of the party. — 

So, in answer to tho — 

— se who are anxious to know, 
O'er our motto we beg them to ponder, 

" Pransuri vagamur" 

Then why need we say more, 
" In quest of our dinner we wander/' 

Wanderers we, 
Happy and free, 
" In quest of our dinner we wander. ,; 

ii. 

You may meet with our Sons 

In the house next to " dunn's,'' 
Where often we've pleasantly halted ; 

Oh, " Evans i" far-famed, 

By royalty named, 
A rendezvous thou most exalted ! 

Then in the far east 

We, at times, spread our feast, 
Wherever our caterer pleases ; 

We accept beef and mutton, 

By " Mason's Arms " put on, 
But to " Cheshire " we go for our " Cheeses." 

Wanderers we, 
Happy and free, 
To " Cheshire " we go for our " Cheeses." 



1 86 



in. 



O'er our Arundel quarters, 

Reign Eve's fairest daughters, 
And there till late hours we oft tarry. 

Maybe we next meet, 

In a new German street, 
Then, perhaps, in an old English quarry. 

There we catch, as we quaff, 

So contagious a lau^h, — 
That our cheeks are ne'er marked by a furrow. 

Next week we recline, 

'Neath a "Rainbow" divine, 
Or may be in a " Half Moon " we burrow. 

Wanderers we, 
Happy and free, 
In a " George " or a " Half Moon " we burrow. 



IV. 

We adore charming girls, 

We cherish " old Belles," 
Though we're often amused at their starch way ; 

And among them no funnier, 

We know than Miss Bunyer, 
As she welcomes us all in her arch way. 

There we frequently urge 

S — 1 to give us his dirge ; 
For in visions most vividly painted, 



i8 7 

We are rapidly hurled, 
To all parts of the world, 
And with various strong drinks made acquainted. 

Wanderers we, 
Happy and free, 
With various strong drinks we're acquainted. 

v. 

Sometimes in a " Ship/' 

Our toddy we sip, 
Or else by swift railroad we fly ; 

And of Scotch tours we tell, 

When we meet at that " Bell," 
Where we dine betwixt " Oban " and Skye ! 

And thus we go on, 

Till the spring time is gone, 
And the summer sun glows till we're quite beat. 

Then we wander to Woolwich, 

Where the atmosphere's coolish, . 
And we finish at Gravesend with whitebait. 

Wanderers we, 
Happy and free, 
At Gravesend demolishing whitebait ! 



-f$£§5*S8SfSg* 



N 



188 



Jr«jgpalar feting 0f ^anbrnrs. 



Present. 



The First Lord of the Admiralty, 

The First Commissioner in Lunacy, 

The Secretary for the Colonies, 

Postmaster-General, with his sparkling eyes, 

Constructor of the Navy (who ne'er shirks 

His duties), First Commissioner of Works, 

Sergeant-at-Arms, whom all delight to chaff, 

As " L'Homme qui lit," man with contagious laugh. 

The First Commissioner, who chanced to sit 
In a large chair (which seemed a tightish fit), 
Was called to take the chair. Said he, " I'm in it, 
And now to business, let's at once begin it. 

Wanderers, to make you 'fare well ' in the future, 
I now suggest some 'good bye' laws to suit yer" 

ATTENDANCE. 

i. Members — assumed to care for frequent greetings — 
Are bound to attend at all the weekly meetings. 

2. Should sickness or like potent cause prevent, 
Notice, on Thursday posted, must be sent. 



1 89 

*■ 

3. If three successive meetings should be mist, 
The erring brother's name comes off the list. 

4. Wanderers elect at once, in his position, 
One of the hundreds waiting for admission. 

NOTICE. 

5. The plan of "weekly notice" shall be changed, 
And all the meetings for a month arranged. 

Ex. gr. 
February the 1st, at " Anderton's " the call, 
8th shall the meeting be at " Masons' Hall." 
15th at " Gregory's," and, if you please, 
The 22nd say — the "Cheshire Cheese.' 1 
By such a list, once in the month prepared, 
Our worthy Sec. much trouble will be spared \ 
Members will jot down whither they're to wander, 
In diaries, note-books, or like memoranda. 

The Chairman begged these bye-laws to propose, 
And took the Meeting's sense, the " ayes " and " noes :" 
The Members were all " ayes," no " noes " appeared, 
The Chairman bowed, and the assembly cheered. 
(That is to say, they quietly " hear-heared /") 

SUBSCRIPTION. 

The First Commissioner then rose and said, 
He thought the usual payments might be made 
As heretofore. But members who neglected 
To send the " Thursday" notice be expected 
To pay the dinner capitation fee. 



190 

Here rose the First Lord of the Admiralty, 

And said he grieved that he could not agree 

With the Commissioner in Lunary. 

For it appeared to him that there would be 

Trouble that one could hardly now ioxtsee. 

Gathering from A, and B, and fining C, 

And getting various " change " from D and E, 

Could scarcely fail to cause such a degree 

Of " bore " to gathers and gathers, 

That he, the First Lord, on his honour, he 

Must differ from his friend, the great M.D., 

And say he thought the plan would prove the " ne 

Plus ultra " of impossibilite. 

Then the State Secretary for the Colonies 

Rose in a pet, expressing his surprise 

The First Lord should continue such a time 

In working one unchanged, unchanging rhyme, 

'Twas really quite bewildering, and he must 

Tell the First Lord 'twas most unfair; and trust 

He'd recollect u the ashes of the just 

Alone smelt sweet and blossomed in the dust !" 

The First Lord said 'twas better to rehearse 

The same rhyme well, than change and make bad worse, 

But now to business. Tho' they all approved 

What the last speaker previously moved, 

He, the First Lord, believed he could advance 

A better scheme in matters of finance; 

And so, tho' understanding what his friend meant, 

He would propose the following amendment — 



191 

i . That each three months a guinea be collected, 
And payment in advance would be expected. 

2. That members, generally, be no losers, 
Guests to be paid for by their introducers : 
For whom a moderate price 'twere well to fix, 
Say, as a decent average, three-and-six. 

(Rose the Colonial Secretary to say, 

Should the old plan remain of weekly pay, 

It would be well each member should arrange 

To bring with him a sovereign's-worth of change.) 

As there appeared to be no fresh suggestions, 

The Chairman said, "Well, then, I'll put the questions. 

For the First Lord's amendment let me crave — a 
ttention for a while. Those who're in favour 
Of the subscription, — the three-monthly pay, — 
Will signify the same in the usual way, 
By holding up their hands. — Contrary— theirs/' 

The Chairman counts, then solemnly declares — 

" I find the ' placets ' are by far the most, 

The * amendments' carried, and the 'motion' lost." 

What followed let some other bard relate, 
The Chairman here was called on to vacate 
His seat, by summons to another scene, 
Another Chairman sat where he had been, 
And carried on the business in his place 
Doubtless with higher dignity and grace. 
Let him narrate in language clear and bright, 
The closing scenes of that eventful night. 



192 



^bfriticrns to " premises." 



Pleasant coteries we'll wind up, 

If expense becomes too great ; 
" Court of Honour " made its mind up 

To avert so sad a fate. 
Threatening often to begin a 

Plain repast at 2/2, 
Vow they'll order such a dinner, 

Idle words — they never do. 

¥ 

Once the usual course to vary, 

Wanderers spread a gorgeous feast, 
'Cos Colonial Secretary 

Vowed he'd journey in the East. 
Big with enterprising doings, 

On gigantic measures bent, 
'Companied by Colonel E gs, 

Broken vows — they never went ! 






193 



^ialatrta." 



" The crew from ' America,' four in number, challenged * England * 
to a rowing match. The challenge was accepted by Messrs. Stout, de 
Long, Gulston, and Close. 

" The match was rowed (without coxswains) and resulted in an easy 
victory for ' Old England/ " 



SONG. 

(Tune — " Sally, Sally," with slight variations.) 



Atalanta ! Atalanta ! 

Of this work you've made a hash, 
London beat you in a canter \ 

Why on airth were you so rash ? 
True, with courage quite gigantic, 

Anxious all your skill to show, 
You braved the dangers of the Atlantic, 

To teach your Granny how to row. 

Atalanta ! Atalanta ! 

While we gladly own your grace ; 
Say, apart from joke or banter, 

What is beauty— minus pace. 



194 

But dare you assert that we're without style, 
Gulstorfs " form " the wide world knows ; 

Then we've Long style and we've Stout style, 
And we've Close style in the bows. 

Atalanta ! Atalanta ! 

'Tis the old world 'gainst the new ; 
Can practised oarsmen ever want a 

Hint from novices like you. 
Study hard, unless you're noodles, 

Learn in England how to pull • 
Only thus can Yankee doodles 

Ever hope to whip John Bull. 



^pbibes. 



" The country has been lately infested with aphides." 

" These little creatures, myriad in number, quite cloud the air." 

" In the West of England, especially, this plague of insects has been 

most remarkable. The little creatures form quite a cloud. The heat 

is intense." — {See Daily Papers.) 



O aphides ! O aphides ! 

You nasty little tiresome wretches ; 
I'd rather meet a swarm of bees, 

Or wasps, or hornets in the vetches. 



195 

Worse than bluebottles, worse than flies, 
Or daddy-long-legs, ants or midges; 

You dash into mine ears and eyes, 
You fill my nose — and then it itches. 

You're here, you're there, you're everywhere, 

U-biquitous, offensive friskers, 
You mat my unoffending hair, 

And play old gooseb'ry with my whiskers. 
You make me feel I'm grimed with dirt, 

And do your utmost to provoke me, 
Impair-the whiteness of my shirt, 

Or fly into my throat — and choke me. 

Upon my waistcoat, fresh from wash, 

In hundreds, thousands, nay, I find you, 
And if a score or two I squash, 

You leave your nasty marks behind you ; 
Then you pervade my neck and face, 

And — more protected situations ; 
And seem to think it no disgrace 

To crawl up my — continuations. 

My very socks are in a mess, 

You swarm my legs in black profusion, 
Which really is, I must confess, 

The " ne plus ultra " of intrusion. 
All o'er the country do you range, 

Ci'cester, Stowey, Worcester, Woburn. 
I'll try my native air for change, 

You'll never risk your lives in Holborn. 



196 



^natojas. 






" Quot homines, tot sententiae." 

u As many men, so many minds," 
Yet close analogies we see 

'Tween things of very different kinds. 
" Britannia rules the waves," you'll own, 

So grows like Byron and like Pug, 
Like Peggotty — like Mendelssohn — 

Like Vendor of a drug. 

True to her ancient destiny, 

We see, where'er we chance to rove, 
Old England raise her Standard high \ 

A badge of Liberty and Love. 
Her wooden walls— our boast and pride 

(At least they always used to be) \ 
Still on the main she'll proudly ride, 

" Her Barque is on the Sea." 

Great Byron, indisposed to part, 

Still lingered fondly by the tide, 
And thus with overflowing heart, 

The lordly, kindly Poet cried — 
" I needs must pause awhile, Tom Moore,. 

To bid a sad farewell to thee, 
Altho' my boat is on the shore, 

My barque is on the Sea." 



197 

The Pug to whom we have referred 

Indulges oft in mournful wail, 
And, as has frequently ocr^rred, 

Unfolds his short but moving tale ; 
And if the beast be musical, 

If a melodious dog he be, 
Then pleasantly his measures fall, 

"ZfoBarkis on the < C" 

Poor Peggotty, when urged with her 

Eccentric, willing swain to wed, 
Resolved no longer to defer, 

But cautiously and wisely said, 
" Remain on shore my husband must, 

So sad experience teaches me ! 
And never, never will I trust 

My Barkis on the Sea." 

Great Felix wishing to compare 

His Master works (the true and sham), 
Sent for editions old and rare 

From library in Amsterdam, 
Upon the Zuyder's rippling breast, 

Borne are the volumes rapidly ; 
And Mendelssohn is like the rest, 

His "Bach" is on the "Zee." 

The druggist forwards to Peru 
A letter (written by his clerk), 

Which mentions that " tic-doloreux " 
Demands a large supply of bark. 



198 

Gentle compounder, never fear ! 

Impatient though thy clients be, 
Soon thy Cinchona will be near, 

" Thy Bark is on the Sea." 



^irbmtm to % Jjiotriljl* Casks of % 0.|), of 
% Council. 



i. 

To a neighbouring factory I go, 

If I hear what's called " heartrending " squeals, 
In the hope that a workman or so 

Has been mangled to death in the wheels. 
Some call this a " sickening " sight, 

Which should every one's sympathy claim, 
But I simply look on with delight, 

And think it a jolly good game. 

11. 

A man with his babe and his spouse, 

On applying for lodgings, is told 
That the landlady never allows 

Young people to worry the old. 
So he punches his child in the nose, 

And bungs up its queer little eyes, 
Hits again — till the blood freely flows, 

And I laughs till I actually cries. 



199 

in. 
At the fire I was told t'other day 

That a man had been crushed 'neath a wall, 
And a horse — a magnificent bay — 

Had been gradually burnt in his stall. 
My informant seemed gloomy and sad, 

And really turned chilly and pale ; 
For myself I felt lightsome and glad 

Over such an agreeable tale. 

IV. 

When in "India, I went at some pains 

For one of my holiday runs, 
To examine the shattered remains 

Of some men who'd been blown from the guns, 
To see their limbs scattered " pell mall/' 

Afforded a fund of delight, 
While the Mutiny stories as well, 

Kept me cheerful from morning till night. 



% *gtaxd (Bbmt 



Young Walter would a wooing go, 

" Heigho S n says Cupid ! 
Young Walter would a wooing go, 
But he thought that his Ducal father should know, 



200 

Of his sueing and wooing, 
And what he was doing, 
Heigho ! but it's all very stupid. 

So off went Walter to Campden Hill, 

" Hi ! ho !" says the 'busman ; 
Off went Walter to Campden Hill, 
Singing, " How will the Governor swallow the pill ?" 

" Will he hold his head loftily/' 

Says a little voice softly. 
I. O. you need not make a fuss, man. 

" Pray, Mr. Jeems, is the Duke at home?" 

" Hull-oh !'' says the Porter. 
" Pray Mr. Jeems, is His Grace at home, 
If so, go directly, and tell him I'm come, 

With my chink'em and sink'em, 

And clink'em and income, 
Heigh ! owe for the Banker's fair Daughter." 

The Duke replied that he'd speak to L — <r, 

Heigh-ho ! and he started, 
Observing, " I think 'tis a question forlorn, 
So I'll even consult with my eldest born, 

And my Boy'll to royalty, 

Exhibit his loyalty, 
7-o ! and the Queen's tender-hearted." 

To Windsor the Marquis in his turn sped, 

Heigh-ho ! so stately 
To his Queen the young nobleman rapidly sped, 
And^Her Majesty kindly and graciously said, 



201 



" With my numerous cares 
And affairs and despairs 
These marriages trouble me greatly. 

" For one mind, the question is too great a tax, 

Heigho the risk I'll divide it, 
Yes, I think on the whole, I had far better ax, 
My illustrious cousin of Coburg-Saxe, 

With his views on affinities — 

Close consanguinities, 
Aye-oh ! his the man to decide it." 

Says the Prince, " I'm exceedingly flattered, but still 

I owe ! I'm a German," 
Says he of Saxe-Coburg, "I'm flattered, but still 
I always consult with the Emperor Bill, 

On appliances, sciences, 

Royal alliances ; 
Io ! the Emperor's a rum 'un !" 

To Bismarck the Emperor hurries off quick, 

Hi ! ho ! but a moment he tarries, 
To Bismarck the Emperor hurries off quick, 
But the Minister's lately been painfully sick, 

And he's crabbed and odd, 

So he growls " blud and tod, 
I ton't care a tarn whom he marries." 



202 



Coup's .Song 

{Supplement to the " Three Pigeons.") 



I wish, just before I sit down, sirs, 

To sing of another hotel, 
Whose hostess the best is in town, sirs, 

The name of her house " The Old Bell.' 1 
I wish your attention to rivet, 

On the excellent fare she provides ; 
She offers the choicest Glenlivat, 

And gives us good measure besides. 
I'm sure we have plenty of fun here, 

And we're treated remarkably well, 
So let's drink to the health of Miss Bunyer, 

In a word— let us toast " The Old Belle." 



§ooh altoans for the %mx«g &xbt. 



Book always for the Surrey Side, 

'Twere wiser, better— far — 
That is, if you have wind and tide, 

And accidents don't mar, — 
Then if you ask me. " Why is this?" 

The reason is quite plain, 
" The City and the Bridge you miss, 

And save the Brighton train!" 



203 

Book, Wanderers, for the " Surrey Side," 

On Sat'day afternoon, 
When Court and Caterer decide 

To dine at the " Half Moon." 
At rapid pace the steamer goes, 

And lands you at the pier, 
You mount the steps — pursue your nose, 

Five minutes and — you're here. 



% 



Dedicated to the Right Hon. the Judge- Advocate- General, 



Tauge vocales, studiosa, chordas 
Musa ! et auri nunc moderare plectrum 
Panca de multis referamus actis 
Baxter amati. 

Not long since, and e'en at an Inn in Holborn, 
Francis ordered food for the Wand'rers' luncheon ; 
Dainty viands, one on another served were 
Wond'rously cheap too. 

Salmon bathed in delicate sauce o' lobster, 
Flakey cod (accompanied this by oysters), 
Soles from Torbay, filleted a la Maitre, 
Smelts in addition. 

O 



204 

Next there came a white fricasse'e of chicken, 
Garnished, this, with slices o' tempting bacon, 
Supreme sauce prepared wi' the softest cream, com- 
pleted the entre'e. 

Borne in, then, a glorious haunch of mutton ; 
Beef — a sirloin — done to a turn, I vow, sir ; 
Loin of pork, with delicate stuffing, grafted 
Under the cracklin'. 

Stilton cheeses, Cheddar, and prime North Wiltshire,- 
Tempting Gruy ere— pats of the choicest butter — 
Water-cresses — celery (curling sweetly) — 
Radishes also. 

Tell us, Francis, tell us the truth, we pray thee, 
Was three shillings really the price of dinner ? 
Or didst thou suggest to the landlord slyly 
Something o' this sort ? 

Say three shillings, host of the Inn at Holborn, 
And inform me quietly on the morrow, 
What the banquet cost, and I'll gladly hand you 
Over the balance. 

Come, friend Francis, give us your word of honour, 
Don't evade, but candidly send an answer ; 
Questions grave, the Wanderers never fail to 
Sift to the bottom. 



205 



List to him who over the world has travelled, 
And can marv'llous tales of his journeys tell you ; 
Tales of which poor " stay-at-homes " scarce can credit 

More than a portion. 

" Sive per syrtes iter aestuosas," 

Or in West Lands over the prairies ranging, 

Now in Burmah ! China perhaps ! or Lapland ! 

Barloe wanders. 

While we boast a wonderful man like Robert, 
Why should we some greater inducement offer, 
Subsidize landlords ! in the way suggested ? 

I'd see you starv'd first ! 



[Great mystery is mixed up in this "Reply." It was sent by the 
Classical Referee, in his au>n handwriting, and accompanied by a 
statement that the original, in the handwriting of the Judge- Advocate- 
General, was in his — the Classical Referee's — keeping, and could be 
produced, if necessary. Within the last day or two, when it was impos- 
sible to interfere with the arrangements of the Book, the reply of the 
Judge- Advocate- General has been found by the Chief Registrar, and 
forwarded to the Editors, who can only offer this explanation, and 
express their regret to the Judge -Advocate- General, whose MS. 
will be duly entered in the album of the august Society, not only for 
the delectation of the Brethren, but for the assistance of those who 
may think it right further to deliberate on the whole question. — Ed.] 



206 



(Shnma: lltme ! 






Cruel fate ! — and must I leave thee, 
Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 

Sadly tho' thou didst deceive me, 
Emma Mine ! Emma Mine. 

Worth a million, thou didst tell me ! 

Careless, heedless, what befell me, 

Ah, perfidious ! thus to sell me, 
Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 



Tho' a very flirt I found thee, 

Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 
With a thousand lovers round thee, 

Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 
Yet I wish not to be free, 
Fondly will I cling to thee, 
Nor forsake my share, — ah, me ! 

Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 

Round the cloud that veils thy face now, 
Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 

Silver edging can I trace now, 
Emma mine ! Emma mine ! 

In thy veins Lhere flows a store, — 

Fortunes of the precious ore, 

Lodes of worth ne'er known before, 
Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 



207 

Conscious of thy many failings, 
Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 
Still I'll plead with Papa Malins, 

Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 
Bid him take no hasty measure, 
But restoring my lost treasure, 
Fill my grateful heart with pleasure. 
Emma Mine ! Emma Mine ! 




208 



lament. 



Oh where and oh where is our worthy chairman gone ? 

Repeat i?i Cho? us. 
Oh where and oh where is our worthy chairman gone ? 
Grant leave of absence we did, 
For we felt a change he needed, 
But his time he has much exceeded, 
And that time is not his own ! 
Repeat in Clients. 
But his time he has much exceeded, 
And that time is not his own. 



Oh why and oh why do we want him here in town ? 

Repeat in C hones. 
Oh why and oh why do we want hirn here in town ? 
He's dignified and stately, 
And wields the sceptre neatly, 
His smile we value greatly, 

And greatly fear his frown. 
Repeat in Chorus. 
His smile we value greatly, 

And greatly fear his frown. 



209 

Oh how and oh how our displeasure shall we show ? 
Oh how and oh how our displeasure shall we show ? 

Repeat in Chorus. 
Oh how and oh how our displeasure shall we show ? 
Oh how and oh how our displeasure shall we show ? 
We feel that he's gone far, sirs, 
The general joy to mar, sirs ! 
Shall we bring him to the bar, sirs, 
As once we brought Barl — w ? 
Repeat in Chorus. 
Shall we bring him to the bar, sirs, 
As once we brought Barl — w ? 

Oh no and oh no ; for that would grieve him sore. 
Oh no and oh no ; for that would grieve him sore. 

Repeat in Chorus. 
Oh no and oh no \ for that would grieve him sore. 
Oh no and oh no ; for that would grieve him sore. 
Let's forgive him, on his making 
(Such wandering pranks forsaking) 
A solemn undertaking 

To treat us so no more ! 
Repeat in Chorus. 
A solemn undertaking 

To treat us so no more ! 



2IO 



s 



hxtv toba forgot tfo SEcrrbs, 



Air — " Believe me if All." 

Oh ! if I were your — lum-te-tum — faithful and true, 
►^ In the land of the olive and fig, 

| I would sing of the — tum-te-tum tum-te — to you, 
While you played on the — thingumy-jig • — 



For the — what's-his-name — glance of your — rum-te- 
tum — eye, 

And the sound of your— fol-de-dol — voice, 
Impart a soft — thing um — which never can die, 

And make this poor bosom rejoice. 



But if all my — rum-te-tum tum-tees — should fail, 
^ Your — What-is-it ? s — feelings to move, 
^ I will try if the — (thank you) — of war will prevail, 
To check the — fol-de-dol-dee's — of love j 
And if in the — rum-te-tum — battle I fall, 
A — What's-his-name's — all that I crave, 
j? Then bury me deep in the — what-you-may-call,— 
And plant — thingum-bobs — over my grave. 



211 



$mu, j&aiie, atib Ufesjelf. 



Once I loved a charming maid, Katie was her name, sir, 
But soon I'd cause to be afraid, that Esau did the same, sir. 
I saw Esau's chance was good — I saw, — yes, and he saw ; 
For Esau quickly understood, that his intentions she saw. 
I saw — he saw — she saw, too, — 'twas quite a kind of see-saw ; 
For she saw Esau's love was true, 
And I saw she loved Esau. 

Kate was sitting on a stile, — Esau came along, sir ; 

She blessed him with a loving smile, which I thought very 

wrong, sir. 
He gave her kisses, one, two, three, and looked triumphant — 

drat him, 
Then Katie turned her eyes on me, and me saw scowling at 

him. 
g ^ j I saw Esau kissing Kate, fact is we all three saw ; 
b ^ \ For I saw Esau, he saw me, 

3: ^n j 

^ [ And she saw I saw Esau. 



212 



anherer's ITcrg. 

DEDICATED TO HER 

"UNCLE TOM TOUGH." 
By an East-Ender. 



'Tis post-meridian half-past one, — 

From business joyfully I part then ; 
Another week of work is done, 

And for the Wanderers' tryste I start then. 
At 2 toward Gregory's straight I bear, 

My bosom light — my feelings frisky ; 
By 20 past I'm safely there, 

And long for my first " go " of whisky. 

2.45 doth soon arrive, 

When — appetite becoming stronger — 
Some hungry Wanderers scarce contrive 

To keep their tempers any longer. 
Lord President is quite un-nerved ; 

He fumes, and then — at any risk — he 
Requests that lunch at once be served, — 

'Tis 3 p.m. — he wants his whisky. 



213 



The feast is spread, and we employ 

Our busy knives and forks right well now ; 
The Chairman drinks to " General Joy," 

And all is gay as marriage bell, now. 
The meal is done ! the mutton gone ! 

Despatched the bread and cheese and biscuit 
(fir. bis key), 
When, lo ! an order from the throne, 

" Hands up for Scotch or Irish whisky." 

At 4 succeeds an interval, — 

Sometimes 'tis long — sometimes 'tis shorter : 
And thirsty Wanderers loudly call 

For groceries and boiling water. 
At 4.15 the "goes" we pass 

(Our patience gone — delay were risky), 
We mix — we stir— we seize the glass, 

And raise to longing lips our whisky. 






214 



"Nature in the Summer." 



lostttg 0f ilj* ^ock. 

" Valedictio prismatica." 
By the Editor?. 



Wanderers, rejoice with us ! — at last 
Uncertainty and doubt are past, 

And pleasure reigns around : 
A final touch the work completes, 
And now our bantling lies in sheets, 

And waiting to be bound. 

What colour shall its mantle be ? — 
A robe of snow-like purity 

Would suit the glorious " thirty." 
Yet fear we if we fiVd on White, 
However pleasing to the sight 

At first — 'twould soon grow dirty. 

Surely not Black !— we could not bear 
To see our merry offspring wear 

A gloomy, sombre awning. 
And then the change would never do 
(So long we've met at half-past two), 

To have our work in mourning. 



215 

On Brown we'd better not decide, — 
For brown, you see, we have inside ; 

And she, " preaps," would rather 
From other hue our choice were made ; 
So let us in a different shade 

Conceal our faithful Martha. 

Red has its charm, — it cheers the sight — - 
In winter warm — in summer bright 

(May be a thought too blinding). 
But the interior read will be, 
And so we think we ought to see 

A contrast in the binding. 

And here it may be well to hint 
We could not have an Orange tint, 

Or any like variety : 
In Yellow jealousy is shown, — 
And jealousy's a thing unknown 

To the august Society ! 

Aught that's cerulean e'en outside 
Would wound a virtuous Wanderer s pride, 

And make him feel distrest. 
And hence — 'tis clear it would not do 
With anything approaching Blue 

Our volume to invest. 

Clothe it in robe of Purple shade 

Or Mauve, — so liable to fade ? — 

Either we feel would spile it ; 



2l6 

Iho' some have said it were sin. 
secrets that are hid within, 
Not to preserve in violate ! 



The secrets that are hid within, 



No easy task to gratify 

The passing taste of every eye — 

To satisfy each comer ! 
And so — if no objection's seen — 
We'll clothe our work with living Green, 

Like " Nature in the summer." 




ERRATA, 



Page 67. Quotation. For "guadeo," read "gaudeo." 
„ 117, line 7. For " podophylline's," read " podophy Hum's."' 
„ 124 ,, 6. "Grey" in italics. 
,, 140 ., 2. For " Roll/' ra7^ " Rolla." 
,, 169 ,, 8. For "converse," read " communion. : ' 
,-, 171 ,, I in Latin quotation of Canto III., for "limna," read 
" limina," and divide "intra " and " qiice." 

Eto"€Tt yas irveieL tol era ^etXea 

/cat to crbv acOfxa 
'A X a> 8 s EN AONAKE22I Was 

itf36(TKer dotSas. 
>> *77 m. 5> ij ? an( l I2 - The marks in these lines are gratuities 
from some one, entirely wrong and out of place. 
Read ah "natumque Britannia semper." 
,, 203 ,, I in ;> Note of Inquiry, "for "tauge," read "tange." 
,, ,, ,,2 ,, ,, ^//markover "nunc"' 

,, ,, ,, 3 ,, „ for " panca, " read " pauca. " 

,, 210 ,, 12. " Fol-dol-dees," not " Folde-dol-dees." 



LONDON : 

^BINTED BT GEO. PHIPPS, TOTHTLL STRBBT. 

WESTMINSTER. 



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